THE BLOG
01/03/2013 05:52 pm ET Updated Mar 05, 2013

An Open Letter to Congress

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Dear Sirs and Madams:

You are terrible. You're awful. You're horrible. You're horrendous and horrifying. You're godawful and atrocious. Hold on, let me grab my thesaurus... You're dreadful, ghastly, abominable, deplorable, disgusting and gross.

Are you getting this? No? Well, then, let me continue. You suck. You stink. You're the worst. You are an abysmal failure. You. Are. The. Pits. I could list all the ways that you have disappointed and enraged us over the past year or so, but I won't. For one thing, I have a word limit. For another, everyone knows. The degree of your failure is well-documented and historic.

You are, in fact, so bad, that you've become an adjective. Congressional: "To act infantile and obstinate; to reject common sense in favor of self-interest regardless of consequences. Wow. That's impressive... In the worst possible way. Congratulations. Your mothers must be so proud.

You have mothers, right? Is this how they taught you to treat people? Is this how they taught you to do a job? Do you think they're looking at you right now and thinking, "Atta boy/girl!" I know mine wouldn't be. Mine would be appalled. As well she should be.

I mean, what's wrong with you? If you were my child, I'd wonder if you were sick, hungry or tired. I'd wonder if you were seeking my attention or testing boundaries. If you were my teenager, I'd wonder if you were feeling peer pressure or experimenting with drugs or alcohol. I'd wonder if you were worried about getting into college or if I'd over-scheduled you. If I was your mother, I'd try to find a reason why.

But, the fact is, I'm not your mother (Thank God!). And, you're adults -- well, chronologically speaking -- so none of those things apply to you. You no longer get a pass. Sorry.

No, I'm starting to think that the reason you're acting so ridiculous is because you're just a bunch of jerks. A bunch of self-serving, egotistical, conceited, pompous, narcissistic jerks. I am fully convinced that you are a bunch of soulless, rotten cretins who deserve every word of this rant and then some for taking the lives of the living, breathing human beings who depend on you to act halfway human and turning them into pawns in the most perverse game of politics this side of Dante's 8th circle of hell.

Is that too harsh? Umm... no. I don't think it is. In fact, I actually don't think it's harsh enough.

Because, you see, all of your posing and pontificating and ranting and raving and self-righteous grandstanding affects my actual children. And the actual children of my friends. And the actual children of every good, solid, law-abiding parent in this country. It affects my friends who don't have kids. It affects my parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and co-workers. It affects all of us. In other words, in plain English, your bullshit rolls downhill... right down Capitol Hill and into the front yards of every citizen of this nation. And it's stinking the place up.

I would say you need to do better -- if I thought you were capable of it. But, at this point, I don't think you are. I think you're too far gone. You're too indebted to the PACs and the special interests and the extremists and the lobbyists and your own desperate ambitions. You are no longer "of the people" -- if you ever were in the first place. You've become a joke. You're an embarrassment to all of us. You need to go. Just turn out the lights, close the door, hop on a plane and go home.

You won't, of course. Because... well, because that's not who you are. You don't put us or the well-being of this country first. You don't. Stop trying to convince us otherwise. Just stop. We don't want to hear it anymore. We're tired. We're done.

So. Did I get my point across? Do you understand what I'm saying? I've tried to be very, very clear. And, maybe I've been too clear. Maybe you think I've said too much. But, no. I don't think so. Sadly, I think all of this is much less than you deserve.

Sincerely,

An American Mother