Read This And Become Acclaimed

Attention all potential authors, which means just about everybody above age 12 who's not in an irreversible coma right now. I have started a new publishing company called Try It Again Press and we are calling for manuscripts in the category of Personal Experience. Our mission statement at TIA is simple: Just because it already happened to somebody else doesn¹t mean your version can¹t become a best seller.

There are two major guidelines that apply to all submissions. 1) You must NOT include the names of real people or police agencies who will be able to come forward immediately after publication and factually refute major elements of your story. That makes us all look a bit unprofessional. Let's try and avoid another 'Million Little Pieces' controversy, okay?

2) If you have any doubts about how a particular incident or phase of your narrative played out, simply preface the dubious material with this phrase: "Maybe I just hallucinated what happened next, but I think it went like this." That way you have some wiggle room for any talk show hosts who turn skeptical on the air.

Next step: fire up your word processors! Here are a few suggestions for themes that never fail to capture public interest and a massive market share.

* Around the World for 80 Reasons. Who among us hasn't thought about chucking the daily routine and heading out the door for parts unknown? Various sparks could set this smoldering urge aflame. Maybe you were jilted at the altar, or just decided it was time for the kids to have some firsthand geography lessons. Keep the journey moving at a brisk pace and never pass up a chance to interact with bizarre strangers, preferably on a train. We also prefer that you not get too graphic about exotic menu entrees (translation: anything that used to be cute and is served with its eyes open) or primitive sanitation methodology. And positively do not forget the story is about YOU and how the vastness of the humanity ended up providing new insights about your own amazing individual qualities.

* How Can I Be This Old? Yes, time marches on, carrying all of us into those pesky, ever-higher age brackets. And while this process has been repeating itself since the dawn of humanity, everyone alive now is going through it for the very first time! Beware the curmudgeon approach; it can become annoying , especially when it devolves into bitter diatribes about specific physical ailments, the amount of pain each one causes, and why medical science has failed you. Look for scenarios that offer cross-generational points of view. Perhaps there's a youngster on the block who helps you solve newfangled dilemmas like the ring tone on your cell phone, and in return you show him/her how to build a fire using old newspapers and a magnifying glass. Be upbeat as you shuffle along this well-worn path so readers can look forward to additional installments of your timeline travails in the decades to come.

* Adventures with (Beloved Pet¹s Name Here). Furry, feathered, swimming or slithering, sharing our living space with companions from other species creates a caravan of sublime story opportunities. In this realm, it¹s perfectly fine to use the shock and awe approach because a huge segment of the pet-owning public has been there and done that when it comes to gruesome discoveries such as pungent remains of partially eaten prey stashed under the living room sofa. And nothing keeps a reader more engaged than wondering what item of clothing or furniture will be chewed into little bits and eaten next time you¹re at the movies, but all of it adds up to a feast of love. Our editors have crying towels handy for this genre and we want them to be soaking wet by the last page.

* Growing Up Goofy. Pity your playground friends who acted like Dick and Jane, blissfully content in wholesome homes that encouraged cookie-cutter conformity with polite society. Their childhood memories are the literary equivalent of a valium overdose. Maybe they joked about your brown, unsightly lawn, the weeds growing in the roof gutters, or the derelict washing machine that sat in the driveway for eight years . Now it¹s payback time. Weird is the way. Give us the works, with plenty of quirks. Did the Thanksgiving turkey ever burst into flames on the dining room table? What about that moody cousin, the scowling girl who liked to bring her Barbies over in a cardboard box that she had transformed into a doll mausoleum? If your home environment was like a family version of Survivor combined with the X Games, our motto for you is Citius! Altius! Fortius!

* My Housework, Myself. In any marriage there's usually one spouse who ends up handling most of the chronic chores and routine responsibilities such as grocery shopping, orthodontic appointments, and preparing the all-important soccer snacks. The domestic schedule always looks simple from a non-involved point of view, so why not trade places for awhile and see who¹s better at holding down the home front? (FYI-- no one really cares why you made this choice. Don¹t spend more than two or three paragraphs on it.) Surprise, surprise--daily life inside the front door isn¹t a cakewalk after all. Can you believe the guy driving the recycling truck won¹t pick up your bin if it¹s loaded with prohibited plastic items? And danged if that last power outage didn¹t wreak havoc with the automatic timer on the sprinkler system. Stir in the frustration of unending laundry, a dash of insect infestation, plus a generous portion of anxiety about what to serve for dinner and bingo! The perfect recipe for a saga of suburban human endurance, Erma Bombeck meets Heart of Darkness. The horror! The hilarity! Exterminate all the dust bunnies!

* Zen and the Art of Almost Anything. The quest for higher consciousness never seems to end, and why should it? There is no law specifying what pathway each of us should follow as we seek inner tranquillity and unity with the universe. Cosmic insight can be as close as the garage workbench. Is furniture refinishing your vehicle to another astral plain? We want the unvarnished details. There¹s nothing odd about hearing music of the spheres on league night at the bowling alley, or sorting through your collection of antique bottle caps. The over-arching truth is that we can all use advice that helps us reject inertia, embrace progress, and visualize our ultimate destiny.

This is your moment. Harness the power of now. Follow your bliss. Stream your consciousness. That inner breeze you feel while the words pour out isn't a current of hot air. It's the wind beneath your wings.

Comments

[Devine]

How did you know I was writing a memoir about the days of 68 cent per gallon gas and how my wacky Uncle and Aunt wore matching striped short-shorts and white terry robes to every family event? Now, after reading your advice, I see that I need more shock ( and awe), and a personal confession about how I board my astral plane. Sigh. More work.