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Stop Trying to 'Fix' the Relationship

03/02/2015 06:25 pm ET | Updated May 02, 2015
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I used to be what I like to call a "Little Miss Fix-It."

Whenever there were problems with the guy I was dating at the time, I always tried to just "fix" everything on my own. I'd try to find some neat and easy way that would fix the problem and put us back together again.

Needless to say, this method didn't really work too well. In fact, it seemed that whenever it got to the point where I would try to "fix" problems, the relationship was already going downhill.

I just couldn't figure out how to keep these relationships together -- and I was so incredibly sad and, honestly, ashamed about that. Why was I always the only one who really tried to work things out? Why was I always the one putting work and effort into relationship issues, but the guy rarely reciprocated? All I ever wanted was to find peace, be together and simply love each other as we had both wanted to. Why did it always have to be so difficult?

This was a very difficult place to be in and, because of it, I would find myself struggling to really let go, heal and move on. I would feel like there was no closure. And it was as if that lack of closure was continuing to keep me stuck in this place of sadness, heartbreak and disappointment.

Fortunately, we don't have to be stuck in this state of sadness and feeling a lack of closure for months or years post-breakup. If we allow ourselves to be open to healing, letting go is very possible. Here's how:

1. Be really honest with yourself. Was the relationship really that good? Was he really that good to you? Was he really that supportive? Is it really realistic that you won't be able to find anyone better?

Sometimes after we break up with someone -- or even while we are dating someone -- we can tend to put them up on a pedestal. In other words, our minds can kind of imagine them to be better than they really are.

Here's a little hint: If he wasn't willing to work out problems with you, then he probably wasn't going to be that good for you in the long-term, anyway. Sure, there were good times, but it's how two people work through problems together that really defines the strength and stability of the relationship.

2. Accept your reality. We can recognize the reality for what it is all we want, but if we are not willing to fully accept that as the reality, then we are going to continue to struggle.

So, there are a number of things we may need to really focus on accepting: How they treated us, how they acted during conflicts, how supportive they were and so on. We may also need to accept the reality that we have broken up and that this person does not want to work things out.

3. Make the intention to let it go. Once you have been completely honest with yourself and chosen to accept your reality, just let it go. This can be easier said than done, but when we make a strong intention to do so, then it can happen.

To clarify, letting go does not necessarily mean that all of the heartbreak is going to magically go away overnight. However, making the intention to let go will give you the opportunity to heal.

So, once you have recognized and accepted the reality about this relationship, take a moment to set the intention for yourself to let go. You can do this simply by stating out loud, "[NAME] I release you," or you could make the statement and then do some kind of action, like light a candle, then meditate for a couple minutes.

Another alternative would be to write a letter to the person or a letter reflecting on your relationship with that person. In doing this, even though you may not have had the opportunity to say a verbal "goodbye," you are giving yourself the chance to give the person a goodbye energetically.

And you know what? That person may feel the "goodbye" and release even more that way than if you were to ever say it in person, anyway.

4. Trust and have faith. Even after we have let go of a past love, we can still be dealing with a series of painful emotions. Be easy on yourself. Trust and have faith that you will heal and things will get better.

5. Make you your #1 priority. Probably the most crucial step out of all of this is to focus on taking care of you. What do you do to take care of yourself on a regular basis? Do you meditate? Do you eat healthy? Do you exercise? What activities do you do that you love to do? Are you sleeping well?

If you are not doing these things already, look into how you can start doing these things for yourself. Be dedicated to becoming the master of your own self-care. Post-breakup is the absolute most crucial time to be your own best friend.

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Take action now!

If you've recently gone through a breakup, how have you not been completely honest with yourself about your ex? What are some realities that you need to accept? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

This blog was originally published on JenniferTwardowski.com

Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and teacher. She helps women worldwide create fulfilling relationships with both themselves and others so they can live happy and joyful lives. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation.

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