Jennifer Lehr answers your questions about sex, love, and relationships every week on Fearless Voices. To send her a question, email Jennifer
Dear Jennifer:
My wife and I have been married for eleven years. We have a beautifulthree-year-old daughter who has...a sleep disorder! This means she's up alot during the night and subsequently so are me and my wife. Of coursewe're reading all the books and seeing all of the specialists to makesure this little lady gets the sleep that she (and we) need.
We also work full time. So we're tired. Exhausted usually. Our daughternaps during the day, but we can't! As a result, our sex life does notexist. And hasn't really for the last couple of years. My wife and Ireally do love each other and I don't know about her, but an affair isthe furthest thing from my mind. I don't even have energy left over tothink about it. But, to be honest, I just can't imagine reigniting asexual relationship with her. It seems we drifted into a veryfamily-oriented relationship. We're definitely partners, but it seemsthe sleep deprivation has sucked our libidos dry. Any advice?
Thanks,
Tom
Wow Tom. That's really tough. My heart goes out to your family. Itreally does. Nothing is harder than life without enough sleep. Somestudies have shown that sleep is even more important than goodnutrition.
First and foremost, you and your wife must figure out a way to getenough sleep yourselves, otherwise, your lives will really comeunraveled. Without enough sleep not only will your sex life continue tosuffer but your health will. Both your immune systems are alreadycompromised, so if either of you or worse yet, both of you, get sick itwill be that much harder to get better. Then life will really bemiserable.
Your darling daughter needs to feel secure in her home. Sick, sleepdeprived, not-intimately connected parents do not create that sense ofsecurity. She needs highly functioning, loving, healthy parents tothrive and perhaps even to feel secure enough to sleep through thenight! You both need to refuel. You need to divide and conquer. Irecommend sleeping away from the house for a couple of nights to catchup and then let your wife do the same. One night away won't be enough.Perhaps even a week. You might need to ask a grandparent or even hire ababy nurse to come and stay with you while to support the at-homeparent.
Right now, in your sleep deprived states, I bet the idea of going outisn't so alluring because you don't have the strength and any excusejust to hang out in bed seems pretty tempting. But once you both getyourselves well rested enough, I recommend reconnecting with each otherwithout your daughter. Make a point of a regular date night. Let yourdaughter see that you two spending time alone together is important. Iwouldn't be surprised if it was a great comfort to her. Don't have anyexpectations of intimacy during these date nights. But if you keep itup, I think, in time your sex life will return to you and perhapssensing all is well at home, it might even help sleep return to yourdaughter.
I really hope it does.
Jennifer