Dear Bra Manufacturers,
Hi there. I'm Jen. I am a 40-year-old mother of two.
Actually, allow me to introduce myself in a language you can understand: I'm a 38 DDD.
I have always had a ridiculous time bra shopping for these small boulders I carry around and I'm always cursing your names. You've probably heard me yelling "Damn you, Maidenform, and your barbed underwire!" or "I hate you, Vicki! Your secret is to just push everything to the top and hope it stays put!" from various dressing rooms around the country.
You bra manufacturers have been doing a bit better over the years with making more comfortable and more supportive bras for everyday use, but would it kill you to make them pretty too? Girls with "girls" like mine need a bra that is a workhorse and attractive. Think about how beautiful those Budweiser Clydesdales are; they can haul a lot, but they look good doing it. And don't even get me started on the prices you charge!
As much as I'd like a gorgeous and affordable bra, I'm getting off-topic. That isn't why I'm writing today. Today, I'm writing to you about sports bras. WTF, you guys? Have you even tried on your so-called sports bras you try to sell to the girls with the coconut-sized boobies?? Did you ever invite a couple of chesty girls over to sample your wares before you sold them to the stores? I don't think you did. I think you guys took a regular-sized sports bra and just sort of enlarged it and called it good.
I've recently started a new workout regimen. I'm not running or anything crazy like that, but there is a fair amount of bobbing and hopping and such. I decided I needed a sports bra to help contain the girls and make it more comfortable to exercise without slapping myself upside the face with an errant breast.
If your bra can handle these, then let's talk!
The first one I tried was from the Just My Size brand. I figured, hey, this brand knows big girls and surely they understand our plight and they've made a bra that can withstand a workout and keep everything in its place. Ha!
This bra was a joke. It was the worst one I tried. It was like wearing a t-shirt with a bit of elastic around the edges. My boobs literally fell out of the bottom of this piece of crap. What the hell?
Next I tried Danskin. I should have known better. This is a brand that caters to the boobless. Their XL sports bra is like a strangling tube top that can barely cover the middle of my boobs. Once I finally wriggled into the damn thing my boobs were squishing out the top, the bottom and the sides. I think there was even a bit of boobage shoved around behind me! I looked like two dachsunds fighting inside of a child's leotard. I practically had to cut myself out of the damn thing.
This week, I picked up a Jockey bra that was touted as having a "new and improved fit" -- or some sort of "buy me now" jargon. When I put it on, I was moderately impressed. Everything fit where it was supposed to and there was very little cleavage seepage. My only complaint is the support. It's still a bit more jiggly than I'd like. You're getting there, Jockey! Keep trying.
What I'd like to propose is that we work together. I will help you design the perfect sports bra for the lady who probably will never go for a run or do a jumping jack in her life, but would love to have the support to do so if she so chooses.
I can try out your prototypes and tell you what is good and what is bad. For instance, I've seen a lot of sports bras that zip up the front. I'm guessing that would be bad for the XL boobies. I can't imagine the pain of catching a bit of excess flesh in a zipper.
What I'm thinking of is a cross between a giant Ace bandage that you can wrap tightly around the girls and secure with heavy duty Velcro and one of those Moby Wrap baby carriers. Maybe it could be a product that does both? You can use it to carry your baby OR strap down your melons and go for a jog. Because it's multi-functional I won't mind paying $65.00.
You guys let me know when you're ready. In the meantime, I'm going to go find some duct tape and strap these babies down and get ready for my workout this morning with Kris.
ALSO ON HUFFPOST: LINGERIE ADS DESCRIBE THE 'HORROR' OF A BAD BRA
How will Donald Trump’s first 100 days impact YOU? Subscribe, choose the community that you most identify with or want to learn more about and we’ll send you the news that matters most once a week throughout Trump’s first 100 days in office. Learn more