THE BLOG

8 Tips for Stepmoms Experiencing Outsider Syndrome

03/27/2015 04:22 pm ET | Updated May 27, 2015

Why do stepmoms often feel like such outsiders? Because they are.

If you're a stepmom you know exactly what I'm talking about:

  • The kids walk into the house and ignore you
  • You answer the phone and they say "Is dad there?" - Not "Hi, how are you?"
  • You're sitting on the couch next to your spouse, but the kids only say goodnight to him
  • Your stepchild offers to get his dad a drink while in the kitchen, completely ignoring the fact that you might be thirsty too

You've never been so ignored and felt so insignificant in your life. Welcome to the stepfamily.

I know from personal experience that this is often unintentional.

I have a stepmom who I love. And I didn't realize it until I was an adult, but I never included her. I would always call out for dad, address dad, ask for dad, and not even notice that I was ignoring her. If someone would have pointed it out to me, I'm sure I would have been shocked, as shocked as I was when I realized this as an adult, and I would have made more of an effort.

I'm sure it felt awfully personal to her, but it wasn't.

There's also a natural tendency to reject what's foreign. That's why a person receiving a new organ has to be put on special medications - otherwise their body will naturally reject it.

Same principle applies in stepfamilies. Add to that an ex-spouse who badmouths you or encourages the kids to ignore you and you'll be fighting an uphill battle for a long time.

Home is supposed to be the one place you feel safe. The one place you can relax and let the worries of the world fall away. But that can't happen when you feel like a stranger in your own home. Ignored. Treated like a maid. Surrounded by draining, negative energy from kids you didn't birth.

Luckily, there are some things you can do to ease that feeling of isolation.

  1. Stop feeling like a freak or thinking it's your fault. Acknowledge that, unfortunately, it's a normal occurrence in stepfamilies. It's not personal. It's not because of anything you did or didn't do.
  2. Your husband's support is vital. He can't force his kids to like you, but he can demand they treat you with respect (see #3). He can also verbalize his appreciation for you and show you in little ways that you matter to him and to the family.
  3. Create some house rules around common courtesy and basic manners (hi/bye/please/thank you).
  4. If the kids already have an active mom, even if you don't agree with her parenting, focus more on being a wife and less on trying to "mother" your stepchildren. You can still nurture and show love, but remember that they already have a mom.
  5. Let the kids set the pace of the relationship. The harder you try to get love from them, the harder they'll resist. Let the relationships evolve naturally and remember it can take years to form a bond.
  6. Invite your friends or family over for holidays. You'll feel like you have somebody on your team and will be more comfortable being yourself.
  7. Create a kid-free zone where you can escape from the awkwardness, decompress and recharge.
  8. Be your big, beautiful self. Don't shrink because those around you treat you like you're insignificant.

If you fall into the trap of behaving like an outsider because that's how you're feeling, you'll only continue the cycle. Focus more on your own life and other aspects of it, enjoying your marriage and friends and focus less on the kids.

Chances are, as the years go by and you become more bonded with your stepkids, they'll naturally start integrating you into their lives. But give it time. And remember that time in a stepfamily moves at a snail's pace.

For help dealing with stepfamily issues, visit Jenna at www.StepmomHelp.com.