A Former "Bachelorette" Weighs In On "The Bachelor" Finale Of No Proposals

On Monday night, an old friend sent me a message asking if I'd watched the finale of The Bachelor and to find out what I thought about this season's star, Brad Womack, not choosing either woman in the end. To be honest, I haven't really kept up with the show (I was on The Bachelor in 2003 and was The Bachelorette in 2005) but I knew little things about Brad from reading magazines and seeing commercials (he was hyped as the "millionaire" Bachelor). But given that the show has almost always ended with some kind of relationship -- the one exception: when I turned down two proposals on The Bachelorette -- I was surprised to hear he had walked away a single man. And I was even more surprised by the fallout . . . or lack thereof.

In the two days after the finale, there haven't been many major headlines about the show. An MSNBC.com article critiqued the outcome, EW.com interviewed the show's creator (he's not happy), and the New York Daily News focused on how viewers felt they were duped by ABC, who promoted the finale as if Brad found his wife. However, the overall coverage has been nothing compared to the negative press I personally received after announcing I didn't want to be with any of the guys I met on the show. Brad faced some criticism from the female participants and host Chris Harrison on the "After the Final Rose" show on Tuesday night, but as of yet, I haven't seen much denouncing him as a jerk (or whatever the male equivalent of a bitch is) or proclaiming he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he'd be single forever. In other words, he's been treated a lot differently than I was when I decided to leave the show a single woman.

I'm not here to say "poor me." What I'd rather point out is how, when it comes to relationships and breakups, society treats women and men very differently. Look at celebrities like Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson: When they split with their husbands, they received the majority of the negative publicity. People asked what kind of fool was Jennifer that she'd let Brad Pitt go. Critics claimed she was selfish and career-driven and wouldn't give him the kids he wanted, and reasoned it was no wonder he dumped her. As for Jessica, she was deemed too bratty and too wild and other adjectives that explained why it "made sense" that Nick Lachey could no longer live with her. For the most part, the guys were blameless (even Pitt, whose close relationship with Angelina Jolie called his fidelity into question). Brad and Nick walked away from their marriages with their reputations in tact. In the public eye, they've been forgiven for whatever role they played in the breakups. The women, on the other hand, have been portrayed as "needy" or "pathetic." The public worries they'll be single forever -- as if that's worse than being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Die-hard Bachelor fans (not to mention ABC) may be mad at Brad Womack for wasting their time and not delivering a happy ending, but I can bet he won't be walking around with a stigma of being "too hard to please." That's what people think when a woman chooses not to be with a "perfect" guy -- as if good looks and money are all she needs. For some reason, it's more acceptable for a man to turn down a woman than it is for a woman to reject a man. There's a fear that she may never meet anyone again -- and then what will become of the poor thing?

No one seems to be concerned about Brad's future -- except, maybe, the women he didn't choose. On the Tuesday night show, they were still complaining that he didn't give them a chance, that they could have been happy together, and that his actions were unfair. What would have been more unfair is if Brad wasn't honest with himself - or them - and continued a relationship (let alone proposed) when he felt it wasn't right.

After 11 seasons of The Bachelor and three seasons of The Bachelorette, only two couples are still together. Maybe there hasn't been so much public backlash against Brad because, at this point, viewers have come to expect these romances will fail. But I give Brad a lot of credit for not playing into the fantasy the show creates. What's funny -- and what I learned the hard way -- is that it's difficult for people (and especially Bachelor viewers) to buy the idea that men and women don't always like each other. It's entirely possible to meet 25 beautiful women (or 25 handsome men) and not fall in love with any of them . . . in a matter of six weeks . . . in isolation . . . with cameras all around. It doesn't mean the person is too picky (nor does it mean they are gay -- a rumor Brad has had to shoot down), it just means they would rather be on their own than in a relationship with the wrong person. A sentiment I completely agree with.

So to answer my friend's question: When I wrote my book, Better Single Than Sorry, last year, my message was that women need to stand up for themselves - and each other - and tell the world that it's better to be single than in an unfulfilling relationship. I still believe that, and Brad showed us that notion applies to men, too. If we could truly started living this vision, maybe then society will realize there is nothing foolish about wanting to wait for the right person rather than making something work for the sake of being in a relationship. Or worse, for the sake of a TV show.

