10 Rules Every Grandparent Should Know

If you've been reading me for any length of time, you will know that I love to make a good list of rules. Rules for daughters. Rules for sons. Rules for my kids when they're at playdates. Rules for moms who host playdates. Rules, rules, rules. I enjoy a good list of rules, even if I hate to follow rules (don't we all?).

Now, I have a new list.

Rules for Grandparents.

Disclaimer: Now, now, I know my parents will read this blog and before they get their knickers in a wad, I will say: You are good grandparents and even better free babysitters, so just relax over there. These are not all about you. Just have a laugh -- and maybe stop watching so much "CSI" in front of my kids. Adolpha knows what "blood splatter" means.

Actually, that's a good place to start:

1. Be mindful of what you're watching on TV in front of my kids. I helped you sign up for extended cable, now use the directory and find "Scooby Doo," because "Game of Thrones" is not appropriate viewing material for my kids.

2. Be a good sport. When you attend my children's sports games, do not heckle them, their teammates or their opponents."Move your ass, Number 3!" is never acceptable -- and yes, everyone gets an award. I have to deal with it and so must you.

3. Grandchildren are not show ponies. Don't dress them up and parade them over to see Old Mrs. Chapman next door so they can "cheer up" her and her cats with the new songs they learned in Spanish class this week.

4. Keep your passive-aggressive threats to yourself. "Don't worry, if your mom says 'no' you can always come live with grandma" will get you banned from my house. Or I might call your bluff and leave two kids and all their belongings on your front porch. School starts at 8:20 and Gomer needs over 100 of the same objects for the estimation jar and Adolpha needs to bring healthy snacks. (Do you even know what those are? Because I barely do.) Oh, and don't forget to take some photos with Flat Stanley and get everyone new soccer cleats. I'm off to the spa!

5. Car seats are mandatory. Yes, yes, I know. Somehow, we all survived childhood without car seats, but now you're old and you drive like shit so buckle them up.

6. You are not a doctor. Whiskey is not an acceptable treatment for teething and Vicks VapoRub is not the cure-all for every ailment.

7. Stop trying to buy their love. You never tried to buy my love, so why are you trying to buy theirs? They love you. They do not need any more crap from the Dollar Store. Now, if you want to make a donation to their college funds... those are always accepted and appreciated.

8. Go easy on the sweets. Try serving some real food along with all the sugar you allow them to consume. For example, if they have donuts and hot cocoa for breakfast, then lunch can't be leftover donuts with a Pixie Stick for dessert.

9. Bedtime is 8 p.m. sharp. I'm being generous here. At home, bedtime is 7 p.m.. I've given you a whole extra hour of fun time. Bedtime is not a "suggestion" -- unless you want to keep them tomorrow as well.

10. Did I ask for your opinion? You had your chance to screw up a kid and now it's my turn, so pipe down with all the unwanted advice.

I know there are more, so let's hear them.

This post originally appeared on peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com.

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Comments

[sarahinez]

04:37 PM on 02/22/2013

I agree with 9 of the 10.

There's a difference between a show pony and an ambassador. There would be less bitching among the old folks about "what today's schools/parents are doing" if they knew more children who could show them. Older folks used to have 25 grandkids of different ages and see their siblings' and friends' kids and grandkids, too. Now Old Mrs. Chapman's two grandchildren are in the 20's and live across the country.

And, what's wrong with teaching children compassion? Adults visit our friends when they're sad, lonely or sick. If my grandchild asked me to go with her to see her friend who needed a visit I'd do it and be thrilled that she cared so much.

[littlepuffycloud]

11:39 AM on 02/04/2013

Everyone thinks it's their God-given right to be mother and a grandparent..I did and had been looking forward to it since my daughter was still in college. After 4 years of infertility struggles and several miscarriages, my 34 year old daughter and son in law are doing their last chance IVF this week. We're not expecting it to work but still hope for the best. I've accepted the fact I'm probably not going to be a grandmother, and I can deal with it, it's the fact my daughter will never be a mom and all ramifications of that fact. Before anyone starts talking adoption, understand the journey of infertility is a long hard process. So all grandparents out there, count your blessings and quit bitching about any rules and think 50 times before you ever do anything to undermine your grand kids' parents. I'd give my right arm to be given these or any rules if I was fortunate enough to be a grandmother.

