Honey, I Want to Sleep With Other People
Some people's inboxes are filled with spam. Mine is filled with questions. It's been that way ever since I began talking publicly about my open marriage. Unfortunately, the one I get the most frequently is one of the most difficult to answer.
Here's how the email usually goes:
Dear Jenny,
My husband/wife and I are interested in opening our marriage/relationship. I want to talk to him/her about it. But I don't know where to start. I'm afraid he/she will misunderstand and leave/be angry/be sad. What should I do?
Best,
(Fill-in-the-blank)
If you're in an honest, loving relationship, you should be able to talk to your partner about anything. That doesn't necessarily mean he or she will feel the same way about the topic as you. But they certainly should be willing to listen with understanding and without judgment.
That, of course, can be difficult when it comes to this subject, as some people believe that it isn't possible to be in love with more than one person at a time or to have sex with people outside of a primary, committed relationship. But it is possible. Maybe not for everyone. But there are lots of successful "alternative" relationships out there. And that should be an assurance to you both.
The trick is this: you have to be willing to bare your soul and accept that you don't have control over what your partner's response might be.
To finish reading "Honey, I Want to Sleep With Other People," visit my new forum on the Tango Magazine website.
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Polyamorous thoughts have certainly crossed my mind, but I get this feeling that if I follow that path then I would somehow pay for it one way or another down the road. To me, it's the equivalent of emotional sugar, and we all know how a body is affected by having too much sugar.
Oaths, vows, and fidelity are the treasures on which we spend our freedom; but once it is spent, a man lies to himself if he thinks he can freely or honestly choose again. So if mr-block is spent, or spends abroad, or the marriage is spent, what remains? Tis sometimes called the last inch- that integrity worth everything, but of which the spending buys precisely nothing.
All of those letters are about one thing: expressing honestly your feelings/ desires with your partner. And every serious committed relationship has an agreement--whether that's monogamy or not. I prefer honesty over monogamy. No one can replace me or you, and you love everyone differently. Sex isn't going to ruin that loyalty, as long as there's honesty. Monogamy should be an organic thing that happens out of pure choice, not contracts that restrict and lead to resentment. But everyone has their boundaries, and to each their own.
Some things are better not known. Sometimes it is best to respect your partner's right not to know as the "honesty" may be more painful than ignorance.
aofh, that's a cop out excuse for cheating. There are an awful lot of people who hugely resent their partner not just for having an affair, but for deciding for them whether they would want to know or not. It is disrespectful of their legitimate right to be informed about who else is playing a role in their intimate life.
True, there are people who clearly let their partner get away with cheating and choose to ignore it, but in that instance it's their choice to ignore it - no one is making it for them.
The only way undisclosed relationships on the side can work is if the one partner says "I want your permission to see other people," and the other partner expressly says "OK, you have my permission, but I don't want to know anything about it." It's called consent. This happens - we poly people call it a don't ask don't tell agreement. It's not optimal since it's a form of avoidance of emotions, and avoidance tends to blow up if something actually happens where they learn more than they want to know. It's also a lot easier to demonize the person their partner has an affair with if they never meet. Still, it's their choice, and the only way it can work if there is a clear, verbally stated, look-each-
This appears to be another one of those articles that is given prominence because it is "controversial" and will incite "reaction". Otherwise, you have to ask, "Why?"
Ah, gotta keep those eyeballs coming back.
Part Two
Some polyamory practitioners seem to believe they’re on some "higher" level of consciousness. They say non-practitioners should "grow up", "it’s natural." IMO they’re extremely selfish and fooling themselves.
The simple solution is to stay single. You can still have a primary relationship and be with others, but you haven't entered into marriage. Sure, we know marriage didn’t originate for love, but for group bonds, survival, and inheritance.
Now it’s supposed to be for love, commitment, fidelity, raising children with a sense of permanence, for sharing life together through the good and the bad, etc. Granted, there’s not much permanence or stability anymore and if two people are dissatisfied with each other for any reason, they get divorced and move on.
If divorce isn’t desirable, two people may decide they’ll both have the choice to get involved with others. That may work for them. What seems so ridiculous is thinking early in a marriage, or even before, that both partners will be free to indulge in any and all other degrees of sexual intimacy whenever there’s an attraction to another. That isn't any kind of higher calling, it’s a reversion to primitive times or aping other non-human animals.
