If you've ever been cheated on, you know the pain and anguish that accompanies it. The feelings of rejection and helplessness are almost unbearable, but rest assured there is something you can do to help the situation.
Here's how you can help change a cheating partner -- if they're willing to change too.
Cheating Is Only the Symptom
Cheating is almost always the symptom of some other issue within the relationship. By focusing solely on the act of cheating, we're missing the point entirely. This may be different than what you've heard in the past but if you read the rest of this article, you'll have a much better understanding of cheating and how to stop it.
When one partner cheats on the other, it is usually because some physical or emotional need isn't being met in the current relationship and for some reason they don't feel safe addressing the issues with their current partner. It could be embarrassment, fear of being judged or criticized, or the complete inability of either partner to listen or communicate in a compassionate and loving way.
Many partners have affairs because they don't feel appreciated or maybe they need a confidence boost to know they've "still got it," so they seek the approval of someone else to satisfy that need. Are you appreciating your partner in the way that they need to feel loved? We all experience love and appreciation differently. Some people like to hear certain words, or be touched in a certain way. Others like to received gifts or simply need to feel heard and understood to feel loved. How do you and your partner like to be loved?
One partner may not be getting enough sex or having satisfying sex, or they may want to feel in control or have repressed anger towards their partner that they're not letting out. In some cases it may even be that he or she is simply repeating a relationship pattern from their past, or their parents past.
Either way, the one thing that is common between almost all cheaters is that they have some kind of unfulfilled need -- something they aren't getting from their current partner. It's critical to pay attention to your partner and to create a safe environment where he or she feels safe bringing up issues or sharing when their needs are not being met. Once you begin to understand the reasons behind cheating, only then can you begin to move forward.
Own Your Part of the Cheating
I'm not saying that the cheater is the victim, but neither are you and the sooner you stop acting like a victim, the better off you will be in all areas of your life. Once again, cheating is a symptom of some other issue within the relationship -- and it's critical that you take 100 percent ownership of your relationship rather than pointing fingers and assigning blame to your partner. If you want your partner to stop cheating, talk to them about it. Ask them what they need to have in your current relationship to feel satisfied and let them know you're going to do your best to meet those needs. If it's purely sex, ask them what you can do to make sex hotter and more satisfying for your partner. If your partner is seeking the approval of someone else, stop and think about how you're treating your partner in the relationship. Are you putting them down? Do you criticize them often? If so, your partner may be seeking time with someone who simply dotes on them and enjoys spending time with them without the criticism. Take the time to analyze exactly what is behind your partner's cheating, because it may not be what you think. Make the initiative to change the relationship and try to meet those needs at home, so your partner doesn't have to look elsewhere.
Focus on creating a safe and loving environment where your partner can share anything with you and the cheating will stop.
Is Your Partner Willing To Change?
That said, you can only do so much to change the relationship to try to meet your partner's needs. Your partner must have the desire to stop cheating and work on being more involved in the relationship too. They must be willing to not only change themselves, but they have to be open and honest enough to let you know what is truly causing them to cheat. You deserve to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone who honest and open with you about absolutely everything. And when a partner cheats, it takes both of you to fix it. Both partners have to be willing to discuss the issues and make the required changes. If your partner simply shuts down when you try to talk to them about how to change the situation, flat out denies cheating (with substantial proof otherwise) or doesn't desire to change their ways at all, it might be time to think about moving on.
As always, please seek the help of a professional counselor if you're unable to work through the issues on your own.
Jennifer Hunt & Dan Baritchi are the founders of Ask Dan & Jennifer, Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource. Connect with them on AskDanAndJennifer.com, become a fan of Dan & Jennifer on Facebook and follow Dan & Jennifer on Twitter.
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Certainly "cheating" is indicative of a problem in a relationship. Examples include a fear-based obsession with monogamy, the unexamined equation of sex with love and exclusivity with fidelity, or the delusion that controlling another person's sexual activity ensures loyalty.
Sex outside of a relationship, on the other hand, is often due to boredom, something virtually guaranteed by a mono-diet. In sex, as in most most aspects of human existence, variety is interesting and exciting, and sameness is tedious. If you believe you're capable of entirely satisfying someone else's sexual needs, you're either a God or arrogant the point of character disorder.
