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My Husband Thinks He Can Scale Mt. Everest and Other Lies He Tells

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One morning the Hubs and I were watching the news and there was a story about a family fishing and as they were reeling their fish into the boat, a shark came out of nowhere and bit the fish off the line. They showed the video and the Hubs said, "Ha! Forget the fish, I'd go after that shark!"

"What?" I said.

"I'd go after that shark! I'd catch that shark."

"What are you talking about? You would not."

"Yeah, I would. I'd catch that sucker!"

"You do know that the hook in the mouth doesn't kill the shark. You must actually kill it with a weapon of some kind, right?"

"I know. I'd bring it up on deck and then I'd stab it to death with a knife!"

"Listen Nanook of the North, I've seen you squeal like a little girl and run away from a spider, the hell I'm going to let you bring a live shark onto the deck of a boat and trust that you will have the nerve to stab it."

"Shut up, spiders are different. I would sooo kill a shark."

"Wow. What it must be like to walk around with such an enormous head. Is there anything you can't do? Besides kill spiders, of course."

"I'm thinking..."

This right here is my problem with the Hubs sometimes. One of the things that attracts me to him is his confidence. He has so much confidence in himself it bubbles over and lifts me up too. Sometimes his confidence gets out of whack and he just becomes an asshole spouting about all the things he's sure he can do (like kill a shark with a paring knife). For instance, he believes he could be a/an:

International Super Star -- When I first met the Hubs he told me that when he traveled to Taiwan as a young man he was often mistaken for a Taiwanese super star. I asked him which one. His reply? "All of them." He can't dance. He can't sing. He can't act. I'm not sure what he would have done there. Just think, I could be living the high life in Taiwan with their answer to Ryan Seacrest.

International Secret Agent -- Every time we watch a Bourne Identity type of movie, the Hubs always reminds me of how he "could" have done the whole CIA thing, he just "didn't want to." He chose to marry me and have kids together instead. Riiiight.

Writer -- A few months ago I was complaining about writing. I was blocked and I didn't have any ideas that I thought were good. The Hubs told me that writing is "easy" and I just needed to sit down and crank something out. I suggested that if it was so "easy" to write a blog like mine then maybe he should write something too. He wanted to guest post on my blog, but I thought that was too easy. He already has a built in audience on mine. I dared him to start his own blog and build it by himself. He started one. Check it out and tell me what you think.

Golf Pro - Several years ago the Hubs started playing golf. He became a bit obsessive one summer and played quite a bit. One day he announced that he was considering turning pro. What?! This is a guy who had played golf for a couple of weeks. "I could totally do it by the end of the summer," was his reply. Forget Tiger Woods starting at two years old. The Hubs thought 33 was a fine age to start his new career. Luckily, I got pregnant right after that and he realized he didn't want to be on the road so much with a new baby at home. Yeahhh, I'm sure that's why he gave up that dream.

Bowling Pro -- Yesterday the Hubs broke 165 during our free bowling session. I think that says enough.

Race Car Driver -- I would be a widow on the first turn. I'm sure of it. But the Hubs thinks there's nothing to controlling a car at 200 mph. He is a bit concerned about when he gets to pee. His shy bladder is what's stopping him from this career.

Look like an after picture on PX90 -- The Hubs swears he was buff before he met me. I can't find any proof other than a picture of him when he was about 10 where he looks like a leggy little girl pretending she's a Charlie's Angel. (A bowl cut on such a pretty boy looks a lot like Sabrina.) He tells me that if we "wanted" to, he'd do PX90 for a month and come out the other side looking like a kung fu master. He just doesn't want me to "feel bad" about myself since I don't look very (girl) kung fu master. If he doesn't do it, then we can both be lazy coconuts together. He's worried it could be awkward for our marriage if one of us is so much hotter than the other. What a guy! Always thinking of me.

Hot Dog Eating Champ -- This is one he could maybe do. If you ever eat with the Hubs you will notice that he is a skinny guy who can put away a ton of food. It's as if he has a hollow leg to store it in. If he could master any of the things on this list, it would be hot dog eating champ.

Scale Mt. Everest -- I won't allow this until our children are old enough to be fatherless, because I am positive he won't come back. Just because you own a 15 year old NorthFace jacket that was purchased at the outlet mall, it does not mean you are a mountain climber.

The Winner of Survivor -- The Hubs fancies himself a playa. He thinks he can outwit, outplay and outlast everyone else. Ha. Have you heard the term "angry drunk?" The Hubs is an "angry hungry guy." He gets pissed when he doesn't eat on a regular schedule. After the first week without food he would go stark, raving mad. He would most likely kill a wild boar in the jungle and eat it raw. He would come back to camp smeared in blood and scare the shit out of everyone else there. They would promptly throw the challenge later that afternoon and vote his crazy ass off. Either that or his "evacuation" schedule would be thrown for a loop (because he can't even take a shit on a public toilet, let alone crouch in the woods) and he would suffer a bowel obstruction and have to be life flighted out at day 13.

Nah, the Hubs needs to stick to what he does best: taking care of our business(es). If the Hubs went on any of these tangents it would take time away from the work that needs to be done to keep our real estate business going, this blog rolling and our children fed. (All I do is write, people. The Hubs does the rest.)