I don't generally take requests for writing topics, but an old friend reached out for some practical advice on how to handle lice, or more precisely, the threat of lice, which I will now refer to as "It" because there was once a time when the mere mention of pinkeye would cause puss to ooze from my children's eyes. I don't want to provoke the universe any more than necessary, and my head is already feeling itchy.
I've never written about It before except to inform you that I'm as afraid of It as I am death by great white shark. I had It as a child. I remember the experience well because my mom let me say swear words while she ran that fucking metal comb through my fucking hair for-fucking-ever. It fucking hurt!
Before we proceed, I feel it's my duty to admit that It has never infested my children's heads. My children have also never had the stomach flu, a fever over 101, or a broken bone. Now that I've put all of this in writing, I'm pretty much a sitting duck, so I hope you can appreciate my level of commitment to my blog, faithful readers, and old friends. That, and my stupidity.
Let's do this before lightning strikes my house. It goes without saying that remaining childless is the best way to prevent It. If, however, you've taken the parenting plunge and you find a letter in your child's backpack informing you that It has been detected at school, here's what you should do:
- Feign ignorance. Burn the letter and pretend It isn't happening. Like climate change, Donald Trump running for president, and inappropriately sexy Halloween costumes for young girls.
Godspeed!
P.S. This blog post will self-destruct in 30 seconds. In other words, this conversation never happened.
This post was one of four winners in the Term Paper of the Year competition at the 2016 BlogU Conference.