If you manipulate your partner into a lifetime contract of exclusivity by refusing to admit that any other relationship is valid, feasible, admirable, or even possible, you've exploited that person's love for you to extort a promise. Refusing to accept half the responsibility for the consequences is dishonest and sleazy. So long as monogamy is the only choice, it's not a choice at all.
Put the blame where the blame belongs...with the men who made the committment.
As an adult, the cheater should have told their partner they weren't getting what they needed BEFORE they cheated or broken it off all together. The fact that you two think the person who broke their vow to remain faithful is somehow JUSTIFIED in breaking it staggers me. Your view is tantamount to "well if she didn't want to be raped, she shouldn't have worn that dress". Well, if I had 'loved' my man better, he wouldn't have strayed. Please give me a break.
So you weren't getting what you needed from your loved one, fine. Why not SAY something to them instead of betraying their trust and possibly exposing them to STD's?
Some people in a relationship are just more affectionate, more sexual, more encouraging, more whatever that the cheating partner claims is missing in their relationship with their current partner and offers up as explanation/reason for their cheating. I don't believe that we should put the onus on the spouse who is cheated on to change into something that they probably never have been and never could become. It may just not be in their nature or personality to be any of those things that the cheating partner wants from a partner now or ever.
I do believe that individuals in relationships also look elsewhere for companionship, because they have outgrown their partner. I have noticed this with couples who got married early in life (i.e. early twenties) and whose personalities, wants, needs and goals in life were quite similar when they started out as young adults but by the time they are in their late thirties and early forties realize that as a result of growing older and growing into their own person, no longer have anything in common with their partners, while they still may love them very much there is nothing there any more to connect to/with. No amount of marital counseling can bridge this kind of gap in my opinion.
While it is certainly important to address cheating behavior in a relationship with the cheater (if you are choosing to work it out), I don't think that by doing so will that it will turn a person who is a cheater into one that is not. Nor do I believe that the person who is being cheated can change/adjust their personality in order to suit the needs/wants of their cheating partner in the long term, or that by doing so that it will keep their relationship safe from future infidelity. This might however work temporarily but ultimately this is just a facade.
While it is certainly important to address cheating behaviour in a relationship with the cheater (if you are choosing to work it out) I don't think that by doing so will that it will turn a person who is a cheater into one that is not. Nor do I believe that the person who is being cheated can change/adjust their personality to suit the needs/wants of their cheating partner in the long term. This might however work temporarily but ultimately this is just a facade.
Some people in a relationship are just more affectionate, more sexual, more encouraging, more whatever that the cheating partner as the explanation/reason for their cheating.
for why their needs are going unfullfilled and why they cheat
Sure, there are lots of instances where responsibility can be borne by both parties. Neglect by one partner can instigate the acting out of the other, but where are the references to narcissistic personality disorder which can play a huge role among the highly successful, or to those compulsive, novelty seeking people with AD/HD, or to the desperate neediness of those suffering from depression, or to spouses surging with bigger than life bi-polar swings? Yes, those that are cheated on should take a deeply personal inventory of their own actions to evaluate if they unintentionally precipitated the cheating, however, many, many times, the one cheated on is very much a victim and should not be marginalized.
To change your circumstances, you have to first own your part in them - and this does not just apply to cheating...
I have a question for all of those who left comments indicating that you are the 'victim' and that it's not your fault at all - Have you actually tried the suggestions in this article or are you just 'poo-poo-ing' them because they force you to own your circumstance? Or are you more comfortable in the role of victim?
(BTW - thanks for pointing out the minor grammar error)
I have never cheated, and as far I know, I have never been cheated on either. However betrayal comes in many forms. It is absolutely devestating and telling the victim to take responsibility for it, sounds a lot like telling a rape victim that she really should have been wearing a longer skirt.
This is childish thinking, and really, is dangerous and disingenuous advice. That is not how life works.
It's an endless blame the injured person stance, which isn't healthy.
It's an insult to men who can and do remain faithful, regardless of temptation.
women cheat for the same reasons men do.
jeeez