Sex sells. I've sold it for the past eight years and lived comfortably doing so. Being a porn star paid my bills, and the validation that comes with being a sex icon is like a line of blow after too many jack and cokes: it kept me up, kept me going. So it makes perfect sense that when I'd be out and about, living it up in the SFV's hottest clubs (ha) and trendiest bars, I would act like a porn star. Dressing up like Marilyn and taking nude photos, giving vajay-jay shots to paparazzi as I get out of my car, breaking into an old friend's house, masturbating in her bed with her vibrator, leaving it sticky under the pillow after stealing her jewelry and panties only to be caught by my new girlfriend who apparently knows what kind of underwear my other friend wears. Oh wait. That wasn't me. That was Linds, Brit and the newest addition to the wannabe pornstar posse, Johnson and Johnson's heiress, Casey Johnson.
I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why these beautiful, rich, heiress/famous for being famous women choose to act like Chatsworth's finest. There certainly is no financial incentive, my biggest reason. It's not to create a platform that will allow them to "crossover" into mainstream film; they are already famous for being famous. Could it be that validation part I mentioned? The part where I felt like I had no value as a woman unless I portrayed myself in a sexual and explicit manner? Did they not get attention from Mommy and Daddy as kids, and never figure out how to get "positive" attention as adults? Why do some take it that final step by releasing a sex tape, thus making them actual porn stars?
I asked my good buddy, Kevin Blatt -- Sex Tape Broker to the stars -- figuring that he's dealt with some of these girls before. Kevin is the guy behind Paris' sex tape, but don't get your panties in a twist. He's done plenty of good for the stars as well, there are at least "17 other tapes that you didn't hear about ... and why?"
Aside from some celebs knowing sex tapes aren't the best way to jump start a career, and Kevin having a conscience, they "paid some good $$ to make them go away."
I asked him why these famous girls feel the need to release a sex tape -- is it the money?
"It used to be the money that attracted them. These days unfortunately ... most people just want to be famous ... and more attractive to the opposite sex."
Since the money issue is out, and the girls are already famous, we're back to my original idea. Sexual validation verifies some women's existence.
It's a vicious cycle. I've used myself plenty, so let's use me as an example here, too. I want attention. I see other women getting attention, thanks to Fahrenheit 451-style billboards and Cosmo's guide to better orgasms. I decide to be a pornstar. People on set love me, I get a check, and a little bit of a buzz from all the attention. I go home alone. I want more attention. I go out to a bar and act like a wild woman. People at the bar love me, I get attention, and even higher. I go home alone. In the morning, I wake up and need even more attention, always trying to find that first high. Looks like Mama's going back to work.
The real question? Is this whole cycle of attention seeking behavior a self fulfilling prophecy? Robert K. Merton's Thomas Theorem says my perception of a situation coupled with the meaning I ascribe to that perception will determine my behavior, not the actual situation itself. So in thinking that dancing on tables and drinking men under them equals me being lovable or on the verge of stardom, I'm setting aside the reality that I have a drinking problem and should probably stop flashing my boobs at the bouncer. But would I have done any of this if nobody was looking? Nope. Bar is empty, I don't drink there. Nobody to flash, I keep my shirt on. So is the answer to keep these girls out of the press until they figure out how to garner positive attention? Should somebody grab their shoulders and shake them until they get it?
I don't have all the answers, and it took me eight years to figure out that being or acting like a porn star is not going to instill any self worth. It took an intensive rehab masquerading under the guise of "reality TV" and biweekly therapy sessions with both a sex therapist and psychiatrist to understand my issues regarding how I see myself in the mirror, and how I see myself in this world. And it took over eight months to recognize I have more to offer than slutty pictures, or questionable actions. Sometimes, a quick fall from grace is the only way to realize that perhaps we've never been graceful at all.
Follow Jennifer Ketcham on Twitter: www.twitter.com/becomingjennie