10/31/2013 02:57 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

My Response To The Lady Who Says, 'No Candy For You, Fatso!'

It's time for Halloween. Do you have all of your little pirates and princesses ready to go? Did you get your Sexy Angry Bird costume out of the back of the closet and dust it off for another year? I love Halloween. I love the spooky movies on television. I love the crisp, fall weather. I love getting all dressed up.

I love all of these things about Halloween, but more than anything I love the bite-sized Snickers bars. My kids aren't sure what they taste like, because I always steal them out of their buckets on the first night and hide them. Halloween is a time for kids to put on crazy costumes and go ask strangers for candy. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's fun. Unless you live next door to this lady. She's going to hand out this letter:

fat letter halloween

Credit: Valley News Live

Whenever a kid comes to her door she's going to size him up and see if he looks obese to her and if he does, bam! He gets the "it takes a village to make your fat kid feel like shit" letter. She's a real gem.

I have prepared a letter for anyone handing out similar letters tonight:

Happy Halloween, Asshole!

You are probably wondering why you received this note. It's because you ruined my kid's holiday and you've probably permanently damaged her sense of self worth. You couldn't just give her a bag of pretzels or bubbles or even a pencil? She loves pencils and would have been thrilled with a spooky pencil. There are so many other options out there for "healthy" treats. No one asked you give my kid a bite-sized Snickers bar, but if you have any of those, I'll gladly take them off your hands.

In my opinion, you're one of the worst people I've ever met -- or actually never met since you didn't step outside your house to talk to me about YOUR concerns for MY child. Instead, you chose the dick move of slipping a really mean letter into his treat bucket. By the way, he can read, so thanks for that. (He noticed you have a typo in the third paragraph, BTW. Why do assholes always have typos?) We'll just go ahead and send you the bill for the counseling that's now required, neighbor.

My hope is that you will step up and move away from our neighborhood, preferably this weekend. I'm available to help you pack your shit. I can't imagine what purpose you serve, other than every village needs an idiot and I guess you've got that position cornered.

Happy Halloween, Asshole!

This post originally appeared on People I Want to Punch in the Throat.

WATCH Valley News Live's report on the letter:

Valley News Live - KVLY/KXJB - Fargo/Grand Forks

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