Warning Signs: Canine Control Edition

02/04/2014 05:42 pm ET | Updated Apr 06, 2014

I just read an article listing five reasons you should not own a dog and it included lots of information about personality traits and motivation and other psychological details. There was simply too much information. I think these kinds of articles need to be concise and direct. So here is my quick-and-easy list of Signs That You Absolutely, Positively Should Not Get A Dog.

1) You hate dogs.

2) You hate just thinking about dogs.

3) You can't stand seeing dogs on TV, or movies.

4) If someone says, "I wouldn't wish that on my dog" you want to blurt out "Why not?"

5) You avoid the dog food aisle in grocery stores.

6) You love the ending of 'Old Yeller.'

7) Each time a commercial comes on promoting canine flea and tick control products, you find yourself rooting for the fleas and ticks.

8) Whenever you drive by a dog park where families are playing with their dogs you immediately think about that old Twilight Zone episode with Billy Mumy as the little monster kid named Anthony, and you wish Anthony was in your car right then so you could pull over, let him out at the curb, point him toward the dog park, and tell him to send every living creature he sees deep, deep into the cornfield.

So there you go. Easy peasy. This list also works fine if you're wondering about other pets you should not own. Wherever you see the word "dog" just replace it with "cat" or "ferret" or whatever animated organism comes to mind. And don't feel bad if it turns out you shouldn't own any living thing, domesticated or otherwise. I assure you they won't take it personally. They aren't like us.