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It's been just about two years since I asked my ex to move out and life has changed for the better in so many ways. There were times during my marriage when I thought I would never be okay, that I would never be good enough, and that I was just a bad person who had failed at love.
I had to do a lot of work on myself, and although it may seem a little dramatic, I had to de-program myself from the effects of my marriage. One thing I knew for sure once we broke up is that I never once lamented losing the person to whom I was married. Two years later, I realize that all the things that people typically miss about their ex-partners during break-ups, were all the things I had already mourned for one by one throughout our marriage. Although we were physically in the same home for a long time, we had already broken up years before.
I made compromises throughout our relationship that I think are important to share in case you are having doubts about your own relationship. It's easy to let these things go, but if you find yourself in any or all of these situations, it is time to take a good, hard look at yourself, your relationship and whether or not these compromises are really deal breakers in sheep's clothing.
Compromise 1: Brushing off all the little lies that I later realized were calculated deceptions
I remember the first time I found out he had deceived me. I never knew that he snored until we moved in together. I don't have an issue with snoring, in general. In fact, once I fall asleep, it usually takes quite a bit to wake me up. Short of my bladder threatening to explode, I tend to sleep deeply until the wee hours. I asked him one day if he used to stay up all night when we were dating so that I wouldn't know that he snored. He admitted it right away. There was a little twinge in my gut, a warning sign that I ignored, so I brushed it off and thanked him for being considerate enough to stay up all night so that he wouldn't keep me awake. This was just the first of many deceptions and as the relationship became more serious, so did the deceptions.
Compromise 2: Dismissing my doubts about the relationship because I didn't want to hurt my son
One of the reasons I was with my ex was because of how he treated my son. My two-year-old son had bonded with my ex and he had taken on a father figure role in my son's life. I dismissed many of our issues and my own gut feelings about the relationship because he was kind to my son. Once I discovered some of my ex's deceptions and I began to have doubts about our relationship, I felt that it would hurt my son too much if I left. Once I was pregnant with my second son, my oldest, who was 4-years-old by then, sat with me at the kitchen table and in his sweet, innocent voice, asked me if I would find a new husband after his brother was born. I vowed right then to simply deal with the issues in our relationship, and make sure I worked harder to make it better. At the same time, I felt very stuck.
Compromise 3: Making excuses about why he didn't support me when I needed it most
Sometimes, I would have a bad day, and he would get angry and roll his eyes when I asked for a hug. When I would catch a cold or come down with a fever, instead of empathy, I'd get a line something like, "Great, I don't have time to get sick. Stay away from me." Eventually, I got to the point where I never asked for anything, and if it was something that I wasn't able to handle on my own, it simply didn't get done. I told myself that he was too busy with work and other important obligations to deal with petty little things like my stuffy nose or who had hurt my feelings that day.
Compromise 4: Living with the jabs, insults and passive-aggressive behavior thinking it was my fault
We were in therapy, and I was making a last-ditch effort to make things tolerable, if not better. He often used therapy as a way to hurt me in a "safe" environment. When we discussed our intimacy issues, he would say that because of my depression, I had become a "terrible person to live with." He also admitted that he was no longer attracted to me because my medications had made me gain weight and he "was not attracted to that particular body type." I was feeling as if it was my fault, that I had become a bad person who couldn't take proper care of herself. When his "therapeutic safety zone" extended into our regular life, he began to flat-out insult me. The B-word came out now and then, and at first, I just took it because of the terrible person I thought I had become. When I finally defended myself one day, he told me he was just joking and that his language toward me was influenced by characters on a TV show. When it happened a week later, I realized that was what he really thought of me. I never feared for my physical safety, but I often feared for my emotional well-being. I began to think about what I wanted to say, to wonder if what I wanted or needed would anger him and elicit another B-word whispered under his breath as he walked out of the room. Unless I really needed to communicate, I mostly became quiet at this point.
These compromises went on for the majority of our 11 year relationship. Once I discovered on his iPad, evidence of my ultimate deal breaker -- infidelity -- I realized that I had been mourning the end of our relationship in bits and pieces for years. In fact, I was relieved that I had found something that could so legitimately end our relationship. When he moved out, I didn't miss his presence. I didn't wish he would come back and put the broken family back together again. I realized that my kids and I were still very much together and better equipped than ever to live a positive and meaningful life. I learned that I must always listen to my gut feelings, never ignore the red flags and if there are issues that bother me, that the best thing I can do is communicate them immediately to my partner.