I should really not leave my house, because when I do, I get annoyed by the people I encounter. As you may know, I've got two rugrats and a shopping addiction, so I spend a lot of time in children's clothing stores. The other day I was in such a store. I was moving as quickly as possible and trying not to interact with anyone.
That being said, I couldn't help but notice little Enid. Enid was an adorable, four-ish-year-old who was shopping with her mother. But as cute as Enid was, it could not hide the fact that she was the spawn of the Devil. She was single-handedly destroying the store while Mommy browsed casually (on the flipping phone, of course!). Every now and again Mommy would say, "Enid? Sweetie? Where are you?" Enid would stand on a table used display shorts and say sweetly, "I'm right here, Mommy." Mommy would reply, "Oh, OK. Be careful up there, Enid. You don't want to get hurt. Maybe you should get down? Thank you so much, sweetie pie."
OK, where do I begin with all the problems I have with this conversation? Let me start by explaining how it would go if my kid was standing on the table display in the middle of store: "Are you insane? Get down this instant. What is wrong with you? LEGOs/Puppy (he's stuffed, not real, relax PETA people)/whatever the favorite toy is these days are off limits for a week. You know better than that." I'm not going to go so far as to say my kid would NEVER behave that way, because I'm a realist and my kids can do some crazy stuff.
But seriously, what is the deal with asking our children to behave? "Maybe you should get down?" What the hell is wrong with you lady? She's four. There's no room for negotiating here. I'm all for giving my kids choices to make them feel like they're in control of something, blah, blah, blah, but this is not the time. "Maybe" should be reserved for times like: "Do you want to wear a dress today or MAYBE a skirt?"
I'm around kids and their parents a lot. So I get to see this crap a lot. It's ridiculous. When I go to a park I hear, "Elbert, are you ready to go?"
"NO!"
Mom looks whipped, "Elbert, please? Mommy is tired and we need to get your sister down for a nap."
"NO!" Elbert continues running around like a madman, throwing mulch and screeching like a hyena.
"OK, how about five more minutes?"
"NO!"
Mom is at a loss. "Ten more minutes?"
"Is that more than five?"
Mom looks around to see if anyone else has seen how precocious Elbert is, "Yes, pumpkin it sure is."
"Hmmph." And the monster runs off victorious.
The worst is when it has to do with you. You know, when Elbert attacks your kid at the park.
"Oh my, he's never done that before." Come on dad, you and I both know that's not true. "Elbert, let's not hit our new friends, OK?"
"NO!"
Dad is at a loss here. Time to divert Elbert. "How about some ice cream?"
"YES!"
"OK, pal! Let's go. Say good bye to your new friend."
Are you kidding me? Your kid just attacked my kid with a stick and now he gets ice cream? Wow, can I be your kid? Even my bleeding kid looks like he's weighing the pros and cons of joining Elbert's family. Sure, I get the snot beat out of me, but then we get ice cream ...
I'm all for questioning kids actions: Why did you do that? What were you thinking? That sort of thing. But, these little people are always looking for an out. Why would you ever ask: "What should we have for dinner?" (McDonald's) "Do you want to do your homework?" (No way.) "Why don't you go take a bath?" (Because I hate getting wet.)
The second your kid hears your voice go up, he knows there's wiggle room and why wouldn't he try?
I don't know if it's guilt or fatigue that makes these parents behave this way, but either way, it just annoys the hell out of me. There are so many different parenting strategies out there and I don't know which one this falls into, but people, put down the damn parenting books and use common sense!
Your kid SHOULD NOT be standing on a store display.
You SHOULD NOT be asking your child to stop assaulting other children on the playground.
It's not going to wreck Elbert's delicate psyche if you tell him to knock it off and stop acting like a monkey instead of a human being. He can still grow up to be a contributing member of society even if you think you might have crushed his little spirit.
In fact, I would argue, Elbert will be a BETTER member of society if he learns now to walk on a floor and respect people's personal space. Plus, if you don't stop this little monster when he's four, imagine what Elbert will be like when he's 15? Probably a lot like Tommy Jordan's kid.
