Poor Tiger Woods. There must be something wrong with him. What man isn't satisfied with billions of dollars from endorsements, a beautiful model wife and a brand new baby? Ranking at #1 and recently named Athlete of the Decade would be any man's dream of the perfect life, or so I assume. But assumptions always get me in trouble, and Tiger Woods and I have something in common other than (apparently) making love to fresh faced porn stars. I, like Woods, am a compulsive cheater. But unlike Woods, I am in recovery for my intimacy issues, and it's those issues that have led me to sabotage every intimate relationship I've ever had. I am unable to say what is wrong with Tiger, but I am starting to figure out what is wrong with me, and maybe it's applicable to the world famous golfer.
If you speak with my ex-boyfriends, they will tell you I was wonderful. Perfect. Very private and difficult to read but lovely over all. Up until the point where I cheated on them and then disappeared. Initially, there was one "other man" opposite the man I choose as a mate. As I grew older, and more uncomfortable at the thought of settling down, or the potential of marriage, the number of other men increased. This is how I dealt with closeness. While I've never been alone and have maintained the exterior appearance of perfection, I've always been lonely and perfectly imperfect. Intimacy terrifies me, and when a relationship starts to get serious, I get uncomfortable in my skin and subconsciously do all I can to destroy the relationship. I cheat. Lie. Start doing hardcore porn behind my boyfriends back. I can never figure out what's going on in the midst of it, but once that fat lady sings, I know he got too close to my heart, and felt my heart deserved to be untouched.
When the news about Tiger hit the stands, I thought, "Of course he's cheating!" I've been exploring the meaning behind my response, apparently I am one of the few Americans who thought it logical. It seems the public is surprised, flabbergasted that this perfect man living this perfect life would do something so less than perfect. Why are we surprised that a porn star fell into his *ahem* lap? Would we be more forgiving if his extramarital affairs were limited to one extra woman? Is it the number that has the world in an uproar or the notion that Tiger Woods is not as perfect as he appears? Would we be as upset if his wife had stood by him, like Hillary stood by Bill?
Professionally speaking, a porn star is the ideal person to have an affair with. She could have sex with a man and have it be nothing more than great sex, hence the occupation. There is no way to tell if America would be less astonished about his affairs if the numbers weren't so high, and I have a feeling there are plenty of women who aren't seeking the limelight for their indiscretions. I also have a feeling that if Elin forgave Tiger, America would go from "What's wrong with Tiger?" to "What's wrong with Elin?"
"Of course he's cheating!" goes to my core beliefs about people and perfection. I fundamentally believe the more perfect a person appears, the more secrets he is hiding. I also believe that regardless of how beautiful your wife or husband, how enormous your balance at the bank, or how many people on this planet look up to you, we need just a little bit more. The difference between me and Tiger isn't that he is a professional putter and I was a professional hole, it's that I'm in copious amounts of therapy and intentionally public about my past so I won't repeat it. I'm making amends to the men I've hurt and even though they've been compassionate and forgiving, I am still having a hard time forgiving myself. I pray that Tiger seeks the help he needs and deserves, and that this too, shall pass.