Send all your eco-inquiries to Jennifer Grayson at eco.etiquette@gmail.com. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
My good friend and I have toddlers around the same age (my son is 18 months). Lately, every time we get together for a play date, my friend is letting her daughter eat junk. One time it was Cheetos, the next time it was Twizzlers... and this was at 10 o'clock in the morning! I'm super into healthy and organic, and I don't expect everyone to be like me, but this is ridiculous. Should I say something?
-Lizzie
I don't get it: What is the point of letting an 18-month-old eat this kind of garbage? Personally, I don't think there is ever a worthwhile reason for feeding a child (or an adult, for that matter) packaged, processed junk food, but a toddler doesn't even know the difference. At that tender age, you have complete control; all that's in the realm of your child's taste buds is what you choose to feed her.
My 13-month-old, for instance, has never had sugar, save for a few shmushy bites of a homemade chocolate cupcake at her first birthday party. The other day, I didn't realize I had bought the vanilla, sweetened version of the plain whole milk yogurt she normally eats. She took one spoonful, looked at me strangely, then spit it out in disgust.
That's now, of course. The real challenge, I know, will come later, when she arrives bouncing off the school bus from second grade with the telltale ring of orange around her lips after mooching Flaming Hot Cheetos from her buddies on the playground. Why start that struggle earlier than I have to?
Struggle, indeed: The latest scientific evidence shows that what we feed our children from the earliest age profoundly affects their tastes and diet later in life. Dr. Alan Greene, clinical professor of pediatrics at Stanford University and author of Feeding Baby Green, calls this nutritional intelligence -- the innate ability to recognize healthy food choices.
Researchers have shown that developing this all-important knowledge begins as early as in utero. A study in The Journal of Physiology, for instance, revealed that the offspring of pregnant and nursing animals that were fed healthy food tended to choose those foods as adults. The offspring of animals fed junk food, on the other hand, were more likely to eat junk. Not surprisingly, they were also significantly more likely to be fat.
So your friend isn't just letting her daughter indulge; she's setting her up for a lifetime of obesity, heart disease and diabetes. And let's not forget about the eye-opening research of late regarding artificial food colors (linked to ADHD), food additives like monosodium glutamate (also linked to obesity), and the genetically modified commodity crops like corn and soy that are found in nearly every junk food (linked to life-threatening food allergies).
Knowing this, should you say something to your friend? In the early days of this column, I may have advised against it, encouraging you to instead lead by example and hope that your friend seeing your own child's healthy treats would spark a conversation about bigger picture issues like childhood obesity and the environmental implications of processed foods.
But you know what? That doesn't work.
In the past few months, I've started revising my view of eco etiquette. I've come to realize that leading by example works when you're talking about showing off a cool new reusable water bottle, but sadly, not for problems this monumental. When you try to be subtle, people just miss the message.
And we need messengers, perhaps now more than ever before in American history. We can't wait for the media to tell us that childhood obesity has tripled in the past 30 years. We need to ask other parents at our children's schools why the US is spending billions of taxpayer dollars to subsidize junk food. Most importantly, we can't worry about hurting a loved one's feelings when it comes to sharing knowledge that could save them from ill health and heartache not that far down the road.
That doesn't mean you can't be a skilled messenger, of course. No mother, after all, likes hearing from another mother that she's bad at mothering. So when dealing with your junk-food-peddling friend, I suggest you trade in a frontal attack for something that any mother could relate to: One mother confiding in another.
"You know, when I think about giving little [Logan, Jayzee, Noah] the stuff we had fun eating growing up, I just think about all the studies connecting junk food to childhood obesity, diabetes, cancer and more, and then I think maybe we owe our kids more than that. Don't you struggle with it, too?"
Then pray for a rational answer.
