Dating Real People (After An Eating Disorder)

Now that Ed (insider nickname for "eating disorder") and I are no longer together, I am dating real people. As dysfunctional as my relationship was with Ed, at least dating him felt familiar and reliable. Sometimes what is bad (i.e. Ed) can actually feel safe and comfortable, simply because it is familiar.

Ed was predictable. Sure, he threw the occasional curve ball, but for the most part, I knew what he wanted. He wanted control of my life and would do anything to get it. Real guys are not as predictable, and I find this quite challenging. I have been talking a lot lately with friends and family about navigating the unchartered waters of dating.

Dating is about gathering information, not necessarily spilling it. I have definitely struggled with giving out too much information -- my deepest thoughts, secrets, and fears -- too soon. I used to wear the same thing on all of my first dates. I wore a scarlet letter. Unlike in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter, my scarlet letter was not an "A" for adultery, but a "T" for trauma. I wore my scarlet letter like a badge to represent any past trauma and life struggles.

We tend to air out our dirty laundry like this in an attempt to see if the other person will still like us. I am learning that time is a huge factor in getting to know someone and that the dirty laundry will come out naturally, over time. We don't have to put our dirty socks on the table before the food has even arrived on the first date!

When things do come out naturally, I am beginning to understand that I need to be responsible for my own past. I have heard it said about relationships, "It's okay to have baggage, just make sure you carry your own bags." In the past, I have not carried my own bags very well, and in fact, I have expected guys to pick them up for me. One guy I dated actually told me, "You are a big, big, big red flag!" No, he was not saying that I was fat. He was saying that he needed to steer clear of dating me. And, at the time, he was right.

I am also discovering that dating is about being real, not accommodating and nice. I am no longer co-dependent on first dates -- or seconds or thirds. I am true to myself. For so long, the men I dated didn't get to know the real Jenni because I hid behind who I thought each one of them wanted me to be. Metamorphosing like this was hard work -- I won't do it anymore. I like to laugh, so I laugh. I am a little quirky, so I am a little quirky.

I am learning to take my time and not rush into anything. These days, I try to get to know a man slowly and avoid immediately putting him on a pedestal, believing that he is Mr. Right and can do no wrong before I even know his last name.

As I take things more slowly, I am trying to enjoy the process and realize that I don't have to "do" anything. Yet another problem that I have had with dating is feeling like I always have to do something. If he does this, I have to do that. If he does that, I have to do this. The truth is that I don't have to do anything except be myself and trust the process. If it doesn't work out with someone, I will learn something for the next time around.

When I first broke up with Ed, I did not have many expectations from men. Compared to Ed, every man was a step up. Today, I do have expectations from men and from myself. I expect people to treat me with respect, and I expect to treat others the same way. I respect myself. Dating in this healthy way is actually helping me to get to know myself better. I am having more fun along the way.

Join me on this blog (become a fan above!) as I share more of my journey.

Comments

[NYC Texan]

Brad, while you make a good point, I believe that the how you get to know someone also tells alot about your personality. Communication is extremely important in relationships and how you communicate your "dating resume" and other personal details is an important step early in a relationship. Dumping too much information too early or visa versa can end the progress before you even get to the important part of a relationship - maybe for good reason!

From my observation, often times telling too much too early can signify a need for validation, while letting information come out naturally shows a comfort and confidence in who you are. The more comfortable and in control of the getting-to-know-you phase you are, the more you can focus on whether the other person is right for you instead of worrying if you will be accepted by the other person - then you can get past the games and really get close to someone.

[perikson]

Hi, Jenni. I think that the kinds of dating waters you were entering were "uncharted," or unfamiliar, rather than "unchartered," or the lawless kind that pirates ply...

[BradBrown]

Everyone is different. I don't think I'm breaking new ground by saying that, but maybe I am. In my opinion, if you "air your dirty laundry" on the first date or if you come on real strong and talk about marriage after the second date, you might could delay that outburst until date three or four, but you are who you are. Is there anyone out there that is really worth reprogramming yourself for? I'm guilty of telling friends to say this or not to say this to girls, but thankfully they don't listen. I am happily married for several reasons, but one of them is that we act like ourselves. My wife and I don't love all sides of each other's personalities, but I'll be damned if it doesn't work. I fell in love with my wife's warm heart and the three tons of hair she leaves in the shower drain. I don't even want to ask her why she fell in love with me...somet­hing are best left unexplained.

[Jenni Schaefer - Huffpost Blogger]

Excellent point, Brad. We are all different. I really like your quote about how you love your wife's warm heart as well as the three tons of hair she leaves in the shower!

[kenny1ram]

Do you think childhood expectations of relationships plays a big role in adult expectations? Does your role within your family growing up, at least in part, determine your role whilst dating as an adult. From my experience as a middle child, there was a slightly different perspective than my siblings. I saw dating as something more than just having fun on a Friday night. An example would be how concerned I was with the deforestation of roo trees, the devastation of marine habitats, or the plight of apex predators and whether or not the girl i was dating was just as concerned. I'm married now, but interpersonal relationships are what make the world go 'round. I look forward to reading more.

[Jenni Schaefer - Huffpost Blogger]

I, too, am a middle child! Thanks for bringing up the point about how our childhood impacts our adult relationships. It is definitely interesting to see how my two brothers and I act differently in the dating/marriage world.

[mare vitalis]

i really enjoy reading your blog posts and articles. you are a true inspiration. keep up the great work!

[great lake swimmer]

I loved this article. I especially loved the part about being yourself and about realizing you don't have to respond to every single more your partner makes. If a girl does something nice for me, I stress over how I am going to respond. When am I going to respond and do something nice? This article makes me realize that other people go through my same problem, and it helps me to realize I just need to enjoy the fact that someone has done something for me....not worry the whole time about reciprocity.

Thank you for a great blog, Jenni. You have definitely helped me to wake up and smell the coffee, and stay positive about dating.

[Jenni Schaefer - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your comments. That is so true about having to get real with ourselves before we can get real with someone else. I must say that Ed (a.k.a. eating disorder) helped me to get real with myself like no other challenge in life. I would never go back and choose to have an eating disorder (never!), but I am grateful for the gifts of recovery.

[Jill Prager]

Like Laura mentioned and the whole idea behind this (from what I read) is trust. How in the world could I ever date and expect a relationship to manifest itself if I do not trust? If I don't trust myself then I will never FULLY trust another human. I'm working on this and being aware is helpful. Relationships take time to form and take time to trust. I need to trust the process...

Thanks for posting this. I do not need to rush into a relationship with anyone until I can form one with myself.

[Laura Collins Lyster-Mensh - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello, Sister Blogger!

Thank you so much for getting me involved with HP - I'm loving it!

I think 'dating real people' applies to so many of us. I certainly went into romance with some crazy ideas when I was young. I didn't get real with dates until I got real with myself and all the lessons you mention are ones I learned the hard way. Excellent insights and ideas here.