Hey New Mama,
First of all... you're doing great. And just so you know, that first year with a new baby is insane. It's not you, promise. How do we know? Because we've been there.
See, we have older kids now, and we empathize with how sleep-deprived you are and that your emotions can change from angry to happy to sad to confused to elated in just a minute. How do we know? Because we've been there.
Concerns such as reflux, sleep schedules and nipple confusion only add to the frustration. We quickly obsess about what we're hearing and panic Will she ever stop crying? Is he getting enough milk? Will she ever take a bottle? How do we know? Because we've been there.
And guess what? All will be fine.
The reflux DOES go away, your baby WILL start sleeping through the night and yes, she WILL learn to take the bottle. So while everything may seem chaotic right now, after about a year that haze will lift and you will actually laugh about some of your current worries. Promise.
On that note, here are some of the baby-related terms that are funny to us now:
On Pregnancy and Delivery:
- Mucus Plug: Really? Really? You won't have to think about this again (at least not until the next pregnancy).
- Dilated and Effaced: We know... we all fear that we will be stuck at 1 centimeter FOREVER. But guess what... baby finally finds a way out. Promise.
- Episiotomy, Crowning, Forceps: Again, horrifying terms to hear in the moment, but months later will be distant memories as well.
- Geriatric pregnancy (for moms over age 35): Okay, hearing this at EVERY. SINGLE. CHECK-UP. is not so much fun. However, like other terms you'll learn to let it go. (Although, sadly, the forgetfulness continues.) Wait, what were we saying again?
On Boobs and Bottles:
- Colostrum and "Waiting for the milk to come in:" Here's the thing... either your milk will come in or it won't. Either way, we swear that someday you will forget that you ever obsessed over this.
- Dream-feeding: Soon, the only dream-feeding that you'll do is in front of the freezer, hunting for ice cream at 2:00 am... Ba-dum-dum!
- Nipple confusion/nipple shields/nipple cream/breast pump/ "Breast-friend"/ bottle brush/nipple brush/pump shield/pump bags/pump tubing/sanitizing everything: SO. MUCH. GOING. ON.THERE. And guess what? Post-nursing and bottle feeding, all of this will become a distant memory. Then starts the fun of eating solids (see below). Yeehaa!
On Baby's Digestive System:
- Meconium: You won't ever have to think about that sludgy poo again... hooray! (However, you WILL be checking/asking caregivers to report on the color, consistency, and smell of each poop for a loooong time. Sorry.)
- "Pump the legs" (to relieve gas): Trust us, the reflux and colic WILL END... we promise. And when they do, please go out and celebrate, or at least try to get six solid hours of sleep in a row. K?
- "Blowouts:" The good news is that once you introduce solids, the days of high-pressure poo spraying are a thing of the past. (The bad news is that you won't be able to use blowouts as an excuse anymore as to why you're late. Darn!)
And those are some of the terms that make us chuckle. (See? We're laughing... and you will be too. Promise.) You totally got this, Mama.
Ladies -- what else did you obsess about -- that you now think is funny? Share below in the comments!
Image created at Wordle
Jennie Sutherland lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and their two young daughters (one preschooler, one toddler). For more satire follow her on Twitter @jenniesuth. Thanks to the following contributors: Liz Monsma, Margaux Colburn, Katie Prosperi and Amy Wolfgang.
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