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You're lucky to have the luxury of worrying about a dilemma such as this, which leads me to believe that you and your "junk-food friend" are not struggling single mothers working two or three jobs and raising a broad of kids in a 600 sq. ft. apartment in a subsidized housing complex with no transportation except for the public bus. But a large majority of people fall under this category, more than you think - and probably more than you are exposed to.
Eating organically and healthy is a luxury - not just financially but also because it takes TIME and RESOURCES to find healthy choices and to educate themselves about their choices. Not everyone has that luxury, some families are just trying to survive from day to day and don't have a computer, money to buy books, or an free time to visit the library.
So, as for your friend, my advice is to leave her alone and let her make her own choices. Cheetohs are not going to kill her kid. Life is short, and if you're lucky enough to be worried about something like this, then you sure are a lucky person.
I think there has to be some discussion. We did this as a group of moms and dads for play dates. Food had to be clearly labeled so anyone on a special diet would know what was in it whether it was to accommodate vegetarian diets or allergies.
Some were more forgiving of junk food and others were adamant against it. Some were surprised I limited my child's fruit but realized why when their child had stomach issues sometimes. The whole group started using Smucker's low sugar jams (not artificial sweetener or "fruit juice" just less sugar) after the kids started mobbing me for the pb&j sandwiches I brought. We were kind of all over the place but we made it work.
I think you can lead by example and say something. Bring your own snacks to share. You can also tell them you don't want little Timmy or Trisha to have the junk because it seems to have an effect on their behavior and causes an argument during play date to boot, so maybe let her kid have it after you leave.
Also make it abundantly clear to your child that eating something occasionally at someone's else's house is not the same as the choices made for most of their eating.
But before you act, I'd ask that you really consider the consequences of the conversation and what outcomes you can live with. Accept that your friend could be very hurt and offended. I'd also ask that you take one more look at your evidence before proceeding. What I mean is: be sure that this is a pattern of behavior on your friend's part, and that it's reached a degree of seriousness that really worries you. Being annoyed might not be enough to reasonably cross the telling-someone-how-to-parent line (and retain the friendship), so long as she's not pushing the junk food at your child.
If you weigh both those issues and feel comfortable with your answers, then go ahead. Just be tactful and understand that no matter how you say it, you could come off as *slightly* self-righteous.
I used to think that junk food as an occasional treat would not be a bad thing, but I am just not so sure anymore. Too many empty calories and chemicals in that stuff!
This Lizzie chick needs to back off unless this is the type of friendship where such honesty and thoughts have already been welcomed. If not, drop it. It's not her kid; it's not even a niece. If the mom is making a mistake, it is her right to make it as long as it's not causing true harm
And there's more than a "chance" of a kid having health issues from eating junk, alimagrog -- one-third of US adults are now obese:
http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/opinion/sunday/is-junk-food-really-cheaper.html?_r=1
dear Jennifer: my brother refuses to circumcise his newborn baby!! I'm going to tell him how all the baby's future sexual partners are at risk for cervical cancer!!! that will change his mind!!
dear Jennifer: my mother doesn't recycle. how can I exclude her from all future family gatherings at my house until she becomes ecologically responsible?
good grief.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/weightloss/2009-11-17-future-obesity-costs_N.htm
I didn't say you should attack the mom about her choices outright, but we need to find a way to talk about this issue. There's too much at stake.
I don't have kids but if I did, I'd just be honest and blunt: my kids would not be eating that garbage. If I had a friend who fed her child junk, I would be honest and suggest better things. If the person thought me vile, probably we wouldn't stay friends. I know that my friends who do have children do not feed them junk. So...
In spite of what it might seem from my comment above yours, I would never speak up to an acquaintance. I would have to be genuinely friends with someone before I'd comment. When I have children, they will eat the way I deem fit (the way we ate the way my parents deemed fit) but I would only speak my mind with a close friend.
It would be painfully hard to say nothing to an in-law but I guess preserving the family peace is the top goal. Poor kid though.
And his wife is a doctor?
Wow.