Stop Telling Your Kids To "Share"

I had just started pushing Jules in a swing at the park when up to the sandbox strolled Theo, a petite two-year-old, proudly carrying a big orange drum and a single drumstick.
He put his drum down and was about to bang away, when a much taller three-year-old named Sam came over and wrangled the stick out of his hand and started playingLittle Theo wanted his stick back! But Sam wasn't about to give it to him. Banging the drum was fun and Theo was certainly no match.

On cue, the parent coaching began.

Sam's Mom put her cell down and told Sam that he had to give the drumstick back to the little boy because it was his drum. At the same time, Theo's Dad told Theo that he needed to share with Sam and let him play the drum for a while.

When not-surprisingly Sam didn't just give Theo the stick back and Theo didn't just say "Okay, cool, sure you can play my drum you tall, bullying stranger," the parents continued to demand compliance.

"Sam, let Theo have his drumstick back."

"Theo, you need to share with Sam."

Ignoring his mom, Sam wouldn't stop hitting the drum and Theo, who couldn't believe what was happening, became absolutely unglued. His father took to physically restraining him as he cried hysterically and thrashed about: I want my drum back. It's mine. I just got here. I only got to play it for two seconds. Stop telling me I have to give it to him! Or "share" it with him--whatever bullshit word you want to use that means I have to hand over my favorite toy over to someone I've never seen before. Let me go. Let me fend for myself.

Just as Sam's Mom started to once again tell Sam to return the drumstick--probably eager to both put an end to Theo's suffering and to get back to her phone call--Theo's Dad interrupted, "Thanks, but actually Theo needs to learn how to share."

Really? I thought. Right now?

Relieved to be let off the hook, Sam's Mom returned to her call even though the background was filled with a banging drum and a shrieking kid. (I would've hung up on her.) Sam must have triumphantly thought, Gosh, if I just hold out long enough, my Mom will back down and I'll get my way. How great! Duly noted.

As Theo raged on his Dad calmly continued his "share" lecture as if his son was remotely in a condition to hear a thing he had to say. Then, finally realizing that his approach wasn't working, Theo's Dad picked up a still-writhing and out-of-his-mind Theo and left the sandbox. He was taking him on a cool-down walk. Or a distract-him walk. While a peacefulness returned to the playground, as it turned out, the fun had only just begun.

About ten minutes later, a now calm and seemingly content Theo and Dad returned to the playground to find Sam still banging away. While the walk may have successfully turned Theo's thoughts to other things like falling leaves for a while, it's not like he was eight months old anymore. He didn't forget about his drum. Sam's mom, wanting to stave off another hurricane of upset, put her phone down again, and this time made sure Sam gave the drumstick to a salivating Theo--which he reluctantly did.

Not seconds into Theo's gleeful banging, however, did fellow two-year-old Owen show up with his parents. Owen and Theo's parents had just started their How-are-you's? when Owen started to grab the drumstick from Theo. And how do you think Theo's Dad responded to this? That's right. Theo had to learn to share.

"Don't you like Owen, Theo? Isn't he your friend? Don't you want your friend to enjoy your drum?" Theo's Dad said, waxing on and on to someone alive in the world for only 25 months.

And that's when Theo really lost it. FUCK YOU DAD! Fuuuuuck Youuuu you mother fucking asshole! wailed a wailing Theo.

It was unmistakable.

Fuck you, you mother fucking asshole that cares about other kids happiness more than mine! I'm your own flesh and blood for god's sake. You don't even know that Sam! You barely know Owen! Why can't I play with my god damned drum that you, yourself, said I could bring to the park? Or at the very least have the chance to fend for my self you controlling motherfucker. Let the go of me! I want to play my drum."

And off Theo was whisked for another walk.

All of this drama in the name of teaching the concept of sharing to a toddler.

Share! You hear parents say it ad nauseum on the playground. And it never seemed to help. Why, I began to wonder, why is it so hard for these little kids to do. Which made me wonder what it really meant.

Okay, so if I'm sitting in the only chair in the room and you want to sit down too, and I offer you PART of my seat, then we are indeed SHARING the chair. However, if I stand up and let you sit down, then I am GIVING you my seat. But if you later GIVE it back to me and I accept, then I have LOANED it to you, or indeed I have SHARED it with you over A PERIOD OF TIME. But before sharing can happen, giving away has to happen first. The giving away may later be relabeled as SHARING depending on what happens. But it may not. It's hard to know what will happen in the future.

However, I thought:

If I am eating a bagel and you want some and I GIVE you part of what I'm eating, then I have SHARED it with you because we are both getting part of the same whole but I have definitely not LOANED it to you because I can't get it back after you've eaten it.

Furthermore,

If I GIVE you part of my bagel even though I'm really hungry (or let you sit in my chair even though my legs are tired) then I am sublimating my desire (to eat or sit) in order to satisfy yours. Perhaps because I'm nice. Perhaps because it's civil. Perhaps because I'm a people-pleasing martyr who wants to be loved. Or perhaps because I have money and enough control over my life that I can go buy another (bagel or go find another chair right away. Or perhaps because my parents told me I had to and was afraid of how they'd respond if I didn't.

Therefore, facetiously I ask myself:

Do toddlers understand that when they are being asked to SHARE a toy that only one person can play with at a time, that they are in fact being asked to LOAN it to someone even though no time frame is being specified and even if it was, time is a difficult and abstract concept for people who live entirely in the present to understand therefore making it feel like they are being asked to GIVE it away?

