Maybe I'm Not So Bad at Dating

Lately, my mantra is: "I'm bad at dating." Part of my identity seems to be wrapped around this idea. Sometimes, I think I enjoy being the person in the room with the funniest (aka "most pathetic") dating stories. On a recent night out with friends, another woman was about to share an entertaining story of her own, but after hearing me, she raised a white flag and surrendered, saying, "You win. I can't top that."

But is that really winning? When it comes to men, do I want something more than just funny stories to tell? Can I have more?

My friends think so. In between laughing with me (or possibly even at me), they often say that I am actually quite good at dating. They say I have a quick reaction time. As soon as I see a red flag (or red banner as mentioned in the last post here), I won't stick around and try to change a guy. If I know it isn't right, I move on -- and fast. Sometimes, I am so quick that I never even meet the guy (also mentioned in the last post). I won't settle, so I won't go out on a second and third date with someone if I know it's not going to work out. I guess you could say I am a serial first-time dater.

The question then becomes: why do I keep attracting men who I only want to go out with once? Or even more specifically, am I actually choosing to date these guys in an effort to squeeze out the chance of having the real thing with someone? In my current online dating experience, two different friends have watched me as I sorted through messages from interested men. Both friends said that I seem to gravitate toward the ones who won't last. One friend actually made me -- or rather "heavily encouraged me to" -- respond to someone I usually would have just deleted. And how did that make me feel? Afraid.

I admit it. I am scared of getting into a real relationship with a guy who I could really be with. I am scared I will lose myself like I have done before. (My new song, I Miss Me, is about this.) I am afraid of losing my independence and feeling suffocated. I am terrified of getting hurt. I am tired of getting close to the right thing with a man (getting my hopes up), and then having it not work out. And I don't want to be de-friended by yet another guy on Facebook!

Maybe I'm not ready to change my status on Facebook to "in a relationship," but I think I am ready to keep a friend. And maybe that's where it should start anyway. Some people say that love relationships and even marriage are just about being with your best friend. That doesn't sound too bad -- not too scary. In fact, that seems like an experience where I would have room to breathe and possible even flourish. What if being with the right person feels calm and natural? What if it feels good?

I have to believe that it does. What I have learned from talking with people across the country about life and relationships is that we have to believe things can change before they will. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I am working on changing. I am trying to be more vulnerable and open with my heart. Don't worry. I will still keep you entertained with funny dating stories. But I am going to try to share some not-so-funny stories as well. I hope to tell you about guys I really like and who have the potential of something long-term.

Why am I posting all of this online? If you have read my books, you know that I write about what I am most learning in life. Writing is a healing process for me. Plus, you guys have great comments on this topic and are a whole lot cheaper than therapy! Please share more of your thoughts here.

Single in Music City,
Jenni

This piece is in a series I am posting related to dating. You will also find this series on my Facebook Notes page. (There are already some great comments posted on Facebook from others!) If you have dated me and you are reading this, thanks for being a part of my experience. This is all in good fun! I am grateful.

 

 

 

Follow Jenni Schaefer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JenniSchaefer

Comments

[3pinkdrinks]

12:26 AM on 03/01/2010

Jenni! i feel like you're my twin in bizarro world - even down to the name...

I am recovering from an awful breakup with the man who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. He dumped me after 11 years in a text message. Who does that?! Seriously...

I'm starting to put myself back out there again... Online profile went up last week. Wish me luck.

You raise some good points here i need to be mindful of.. specifically, keeping my heart open to finding Mr. Right... and not panicking if it doesn't happen right away. But I hope to have some tales of good guys to tell in the near future after my debacle in the bar last night.. http://www.3pinkdrinks.com/3pinkdrinks/2010/02/jen-are-you-my-prince-charming.html

Thanks for sharing your stories... it makes it easier for the rest of us in the same boat. ~ Jen

[Jenni Schaefer]

01:27 PM on 02/12/2010

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here. I love to hear everyone's different perspectives on dating and relationships. Recently, I have heard the idea a lot that dating is a numbers game. For many of us, that seems to be true. HDIYE, I love the question you posed: "Why do some of us somehow know how to be loved? And why are some of us just so clueless?" I am going to ponder that one!

[HDIYE]

02:04 PM on 02/11/2010

I seem to have the opposite problem. I find tons of guys I am interested in, and about half the time they are (or seem to be) interested in me back. I'm a pretty social person and I make friends easily (although that wasn't always the case growing up), but I can't ever seem to keep that momentum going with men. They'll express interest, we hang out, and it always seems to go nowhere. I often find myself hanging out with a guy a 2nd or 3rd time and find that his interest seems to have waned. I don't know if I am just not a good conversationalist, or if I'm not meeting the right people, or it's just plain bad luck / timing.
Since I moved back east I have had 4 or 5 encounters that went nowhere - and I can't figure out why. I've only been in one long term relationship my entire life, and I'm 30.
The sad thing is, a bigger part of me is beginning to accept that this might be the way it is for me, that I'm going to be one of those rare people who never gets married.
I'm attractive and educated and I've been told I'm funny, intelligent and interesting. I'm very casual and give men their space. Yet I get the same results over and over.
Why do some of us somehow know how to be loved? And why are some of us just so clueless?
Thoughts / opinions

[EddieinNashville]

03:24 PM on 02/04/2010

If there is a better place to start than friendship, I haven't heard it. I would rather have several female friends and the possibility of something developing than several burned bridges. Your posts are fresh air about an important topic. Keep looking and look for friendships first.

[photowootwitt]

12:56 AM on 02/04/2010

I have been online dating it seems like since the dawn of time. I have met many very good people that I have shared pieces of my life with, but we never made it through the patches. I have not ever been a commitment phobe. I am really happy being alone. i can come and go as i please, my house is paid for and I have a decent job. Why would I need some I thought? Well reality set in when I finished my master's degree and slowed down. I noticed how lonely life gets. Well in all the time i spent online I finally met someone where it finally clicked. We love talking and experiencing life together and her daughter loves me. you know..commitment isnt so bad. we since have started a dating website collaborated on from men and women. Hope it makes someone very happy. www.photowoo.com

[TartandSoul]

01:50 PM on 02/03/2010

Bulgarian mafiosos, foot fetishists, European playboys with monster schlongs - I've had plenty of good stories about the men who've passed through my life as a single gal. Like you, I'm tired of the stories and want to tell romantic tales that begin with funny dates but continue into meaningful relationships.

I used to believe "commitment-phobia" was a term sad gals made up for men who just weren't feelin' them. Until I realized I'm drawn to men with intimacy issues because I've got 'em myself. But you're right - we've got to get over them if we ever plan on getting anywhere.

Check out my blog post, "Love and Other Phobias" and see what you think:

http://tartandsoul.com/2009/08/16/love-and-other-phobias/

Thanks for the great piece!

[medon]

12:39 PM on 02/02/2010

I have tons of experience with online dating ALL of it wildly successful. That means I’ve made lots of friends, met a lot of people, heard all kinds of stories, and had some fantastic experiences. It took me a long time to figure out dating is a NUMBERS game. It is foolish to attempt to winnow out people from just their profiles using anything other than the broadest metrics – such as 20 years older than me or living a 1000 miles away. I attempt to meet in person as soon as possible everyone who I am at all interested in. Increasingly [I am in my 60’s] I meet women who lie up to 10 years about their age.

I don’t have time to go on and on here – em me for details. In the last 15 years I have lived for at least a year with 3 women I have met online, I manage the retirement funds of another, have made travel and hiking friends with others and maintain correspondence with others I never even met in person. For me it’s a can’t lose proposition – I will always find out more about myself, other people and the human condition.