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Quarterly Yearnings: Breathing New Life Into Quarterly Results

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QUARTERLY EARNINGS
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Hot off the press...

SAN MATEO, Calif. -- Jennifer L. Glass Corp. (Ticker: JLG) today announced a third consecutive quarter of positive CT results, meeting expectations.

"It's no secret that expansion had gotten out of control," said Jennifer Glass, JLG's first employee and recently appointed CCO (Chief Cancer Officer). "We made defensive moves to focus our resources on slowing the surge, then halting growth entirely. It's too early to officially call this a recession, but the data points to a trend in that direction."

Shares of JLG plunged last year amid speculation about instability across the enterprise. A series of infusions helped JLG to rebound over the past several quarters.

Today's news comes on the heels of a turbulent year for JLG, marked by a hostile takeover bid from end-of-life-sciences industry titan Chaos, Necrosis, Crisis and Rash (Ticker: CNCR). Led by CNCR founder and chief architect Mr. G. Reaper, CNCR boasts a long history of establishing a foothold within organizations, then engineering early and often involuntary exits.

CNCR's aggressive moves to gain control of JLG triggered the use of a "poison pill," which has successfully curbed CNCR's advances for the time being.

"Those guys over at CNCR want to put us in the hosting business, which is a high-risk venture," said Ms. Glass. "We seek the best possible returns for everyone invested in JLG. In this case the price is just too high."

A person close to the discussions confirmed having heard Mr. Reaper remark, "We rarely go wrong when we bet on the spread." The source asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals.

CNCR spokesperson Malig Nancy did not respond to requests for comment.

JLG has long been known for a world-class support infrastructure, largely credited with sustaining operations during recent volatility.

Doug Lavanchy, Head of Support, said, "JLG has spent decades building a robust and reliable network. The team pulled together to provide 24/7 global support, even when pundits anticipated a loss."

On this latest rally JLG was upgraded from a sell to a hold rating.

"We live or die by these quarterly results," said Ms. Glass. "Management is pleased with this momentum, and we seem to be on course for another solid quarter, but we're not out of the woods yet. At this point we can't forecast much beyond the second half."

While JLG's long-term health remains unpredictable, the market is responding favorably to current stability, and consensus remains cautiously optimistic.

This piece originally appeared on parade.com. For more by Jennifer Glass, click here. "Like" Jennifer's Facebook page here.

 
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