And even if they do understand that they will get their loaned toy back in a short period of time, how equipped are toddlers to understand that they need to or should delay their own gratification for the gratification of others in the name of being "polite" or "sociable"? I mean, it's certainly hard for me to delay gratification for the good of my life. I credit card the jeans that make me look thinner even though my bank account is empty. And more often than not, I eat that cookie even though the scale doesn't show me the numbers I long for (therefore leading me to buy the jeans I can't afford). Sublimating desire in order to do the right thing is difficult--at best. I mean we wouldn't be at war spending 12 billion dollars a month for seven years if Bill Clinton had been able to sublimate his desire to stick a cigar up his intern's vagina. For a two year old to do it? Totally absurd.

Then I began to wonder how many times, a similar scenario was going to play out in Theo's childhood. I could just see Theo as a rage-filled teenager, locking himself in his room telling his parents how much he hates them at every turn. His parents misguidedly thinking it was just part of adolescence, not realizing there's a difference between kids hating their parents who don't understand them and kids HATING their parents who don't understand them because they never ever for one second really listened to them, never empathized with them never made them or made feel heard and understood. I could see the drug use. And the trips to therapy. Maybe Theo would grow up to use his anger "constructively" and become super successful and then his dad would see....even though he was no longer talking to him until recently when he heard he got cancer and figured it was time to reconcile.

Comments

[lunadove]

I had a similiar issue with my child. He was playing with a new ball, and my friend came over with her son. He wanted the ball too, so they played together. Then said boy wanted the ball for himself and BIT my son to get it. There were teeth marks. My son was crying in pain, th Mother laughed and said, "OH, just let him have the ball. I don't want to deal with him." in reference to his tantrums he throws when he doesn't get his way.
I told my son he didn't ever have to share with someone who wasn't being nice to him, and soon after ended the relationship with them, knowing this was only getting worse. They were about three then.
Some parents are so backwards. I have maintained that rule, and both of my sons are secure in having control over their domain and share at length with their most trusted friends.
It is also important to teach kids that certain things are valuable, either a special gift from a loved one, or something sentimental. There are certain things they should never have to share, I have things that I am more protective of as well. (Mostly crystals I collect, and meaningful gifts)

[drblack]

Good Post. Most of all parents let your kids have time to themselves and don't do everything for them.
To many adults in their early 20s still have their parents involved in their lives as if they are toddlers.
When I was akid I used to run around with the neighborhood kids and play games and walk in the woods and do all the kid stuff. Today everything is so organized. These children grow up with no initiative,low confidence and a lack of individuality.
The USA today is WAY safer than it was in the 70s. The Corporate media simply spews all the horror stories it can find and makes it SEEM more dangerous. Common sense yes...insane over protectiveness NO.
My college Professor friend says that the begging of college is like the start of Kindergarten these days.

[speakeasy]

While I agree that the issue could have been handled better, this writer shows the typical selfish American attitude in her rant. F this and F that, and everyone should agree with me. Sharing works in most situations and I'm sure when the tables are turned and your son is bigger than the other kids, he will take what he wants and I'm sure you'll sit back and talk on your cell phone as that lady did.
Sharing among friends always reaps future rewards, but not in your me, me and me world.

[bgregs]

However, we must also look at it from the standpoint of a young child. This other person, who they don't know, is simply taking their property, with no evidence of when (or even if) it will be given back. If I were told such a thing as an adult, I would resist as well.

Granted, a child DOES need to learn to share, but another child also needs to learn that some things aren't theirs to simply play with, especially when it belongs to the first child!

[khereva]

Let's see how that works when it's the PARENTS' turn to "share," i.e., comply with forcible theft.

I'm guessing that "they don't need to learn to share."

[Desiderata]

My neighbor just bought a new car. I wonder, if I took his keys out of his hand and took his car to work, if he'd mind.

Sharing: what a wonderful thing.

The mother of the bully best teach or son to ask or do the asking for him until he can speak for himself.

[bgregs]

Nah, she's more interested in her cell phone conversation than making her child obey the rules. I'm sure that she got tired of listening to her bully child cry when he didn't get things his way!

[knighthowl]

Frankly, I have trouble believing that this is a true story. It sounds more like fiction designed to make the writer's point. The points made are certainly valid, but if a parent truly behaved this way, he needs training in parenthood.

[bgregs]

"Bobby, you must learn to share"

"But mom!! I'm 16, and I PAID for this car myself!!"

"That's enough Bobby!! Share your car with this total stranger!"

[undeadbydawn]

indeed. Welcome to the glorious, idiotic and anti-intuitive world of Politically Correct Modern Parenting.

This involves doing what 'society' allegedly recommends instead of actually giving a shit about what your child wants or needs. While I think the above is a fairly extreme example of idiot father syndrome, it does perfectly illustrate the extent to which children have considerable less say in their own lives now than ever.

Odd, how common perception states that children are out of control. No, they are desperate to be *in* control. It is our colossal failure that they do turn to drink, drugs and violence just to make themselves heard.

[capitalismisntamoral]

Agreed that there is a great deal of strange behavior by parents these days.
By far, I think the worst epidemic is the - never say no to our kids/give them
everything they want, always - ridiculousness.

It's a pretty huge jump to imagine (hallucinate) the toddler as a future
teen drug user.

I would guess it's many times more likely in the scenario you describe that
the kid would be on prescription meds from childhood. Any once you get
on those, you never get off, right?

Seems to me that in previous generations which had old-school, stricter,
less 'sensitive' or possibly neglectful parenting, there was just as much
teenage drug and alcohol (ab)use.

So, old stupid parenting vs. new stupid parenting, you're still going to get
kids escaping from their problems/painful emotions via substances - or
just copying the behavior they see adults (using).