Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success? We think so! Here are a few things that intelligent people should consider before getting married.
Is Marriage Still A Valid Social Construct?
There are many people today that are quite jaded about the whole concept of marriage. The feel that one time was enough for them. Since they did not marry the "right" person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.
They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they "want" to be. I believe people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one. After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?
Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new and possibly better situation.
The Up Side Of Marriage
So what is the upside of marriage?
Marriage creates a true partnership and a strong foundation for all other areas of your life. A loving, happy marriage provides you with the support and courage that you need to pursue your dreams. It is a safe home base when the world gets to be too much and the ultimate source of self-expression.
Nothing will tell you more about yourself than your marriage but here are some things you may not have considered...
Love Yourself First
The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long-term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven't accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won't ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we've done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.
Honesty First - No Exceptions
It's a rare couple that feels safe being completely honest with one another on absolutely any topic. It's also rare that couples stay married for life! We feel that absolute honesty is crucial for a lifelong partnership.
If you can't be honest with each other and talk about absolutely any topic before you get married, then we say your marriage is in trouble from the start.
Don't Try To Fix The Other Person
The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn't fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are "fixed." Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they've already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship.
Don't think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you'd love them if they just didn't do this one little thing... learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having.
Attend Pre-Marriage Counseling
We recommend attending couples counseling before making a huge commitment. Just because you're in counseling doesn't mean anything is wrong in the relationship -- it's actually a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.
Questions To Ask Yourself When Thinking About Getting Married
Here are some great questions that you should ask yourself before getting married, with some input from from Andrew Wang, one of our featured columnists on AskDanAndJennifer.com.
Do You Agree About Major Topics?
Some things simply cannot be negotiated.
* You may want kids, but she does not.
* You're religious preference is Catholic and his is Buddhism.
* You have differing political beliefs.
* One of you has a much higher sex drive than the other.
* He is a risk taker and you prefer a substantial safety net.
How do you compromise on such a huge issues? Simply put, you don't. While minor stuff, like who does what chore, can be discussed and argued, the big one can't and will only get bigger over time. But make sure you are on the same track about such major issues as children, finances, religion, or sex -- or know in advance how you'll compromise.
Do You Communicate And Solve Problems Well?
Again and again, good communication is slated as the way to make a marriage last. Do you feel like you can talk about anything together, like you can handle anything when you work together? You must be willing to confide in this person, to share what is bothering you. Otherwise, the drift between you will grow with each year that passes and more words go unspoken.
Does She Know All Of Your Secrets?
It can be hard to take that step in revealing all the embarrassing things they may do when alone or dastardly events in your past about which few people may know. Even simple admissions like how much debt you owe. Are you comfortable sharing this information with her? Is there anything she isn't comfortable telling you, in return? Remember, honesty is key...
Do You Think It Will Last?
This may seem like a no-brainer, but surprisingly, I have heard many people say something along these lines: "everyone needs a starter marriage," usually followed by a shrug. If you don't plan to have this relationship last forever, why bother at all? Put that time and energy towards finding the one with whom you do see yourself growing old.
Summary
These are just a few tips and ideas to get you started and I'm not trying to talk you out of marriage or to scare you, only hoping that you'll be honest with yourself and your partner. This will at least get your new marriage started in the right direction. It's up to you to keep if there.
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And forcing people to exit their relationships through a courtroom is just stupid and only lawyers benefit from it. Stop the craziness now!
Second, why marry? People seem to do best when they can express why they are marrying or they marry each other for the same reasons - love marries for love, money marries for money or security, family marries for family, companionship etc. If you both marry for the same reason or come to consensus with your spouse, it stands a better chance of succeeding and meeting each others expectations.
Third - I'd expand on conflict resolution skills. Dr. Phil once said he can predict with 95% accuracy who will stay married and who will divorce based on how they handle conflict. You might also ask how much conflict they've had and overcome in their premarital relationship. I've found that the amount of dealing with problems and each others shortcomings they've experienced and resolved well might mean more than how long the couple has been together. Its also relevant how confident each partner is about their own skills to resolve conflict without over-compromising or feeling resentful.
The key is not whether you disagree but how you disagree. There will certainly be disagreements and differences. The important thing is how you and your partner handle it.
What does not work is to marry a control freak. If you have an inkling that your partner is controlling or addicted, run the other way as fast as possible. This article is doing people a disservice by not emphasizing this.
Many people are initially attracted to the "strong personality", only to discover later that this means the person has no ability to compromise and simply wants to impose his (or her) will on others. That means the spouse will either be completely controlled by this person or else there will be major fireworks (abuse). Controlling person = abusive person.
If you even suspect your potential partner has tendencies in this area, do not think it will improve. It will only get worse once you are married. Marry someone who respects others, not someone who attempts to control others.
Do not marry a control freak or an addict.
I feel the same way, when comes 2 relationships. The problem is that usually people wait long enough 2 show their "dark side" and by the time it happens.......it's 2 late ! the ' victim ' is already "hooked" !!! When that happens, most people become cynical : DONT trust anybody & DONT believe anything anymore ! right or wrong ?!
It is interesting that you touched on a possible disillusionment about marriage based on poor past experiences. Perhaps not even our own personal past experiences, but just coming from a broken home could be enough to discourage some from ever entering into a long term relationship, or maybe that is because they simply do not understand how or what a healthy, loving and supportive relationship is?
Loving ourselves, honesty and accepting people for exactly how they are, are characteristics and behaviors that we can incorporate into every element of our lives, not just in our relationships, but with friends, family members, acquaintances and so on. These are healthy behaviors which we can develop and incorporate into our overall lives, making us a better person, and attracting someone of the same caliber into our lives.
Thanks for a great post!
Peace and much love
Lara Jane
Founder of the Ultimate Lifestyle Project
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com/spiritual-quotient
I disagree with this. One can be of entirely different religions, yet, if there is some sort of spiritual journey both can take (together), such things don't necessarily have to be a problem. As long as the couple can grow in that way without getting lost in the 'who is right or wrong' for paths in life.
It should be "your".
Doesn't anyone ever proofread? C'mon...
The American Legal System at work.
Women are programmed for marriage--it's in their genes, DNA, whatever. From playing "dress-up" as little girls to dreaming about shopping for that perfect gown as young adults, it's their overriding preoccupation--never mind all that talk about "fulfilling careers" and "finding themselves."
=So, guys, remember that "what you see" before you marry her may not be "what you get" after the honeymoon.
=It's not that women are consciously dishonest or putting up a false front [no pun intended] to get you to marry them. I mean, they did choose you; if they say "I love you," they probably mean it. But, underneath it all, is that desire for marriage, which is why, before the wedding, everything seems so blissful: e.g., they laugh at all your jokes, your friends are their friends, sex (especially
the parts you like best) is their favorite activity, etc. The fatal mistake that men make, of course, is to expect things to remain that way.
=The conflict arises because, fundamentally, men think of marriage as the beginning of something; whereas, for women, it's really the end of the beginning--they have achieved their most important goal. Now, the husband's job is to make babies, take out the garbage and, in that quaint but ominous phrase, "keep her happy."
Good luck grooms!