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If you aren't smart enough to out smart your kids without using physical force (force should be used when very little kids endanger themselves by doing something like running into the street - a three year old just doesn't understand a reasoned dissertation about running in a busy street) and get them to behave in public (after all you are an adult and they are kids which much less experience and knowledge, but they certainly aren't dumb) then you probably shouldn't have kids or be in public!
If I don't get the behavior I need, eventually the choices become things like "are you going to walk or do you need me to carry you?" He hates being carried more than almost anything else, so I know it's a threat and he knows it's a threat, but I'm sure people like the author watch it and think "oh my goodness, he's going to reward his child for bad behavior by carrying him."
So it's win, win, win. I get the necessary behavior with minimum drama, my son gets to make a choice, and the author gets to feel smugly superior.
They all need love, care, feeding, clothes, education, boundaries and discipline among other things so it could as easily be said that "all kids are the same".
One of the tricks of good parenting is not getting stuck viewing your kids as one age 9or treating them as kids when they are adults) and adapting to whether they respond to direct commands or make good choices for themselves. You don't give a three year old the power to decide what to have for dinner every night, but you could and should let a twelve year old decide what the family will have for dinner on occasion (though if it doesn't include vegetables, fruit and healthy choices you might want to set boundaries).
Which is no excuse for corporal punishment, but IS an explanation of why we have and continue to bring up a nation of spoiled brats.
Corporal punishment should probably not be used at all except when nothing else works and DO agree that any corporal punishment that must be utilised should never be done in anger.
So instead of "How about 5 more minutes?" it's "We're leaving in 5 minutes."
We don't always get the best response, but they learned pretty quickly how it works. What's funny now is watching my kids' reactions when they see the Enids and Elberts of the world in action. My 8-year-old's eyes get big and he gives me a "Do you believe what that kid is doing?" look.
I'm glad they notice bad behavior when they see it. It's just too bad they have to see it so often.
I think it's all that attachment parenting and respect your child as a person stuff you read in parenting books at play. The problem with this is that children are CHILDREN! They need boundaries, they need to know that their Mom is more interested in them then her cellphone. When you treat children like adults they can't do it! They don't know how to behave yet, you have to tell them. Sometimes you have to tell them 20 times not to do something for them to remember, but it has to be done.
Do you actually think those examples are ok, or are you taking exception with the more general parenting approach, and saying that it helps kids to be treated like adults, to be asked to do things rather than be told, and to be given choices in their activities and schedules? I ask, because if you mean to support the more general idea of respecting kids, I think condoning the kind of behavior the author describes actually HURTS the cause. It provides ammunition to the people who criticize ALL forms of flexibility and non-authoritarian parenting.
As is the case with most things, it seems that the authority/respect debate in patenting is best served by a balanced and reasonable approach rather, than dogmatic absolutism from either side. So, like I said, I'm actually curious as to what you meant in your reply to this article. Can you elaborate?
I love your articles, I love your blog and anyone who wants to be all "Holier than thou" and "You shouldn't have kids" needs to take a refresher course in humor!
After 29 cumulative kid-years of parenting, I can say that there never seems to be a perfect answer on how to raise any particular kid, because they are all different. But I've found that setting boundaries of acceptable behavior, teaching them what is appropriate for a particular time and place, and communicating your expectations, works well--most of the time. That is, assuming so many other things exist in your parent-child relationship (your child knows they are loved, they're not starved for attention, they respect what you say, etc).
I wish you the best in your parenting journey!
I apologize if my post came across as overly critical of the author, my intention was to make a point that being overly permissive is not the only way to screw up a kid. The author seems to be criticizing others' parenting styles, yet by my understanding of her own methods she could be having an adverse affect on her children's self-esteem, even though her intent is to teach them appropriate behavior. I know some parents who feel superior in their parenting skills to others, some with elementary education degrees, yet I see them struggling and setting their kids up for problems--and they don't have the slightest inclination that their kids' behaviors are partially due to how they are being raised.
Maybe I'm just thrown off by her blog name: "People I Want To Punch In The Throat." She may have her tongue firmly implanted in cheek, and I may have misinterpreted the entire blog post. Maybe because it is filed under Parenting, and not Comedy. I wish you all peace and success in your parenting adventure!