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Why the People We're Attracted to Don't Like Us Back

06/03/2015 02:52 pm ET | Updated Jun 03, 2016
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Have you ever been in a situation where you really liked someone, but they didn't like you back? Maybe you dated a couple times and you really wanted to continue dating, but they didn't. Or, maybe, you really liked the person, but they had no interest in going out with you ever.

I've been there more than enough times, and I'm sure you've been there as well. We've all dealt with this at some point or another (and, yes, I'm sure George Clooney and Brad Pitt have even dealt with this at least once at some stage in their lives). And, frankly, it really just flat out sucks.

We're in a place of really wanting to be with this person and give them all the love, care and compassion that we have to offer. We want to make this person the center of our universe and really show them just how amazing they truly are... but this person just doesn't want to be with us.

...and, honestly, I don't blame them.

Let's really sit back and think about this. Think about the last time (or a time that you remember very well) where you really liked someone and they didn't like you back. Maybe you dated them for a while and they decided to end things cause they just weren't quite "feeling it" or they made some excuse about being "too busy" with work or school or [insert any not fully reasonable excuse here]. How did you act when you were around them?

Were you confident? Were you comfortable? Were you really acting like yourself? Or, were you feeling nervous, insecure and unworthy? Were you trying to act like someone else rather than yourself?

More often than not, when we're really attracted to someone, but they don't like us nearly as much in return, it's because we are in that space of insecurity, neediness and unworthiness. We feel like we're not good enough and we're nervous about being rejected.

Now, let me be clear: It's not something that we need to beat ourselves up about. It's completely normal. If we really like somebody, then of course we are going to get nervous when around them, because getting rejected by them is going to hurt us so much more than if we get rejected by someone we don't like. It's only natural.

However, if we find ourselves constantly in this place of the other person breaking things off with us early on because they're just "not into you," then that's a problem that really needs to be fixed if we ever want to experience a healthy and loving relationship. We can't really experience love in our lives when we're bounded by feelings of fear on the inside.

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So, how can we shift from feelings of fear when around people we are attracted to and connect to love within so we can become a love magnet? Here are three steps to get you started:

1. Recognize the nature of your fear -- then let it go!What is it that are you are most afraid of experiencing when developing a relationship with someone you are attracted to? Are you nervous about the relationship eventually failing due to some heartbreaks in the past? Do you believe that you are not worthy of love? Do you believe you're incapable of having a healthy, loving and successful relationship? Are you terrified of being rejected? Are you simply expecting to be rejected?

It's a slightly different "flavor" for everyone, so it's important to identify what your patterns of fear are. Write down a list of how your fear manifests for you in the dating world on a sheet of paper or journal. This is critically important, because we can't heal and change something in our lives that we are not consciously aware of!

Once you've recognized the nature of your own fear, then simply make the intention to release that fear. This doesn't have to be complicated. All we really need is to have the desire to change.

2. Observe how you act around people who are attracted to you -- even when you're not attracted to them. Do you act more like you? Are you being your genuine self? Are you expressing your own unique thoughts and feelings without hesitation? Are you comfortable and at ease? Recognize how you behave around these people and write it down on a sheet of paper or journal.

3. Envision yourself acting the way you act when around people who are attracted to you. Close your eyes and in your mind's eye, envision yourself acting the way you act when around people who are attracted to you. See yourself feeling comfortable and confident. Envision yourself completely being your own genuine self and expressing your truth to those around you. Then, notice how you feel in your body while envisioning yourself acting this way. Are you hunched over or do you have a straight back? Do you feel energized and strong? Just notice.

This is a great activity to do if you're about ready to go on a date. The activity can be that before the date, you can take some time to envision yourself being confident and genuine while on the date. Also, if you have made the decision that you're ready for a new relationship, then do this envisioning activity at the beginning of every day to really shine your own inner truth and love to the world.

Take action now!

Let's do step one together: How do you experience fear in your romantic relationships? Share it in the comments below!

Jennifer is a self and relationship coach and the founder of JenniferTwardowski.com. Her mission is to help women tap into the love that they possess within themselves to create more loving relationships in their lives. Click here for her Free Self and Relationship Healing Meditation and weekly blog updates. To learn about how you can work with her, click here.

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