JMO. Good luck.
NoSilly Name, staying single is not a simple solution at all. Most people - including we responsible non-monogamists - need and deserve love, commitment, fidelity, to raise our children with a sense of permanence, to share a life of togetherness through the good and the bad, etc., all just as you say.
People assume that it's impossible to make a commitment or share a serious bond with more than one person at a time. By that thinking, having more than one relationship must mean we aren't really committed, don't really love our partners, and/or that we are living a selfish, emotionally shallow life. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. In order for it to work, we actually have to be very giving, patient, committed and loving toward our partners and their partners. We can and do have it all, and there is nothing wrong with it so long as everyone involved is in agreement and everyone's feelings are being honored.
Regarding your comment about aping animals, sex is not a base, animalistic urge that must be tightly controlled and denied. There is nothing wrong with love and pleasure. It's good for us so long as you take precautions to avoid STIs, behave honestly and ethically, and the feelings of all involved are considered and treated with respect. Under such situations no one takes advantage of anyone, and animals have nothing to do with it. Ridiculous.
Fine if it works for you. Ms. Block's husband doesn't seem to share his wife's interests. Good for her if he's willing to put up with her predilections.
My biggest problem with Ms. Block is that she seems to have aneed to tell everyone about her lifestyle and is defensive about it. You also seem to need to justify or defend your choices, if the number of times I've seen your name on this and related posts is any indication. .
Hope she sells some books. Hope you and your non-monogamist lovers are happy and it all works out for you.
My points are still valid.
Part One
Sorry Jenny, I think your "lifestyle" choices shouldn't be a public matter. It seems from your last column, that your husband isn't really into this and is simply letting you have your fun because he loves you.
You and others who choose to live this way are in no way in the vanguard of some new sexual freedom brigade. Not only have there been organized communal groups who tried this throughout the ages, but I knew people who adopted this lifestyle in the '60s & '70s. It didn't work then and if your marriage survives this, I'll be surprised. Is your husband a eunuch? A cuckold? Or is the fuck-old?
People are always hurt, there are unplanned pregnancies and serious infections with few signs or symptoms. Or simply times when someone really needs your attention and you're otherwise engaged.
Jealousy is a natural response when affection or attention is diverted from any primary source to another. Children are envious of their siblings. That’s so common it has a name, Sibling Rivalry. My dogs & cats get upset when I'm paying attention to one over another.
Throw sexual intimacy into the mix and feelings are hurt, relationships destroyed, or worse. It can be a volatile situation.
I’m no prude. I’ve had many lovers, but I’ve never pledged myself to anyone.
I've known lots of couples in the lifestyle (swingers). Most of the married folks say it strengthens their marriage..
About the comments that it's dangerous, OF COURSE most swinging folks use condoms and if they don't, well, they're grownups. As for "why get married in the first place?," get married because you love and want to be with that person forever (well, relative speaking ;)).
Sex is just SEX, people, nothing to get all squirmy about. Some of us just like sex--a lot--and can't seem to get what we need from one person. I'd rather stick with one guy...but that one guy hasn't come along, so I'll keep doing what I'm doing until he does. BTW, I'm not married so many swingers say I can't call myself one of them. Whatever! Call me a hedonist then, lol.
Two caveats: (1) Yes, swinging is something that everyone involved should agree with. The lifestyle is not at all about being forced into something. (2) If you are married and you don't give emotional or physical affection (support) to your partner, don't get all hurt when he or she finds it elsewhere. YOU broke the vows first! By the same token, if you're getting it at home and want more--talk to your partner. If you can't agree, get a divorce, dammit. Sneaking around and lying aren't good for anyone.
Dim,
1) condoms are not 100% effective and are virtually useless when it comes to HPV.
2) HPV is undetectable most of the time. Oral sex on a person with HPV can cause infection in the mouth or throat causing oral cancer. Oral cancer is usually only discovered when there a lump or bump, perhaps mistaken for a canker sore, is biopsied leading to the cancer diagnosis.
Oral sex won't be much good when you've lost your lips or tongue or jaw. Eating food and speaking can also become quite troublesome without those vital parts.