Comments

[eaglecapri]

I'm glad that you and Brad did not succumb to the pressures of the show and society. If we all chose partners with wisdom and maturity, I'm sure we would see a low divorce rate (not lower, but low). Instead, we - men and women - are pressured into marriage and therefore we sometimes marry for the wrong reasons and delusion ourselves that he (or she) is the one.

I agree that women take the brunt of the pressure - age, biological clock, fear (being alone, losing one's looks, being a freak), being in a long-term relationship (ie. We've been together for X years, therefore...), etc. Why can't a girl take her time?....or a guy! There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The lesson these women should take is the most important - he didn't waste or tie up their time so they can find someone who is sure of their affection for them. Their 'give them a chance' moments were part of their six week 'tryout'. Unfortunately, all bad behavior is revealed under intense conditions. He may have seen this and said, 'uh...no'! Or, he just wasn't feelin' them! In any case, they can now all move on.

[bac]

Everything about both the shows is ridiculous. It clearly demeans women, but the irony is that its the women that continue to watch and support it. Recently, I went to the dentist's office and my new dentist was a smart young woman who clearly knew what she was doing, and did a good job. While she was fixing my teeth, she was chatting to her assistant, and talking about how much she was looking forward to watching the "Bachelor" that evening! With such a demand from women of all stripes, you can be sure there will be many more episodes coming, with women continuing to watch, and complain about how it demeans them!

[Libsrule]

WOW, Bright, smart, and beautiful. A lot of men hate that. Personally I can't see trying to have a conversation with a beautiful woman who hasn't a clue as to the world around her, so whoever ends up as your partner is a lucky person.

I'm amazed at the reaction you talk about with regards to celebrity men and women.

With Jessica I sort of thought Nicky boy was just too self centered to want to compete with someone prettier than him. But let's be honest she seems about as bright as a refrigerator light bulb and how long can a killer body and face keep you occupied? I was pretty nuetral on that breakup.

With Jennifer I figured she was the one who had been the injured party and Brad was an ass, although I get the feeling that Angelina is the one who wears the strap-on in that family. Wouldn't be surprised to see several dog collars hanging in his closet. I thought Jen was in the right AND better off without him.

I loved your post, and I hope you come back with more observations on the differences between the sexes and how society sees and responds to them.

[eileenacanadian]

Hi there,
I actually sent People's magazine a letter congratulating you for your smarts to not feel pressured into marrying one of those guys. People printed my letter.

However, there was a big difference with you and Brad. Your face expressions and your body language made it known that you hadn't found the "one!" It came as no surprise that you were going solo. With Brad he was slobbering all over the women and encouraging them to tell him how madly in love they were for him. He played it up right up to the proposal. Then he went cold suddenly and couldn't even let them down gently. To me he was just loving being the play boy and wasn't there for the right reasons. He may have been there to make his bars more famous plus make his rounds with the women. You had way more class than that. If you read the message board for the Bachelor the postings are filled with anger at the Play Boy. Had he let the girls down gently I could have understood it but he was harshly cold.

[poindexter007]

PS: Since you've touched the topic of How our society treats a man and a woman - I believe that it's a whoe diffrent ball game it Ellen De Generes was a man, again- JMO

[poindexter007]

Nice article and I totally agree!

I especially liked your point of view about how our society treats a man and a woman, I think you hit the nail on the head precisely!

I think that it was great of him not to pick any woman in that show "Why dupe the whole viewership if it's just going to end up in the dump like most of the couples matched by the show". I think it's a testament of his character, besides it is a reality show right? so why pick someone if you really don't feel anything for that person...It might be a big loss for the network but as a REALITY show, it is a part of the gamble that they have to accept. - JMO ;o)

[apenny]

i don't think many people watch anymore and no one expects it to work out, it's just an opportunity to watch how silly women (usually) can be competing to win the heart of someone they just met. I don't think either of you should be congratulated on not following through with the fairy tale. What would have been really brave would have been to be honest about your feelings and stopped taping when you realized that the love thing just wasn't going to happen. Leading people on for the sake of entertainment is cruel.

[Dlynne14]

Right On Jen! The show is old and needs to go away.
There is still so much sexism in the world. That is what this show is all about. You were the smart one. You didn't fall for the whole trappings of money and fantasy love.
I would rather be single any day than be in a lifeless, loveless relationship.
Only when a person has self respect and self esteem can they truly be a in a postive partnership with another person.
I hope someday you find your partner in life, but until then YOU GO GIRL!