The Channel We Desperately Need

ANCHOR: Welcome to the halftime show on this, our inaugural broadcast
of the THS network. Total Honesty Sports is your source for the truth,
and nothing but the truth on every play. I'm Handsome Anchordude,
which obviously isn't my real name, but it doesn't matter since I'm just
here to look good on these transitional segments. I will say this: the
game has been a huge snooze for two quarters. Central Institute leads
Big Valley State three to nothing, and both teams look like they'd
rather be sitting on a couch, eating popcorn and watching re-runs of
'That '70s Show.' But who cares what I think anyway? Let's go down to the
field right now, where our sexy female correspondent, Sideline Blondie,
is standing by with Big Valley's head coach, Duffy Hedgefield.

BLONDIE: Thanks, Handsome. Coach, you're trailing right now but it's
not a huge deficit. How do you feel about your team's performance in
the first half?

COACH: Well, our guys are giving it a great effort, no reason to panic,
and I saw a lot of good things happening--

BLONDIE: Excuse me, Coach, but I have to remind you that when your
school signed the TV contract with Total Honesty Sports, you agreed to
drop the standard, meaningless blather and tell us exactly what you
really think when you're on camera.

COACH: Oh, right. Well, in that case, I'm pretty well disgusted with
this whole mess. Our team played like a herd of dairy cows waiting to
be milked. I'm surprised we're not behind by fifty points.

BLONDIE: Your quarterback, Rocky Jensen, didn't complete a single pass
in the first half. What kind of adjustments does he have to make?

COACH: If forward passes were garbage, Rocky would be a human landfill
right now. He can't the side of a barn, but he may just be distracted. I
noticed he spent a lot of time hitting on you, over by the Gatorade cooler.

BLONDIE: Yes, he wanted to know if I had any plans for tonight, but I
told him company policy doesn't allow us to date players. So he'll have
to do his scoring out there on the field.

COACH: I probably shouldn't be too hard on the kid. He's got a roving
eye, and you got legs that make Betty Grable look like Shirley Temple.

BLONDIE: I have no idea who those people are. But getting back to the
game, do you think your team can turn things around in the second half?

COACH: A little improvement would be nice, but you know that old
saying--twice nothing is still nothing. At this point I'm just hoping
we don't end up with anyone in the hospital. Or the morgue.

BLONDIE: Looking this bad in the opening game -- what kind of impact
is that going to have on the rest of your season?

COACH: Well, when I was 20 years younger we'd call a team meeting and
talk about how to get better. Now the kids just go back to their dorms
and post nasty comments about me on their MySpace pages. As you know,
our society has a lot of problems with personal accountability these
days.

BLONDIE: Well Coach, maybe you can address some of those issues in the
locker room right now. Thanks for talking with us.

COACH: Hey, my pleasure. I'm glad I didn't have to bore everybody with
a big load of false optimism and worn out platitudes. You guys really
think this honesty approach is gonna work with the viewers?

BLONDIE: Sports is just the beginning. We're already planning to
launch a spin-off channel covering state and national politics.

COACH: An honest political TV channel? Honey, the odds of something
like that being a success are about the same as me getting elected
President.

BLONDIE: Handsome Achordude, are you listening? I think we just heard
the sound of somebody tossing his hat into the ring!

ANCHOR: Blondie, we love those sideline surprises, and we'll get back
to you for more later on. Right now it's time for a commercial break,
but when we return--scores and highlights from other contests around the
country, most of which are way more exciting than what we've endured so
far. We may even switch over to one of those games if this one becomes
completely unbearable. You're watching Total Honesty Sports. As we say at
THS: The truth is right here. CAN YOU HANDLE IT???

Comments

[Robert Wechsler]

Truthfully speaking, you've hit the head on the nail, or something to that effect.