Last month I wrote an article for HuffPost Divorce about my research that revealed 30% of divorced women knew they were marrying the wrong guy on their wedding day. This statistic triggered much consternation and denial. After wading through hundreds of comments bashing the institution of marriage, doubts about my methodology, and nasty remarks about women, men and relationships in general, it appears everyone missed the point.
So let me put it another way: Have you ever talked yourself into a decision that you already knew was the wrong one? Of course you have. We all do. Have you ever taken a job that you knew in your gut wasn't a good fit for you? (Totally ignored the weird vibes from your new boss? Assured yourself you could learn to be "detail oriented and good with numbers.") What about buying that car that you really couldn't afford? (A $600-a -month car payment on a thirty thousand dollar a year salary -- yeah, right.) Or maybe you agreed to split the rent with your slovenly college friend in order to afford a nicer apartment. (Shut your eyes and hope she had magically changed into someone neat and tidy.) And what about the third donut you ate for breakfast this morning? (The little voice in your head promised: "I'll go for a run after work.")
We can rationalize anything. But when we talk ourselves into dating the wrong guy or girl -- that's where the potential for lifelong heartache begins. So after hearing one too many clients admit that had doubts about their relationship long before the wedding -- the therapist in me wondered what I could do to change that. (And yes, men do it too -- but I'll get to that later.)
I want to clarify that the doubts were not the garden-variety nerves that typically accompany any life-changing decision. They weren't just "cold feet" or "wedding day jitters." Rather, the women in my study talked about issues, concerns, doubts and other red flags that existed throughout the course of their relationship. Not just on their wedding day. The problem was that they had brushed their concerns aside. Instead of facing up to the red flags or exploring their gut feelings -- they squelched them and stayed in the relationship anyway.
My goal was to uncover the reasons why so many women make this mistake. If we understand why they stay in a relationship with the wrong guy, or go through with a doomed-from-the-start marriage, perhaps we can help them figure out what they are really searching for. Not to mention sidestep a miserable marriage and an eventual court date with the divorce attorney! Based on my research, here are the five most common reasons cited for marrying the wrong guy:
1. We've dated for so long I don't want to waste all the time we have invested in the relationship.
2. I don't want to be alone.
3. He'll change after we get married.
4. It is too late, too embarrassing and/or too expensive to call off the wedding
5. He is a really nice guy; I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I must elaborate on number five. It is really hard to break up with a nice guy. Unlike the enraged commenters who suggest women are "evil gold-diggers determined to destroy their fiancé's lives," most women I talked to did consider their betrothed and his feelings. It's often easier to break up with cheater or a liar (although far too many women don't do that when they should either!) But when it comes to nice guys, it can be hard to figure out why you aren't happy together. The reality is, he may be a solid, good guy on his own. But as a couple, the equation does not add up. The idea of "two becoming one" should not equal instant discomfort. However, when the relationship is solid and true, there is very little doubt, internal conflict or questions. And for the naysayers, I said very little doubt; I did not say no doubt whatsoever. I encourage women (and men, too!) to be very specific about the source of their concerns. Write them down -- articulate them. Consider how the relationship might look ten years in the future. And if none of that helps I share a favorite quote from the author Mignon McLaughlin: "When 'Why not do it?' barely outweighs 'Why do it?' -- don't do it. "
And the million dollar question -- why no men in this study? I chose to focus my research on divorced women. But I did talk to a lot of men along the way, too. And yes, men do talk themselves into marrying the wrong girl. What was interesting is that the men's reasons for saying "I do" when they wanted to shout "I don't" tended to be more "other-centered" than many of the women. They overwhelmingly cited a sense of duty, obligation and concern for their fiancé's feelings as their reason for walking down the aisle anyway.
I do want to point out that these findings also apply to people who have never married, yet choose to stay in long-term, unproductive, sometimes soul-crushing relationships. They cite many of the same reasons: "I don't want to be alone." Or "We've invested a lot of time." Or "I don't think anyone better is going to come along." These reasons don't make for happy relationships -- married or not.
And finally, a caveat for our gay friends. Now that they have the right to legally marry in some states, I hope they take heed and make sure they are marrying the right guy or girl for the right reasons.
So let this be a lesson to you. It doesn't matter if you are male or female, straight or gay, young or old, divorced, never married or never-want-to-get married-again. Don't talk yourself into any relationship. Especially not for any of these reasons. Your future happiness depends on it.
(You can try to teach people not to marry the wrong person, but come on - we know when we're doing it, and we do it anyway.)
But at the same time, people change over time. For some, a couple of years of living together can bring on significant changes in your partner. There are things that can trigger this, e.g., loss of a job, illness, etc. You start out perhaps perfectly matched but after a few years you diverge to the point that you cannot stand the other. Stuff happens.
Sadly, I made the mistake of getting married. But we fixed it: separate addresses, bank accounts, etc). And in no way was I willing t be a housekeeper while he just shrugs his shoulders and watches TV. I would hate to be married to an old man for money. but to make sure I'm not taken advantage of, I make sure I don't do the same.
I am enraged to read post about all those men that want prenups, but demand a glorified cleaning lady and sex for free. They think hey are the kings of their house, but they only get what they're given and their wives end up controlling everything. That's why I believe in my heart that tyrants are cowards and lazy as well.
Believe it or not, I can be very patient and sweet, but was shunned by men that don't understand that a woman that does not like children isn't evil, and she can cherish her beloved while not having the slightest intention of changing a diaper in her life. It isn't true that men do not expect their wives to change, they do, and when frustrated can even turn violent.
At some point you settle for "Plan B" -- and it may turn out to be exceptionally good because of having waited; but then again, maybe not.
Perhaps because this writer has some integrity and knows that this is not the case?
"Don't you ever think that we might feel the same way..."
Let's use her own words: "And yes, men do it too -- but I'll get to that later."
This bothers me because the impression one might take is that rational, stable men are lured in by giggly, immature-buy-attractive girls who turn out to be bad partners. That does happen, but stable, rational men also choose stable, rational women and find that the pairings may not go as anticipated.
In any event, Ms. Gauvain should know that genuine research cannot point to conclusions beyond its scope of study. She may want to tell us about straight men, or about gay couples, but she did not actually study them, and "people are people" is a bad premise for matters related to mate selection. She should research these groups if she wants to present findings; otherwise, she is making guesses, which is fine but is not on par with her research-based conclusions.
......if you need to continue this conversation get me private at akorage@gmail.com
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The fault is that men and women need to sit down and figure out what they need in a partner, will that partner help them grow and will you help your partner grow. That is pretty hard for teens and twenty-somethings to attempt. This requires maturity and experience and our society tries desperately to keep people as immature as possible. It is hard to sell products to experienced and wiser older people. Why do you think the ideal demographic for TV is 18-45.
like the confusious comment, 'whence goes the money, so goes the 'magic' LOL