[cmm5713]

04:58 PM on 02/03/2013

A good list. I have a couple more to add - children learn by example so always model good manners & never act or speak in a prejudicial manner.

[Cubfan 1954]

09:30 PM on 02/01/2013

I think they're all good rules presented well. I'm a live-in grandpa, so I'm able to keep my daughter posted about what's going on and happily follow any rules she wants to impose. I do get to turn the little one into a Cubs fan all I want.

[Becci Hayward Eicher]

07:21 PM on 01/31/2013

There are way too mant people taking this personnally!!!! The only complaint I have is grandparents dont let them get away with everything (while they are little and its cute) Then when they get older call or use mom to threaten them to stop them from doing what you have always aloud! Especially when mom never aloud it to begin with.

[Ma Lucille]

05:25 PM on 01/31/2013

Grandparents have survived things you have yet to experience as a parent.

Driver's Ed, motorcycles, graduation trips/parties... are some of the easier ones.

breathe deep, you're going to need those skills ..practice Gratitude.

[arkay123]

05:19 PM on 01/31/2013

This is pretty funny!

[highlandfalcon]

03:21 PM on 01/31/2013

Hi - I think a lot of you are very lucky to have grandparents that are willing to help. My parents died before I had kids and my husband's family has chosen not to be involved, seeing the kids maybe once a year. I can see the humor in this, my mom would have been a Grandma "YesYes". However, its also important to remember if you are feeling these things, you are lucky enough to have people in your life who are intending to help.

[Kara Rouker]

01:02 PM on 01/31/2013

These rules are funny...she even says "these are not all about you, relax have a laugh." Now, if the grandparent has asked for and taken the role of a primary caregiver (to avoid sending a child to a stranger for child care) these rules make perfect sense. They can be the grandparent who "spoils" the child on occasional overnights but the day to day stuff has to be more structured. Other than that, I don't see the harm in an occasional late night, sugar high driven fun time with the grandparents. Many of the other rules (don't heckle, don't say you can come live with grandma, car seats are mandatory) etc. are perfectly rational all the time. The rest is just blowing off steam about unwanted, outdated and judgmental parenting advice. everyone just relax and have a laugh.

[Jamie Corner]

11:56 AM on 01/31/2013

can you just mail this to my mother since she doesnt have interwebs! lol

[TracyRunning]

11:55 AM on 01/31/2013

You could add "It's not acceptable to bad mouth your son and DIL or their parenting/life choices to the kids."
And "Please don't put out cases of soda (that you don't even drink) and bowls of candy (that you don't eat) when you know we are coming over simply because you think we're too strict by not letting our kids eat crap."
I could go on, but what would be the point...

[Aimee Barton]

11:07 AM on 01/31/2013

LOVE IT!

[Michelle Clinard Wagner]

10:57 AM on 01/31/2013

This is funny. True stuff usually is. So quit whining. If this makes you mad, it probably applies to you.

[Stephanie Cox Melton]

10:50 AM on 01/31/2013

Wow, I like a funny/snarky column about topics like this as much as the next mom, but I thought this was over the line. I have 3 children, and my parents and in-laws spend quite a bit of time with them. I learned early on that they don't always do things my way, but my boys are always happy, safe and loved when they are with them. I think it's obvious that most of us as parents, don't want anyone (grandparents or other caregivers) undermining our authority or putting our children in harm's way. However, if they take them to dollar store, give them a little more junk food than they would have at home, if they don't make them pick up their toys every time they are together, and in general spoil them a little, why would I take an attitude with that? No, it's not how my parents treated me, but my parents aren't my boys' parents, and I don't expect them to do things exactly as I do. I agree with the grandmother who commented below that this article is insulting. Telling them they are "old and drive like shit"...even making jokes about it, just isn't cool.

[WWJJD]

10:27 PM on 01/31/2013

Lighten UP. She is joking.

[Bethadurkin]

09:59 AM on 01/31/2013

Finished reading these rules, then scrolled down to see the title of your book, and started laughing so hard, that I immediately bought it!! Both my little ones are still confused as to why I was laughing at so hard at the computer screen, one day girls, one day!! Thanks for making my morning!