Oral sex causing HPV leading to this type of cancer is a fairly recent discovery.
The new HPV vaccines may save you from cervical cancer, but a different strain causes oral cancer.
HPV is at epidemic levels. Most people have no idea that they've become infected.
Just something for you to consider as you "keep doing what you're doing".
Jeez, thanks for the scare tactics! HPV is not the horrible evil you make it out to be, it just is not. First of all, out of the numerous types of HPV, only two or three can actually lead to cervical cancer--and rarely at that.
My doc told me that pretty much anyone who's ever had unprotected sex in their life probably has HPV...and as someone who went to high school and college in the 70s, you can believe "unprotected" was the norm. HPV from oral sex??? My doc said nope.
So you can continue to wrap yourself in your little bubble to stay "clean" while I'm out enjoying my life as a real person.
But it does suck that men can't be tested.
People should be free to engage in whatever relationship they care to as long as both parties are adults, normal (I know its a relative term) and stable.
That being said, isn't polyamory very dangerous in this day and age? STD's run rampant, condoms are NOT 100% effective and most people lie about their sexual pasts whether they mean to or not. I would not be happy to show up with Chlamydia just because my boyfriend felt that he was entitled to sow his wild oats.
I am of the opinion that if you want to have an "open" relationship, don't get married. Marriage is about two people who want to commit to EACH OTHER, not to other people and each other.
Just say to your Spouse " how do you feel about me exposing you to STD'S does that really bother you" ?
90% of men don't know they can carry STD's that only really affect women and he never feels anything.
I think it's unfair to expect a lover to listen "with understanding and without judgement" if you tell them you want to sleep with other people Jealousy is a real, normal, natural human emotion. People who are honest about polyamory admit that they struggle with it.
If you have an honest, loving relationship, you probably already know how your partner will feel if you announce you want to sleep with others. You may want to talk to them anyway, but it's perfectly understandable if they are sad or angry.
When exactly do you spring the old "I want to bang our neighbor" talk on your spouse? On your wedding day, after a couple of days of being married, on your twentyfifth anniversery? Tell me exactly when this talk would go well? It would be perfectly understandable if your spouse booted your ass out the door never mind get sad or angry.
Why do these people get in relationships period if they just want to sleep around??? Just go out and have sex if that's what you want but can't they leave their partners out of it? I really don't get it.
Wow ... it's just four days since Jenny's last column on this self-same topic. Anyone would think she doesn't have anything else to write about, or that she was promoting a book ...
Methinks she doth protest too much. Numerous comments on her previous blogs point out that Jenny basically maneuvered her husband into accepting this situation by encouraging him to sleep with a friend of hers. She now says he "chooses" not to have sex with others, while she chooses to do so. Can't help feeling this is a singularly unbalanced situation -- wonder how long it's sustainable.
I also wonder whether Jenny can't keep quiet about this subject because, on some level, she herself doesn't feel comfortable with the situation. That's why she feels the need to constantly justify it to the outside world. Or it could just be that she wants to sell more copies of her book, whatever.
I'm glad you mentioned that because I realized I forgot to explain it here on HuffPo. Just like people are hired to write about gardening or cooking or parenting every week, I have been hired by Tango magazine to write about open relationships every week and HuffPo reprints pieces of those columns. Because of edit deadlines, sometimes they don't fall exactly one week apart. So many people wrote in with questions, we knew there were lots of people who were interested. I hope you'll tune in for my writing on other topics if this one isn't your proverbial cup of tea.
Wishing you all the best,
Jenny
No one doubted it was possible - people fall into this pattern all the time. Monogamy is a achievement, not a default. Of course it's not innate. However, breaking of vows, [and hearts, and heads..] is nothing to celebrate. It's a coincidental irony, of course, and a measure of the intellectual depth of the article, that 'honest', as in "I myself am but indiffferent honest", as she might well say, meant chaste.
There's a lot of research to support that monogamy is not necessarily an innate human behavior--marriage and the idea of more/less possessing another person was a societal construct. I do hope that if people love each other but are having these feelings, they'll talk about it. If more people become open to open relationships, perhaps the divorce rate will drop. But, then again, I'm very content at being single, so I guess I'm not one to give strong advice...
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