Mythical Monogamy? Why Honesty (In Relationships) Is Always The Best Policy
Just to set the record straight: I don't have a problem with monogamy. I don't think people in open relationships are more "evolved" than those in closed ones. I don't think open relationships are always honest and closed ones are always deceitful.
I believe in choice and acceptance.
I say this because it seems as if people who read my work think that I don't believe in monogamy. But it's not real monogamy that I have a problem with. The issue for me is that an overwhelming majority of people give lip service to the idea, but I'm not convinced that the people who claim to adhere to it actually do.
Regardless of the kind of relationship you have, dishonesty is bad. I think we can all agree on that.
People can be dishonest. And people do cheat. It is unfortunate that there are no hard statistics about adultery. Surveys and studies rely on people telling the truth and, obviously, cheating is something people lie about. I understand that anecdotal evidence is not scientific proof. But it is hard to ignore the signs I see all around me.
To finish reading "Mythical Monogamy" visit my open relationship forum "Open Up" on the Tango Magazine website.
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I totally disagree with Ms Block. Life is not that simple. There ARE times when it is better NOT TO CONFESS or be totally honest. People are not always in the same head space when it comes to their sexual needs and yet can be very much in love at the same time. Couples also go through cycles in their relationships where during one period they might need to be a little 'open' and another period where it's time to be more 'closed'. Human needs will not be denied within the individual. The real secret to a successful relationship is flexibility and that means each person being able to adjust. Fear based rigid rules around sex (aside perhaps safe sex) can be a relationship killer. It is far better for each person to arrive at their own conclusion to keep their sex exclusive without having their partner 'impose' such restrictions on them in the form of a demand. IMO a relationship that is too tightly bound is like the tree that snaps in the wind. For a relationship to be strong it must be able to bend with life's many powerful forces and sex is one of the biggest.
lol wtf?? No the the secret to successful relationship is honesty. What you're suggesting is a major reason why the divorce rate is this country is over 50%. You can try to justify that kind of deceit and dishonesty with your partner all you like but in the end it is what it is.
i can see where you both are coming from. on the one hand if a spouse asks if they look fat, and they do, do you say "yeah honey, you look like a heifer." or do you say something a little more tactful like "why don't you wear this dress, it looks fabulous on you."
admitting to a partner that you cheated is more a way of relieving some of the guilt you feel at what you've done. it doesn't do anything to help the person you cheated on, it in fact can be absolutely devastating to them. but you feel so much guilt that you feel compelled to assuage it by letting your partner in on it. if it is a one time thing and the guilt has taught you your lesson, learn from it , grow, and keep it to yourself. serial cheaters are a different story entirely. for them their partner deserves to know the snake they married so they can decide if they want to continue punishing themselves or not.
overall honesty is critical to a successful relationship. but sexual compatibility is also important, because when sexual needs aren't met within the relationship some people begin to search outside of the relationship. still others just suffer in silence because they feel it is better to be miserable and sexually frustrated with someone than to be alone.
i think the divorce rate is so high partially because people get married on a whim. they don't know the person they are marrying, and more importantly they don't really know themselves and what they really want out of life and a relationship. they pick the wrong people and get married for the wrong reasons. perhaps some time should be spent during our development, in the time when we first begin exploring romantic relationships (and no i'm not talking specifically about sex), to teach youth what is healthy in a relationship and what behavior is unacceptable from a partner. how to know if you are truly compatible with a person or whether it is just lust guiding you. what things are essential to making a marriage and/or family work and what things are deal-breakers (keeping in mind that different things break the deal for different people).
"Young men want to be faithful and are not. Old men want to be faithless and can not."
-Oscare Wilde
Honesty is good... up to a point. Being completely honest in a relationship is a recipe for exhaustive debate, fights and emotional distress. Sometimes it's okay to NOT be completely honest.
If I told my girlfriend that every day I would LOVE to have sex with strange women, she would be hurt, confused, and downright pissed off. Do I want to have sex with other women sometimes? Yes. Do I tell my girlfriend every time I feel the urge to fantasize about such a scenario? NO. Absolutely not. If she feels the same way, I don't really want to hear it either.
The way I look at it, you're not in a full relationship until at least a year of dating, and during those first few months it is completely okay to be dating and having sex with other people. Should you tell the people you're dating about the others? NO. Absolutely not. Honesty just makes things crappy for everyone. If the point of dating is to meet the person you want to share your life with (procreation, shared intimacy, etc) then it should be okay to hold back until you've found your match. I don't like to share too many intimate details about past relationships with my current girlfriend, because it's not fair to her. Why should she hear about my previous sex life? Heath issues should be mentioned if they are pertinent, but I'm not talking about promiscuity, I'm talking about intimacy! Filters are GOOD.
The problem is the way YOU look at it might not be how your partner looks at it. And if you get caught and that person turns out to BE the one, you've basically shot yourself in the foot.
I agree about past relationships but if you are datings someone and intimate withe them then you need to tell them when you have been intimate with someone else no questions asked. How would you like to find out that you're girlfriend had sex with three guys last week or maybe even earlier in the day. Wouldn't you want to know that for the sake of you're own health??? I can forgive if say my girlfirend one night out of the blue hooked up with someone and was protected, but there are some situations that it's not a matter of frogiveness it's a matter of health particualry if that peson is having unprotected or oral sex and absoultly if it is a regular thing. Can you imagine she comes to you one day and says she has herpes within week you do too. Or imagine if it were worse you know that the media doesnt popularize it as much but the AIDS virus does still exhist and I know more than one health care professional that will attest to that.
Let's all hope that we're better than the animals. I have more faith in humans than to refer to us simply as animals. If you can name a single other species that has reached our level of sophistication and civilization, then I will accept your parallels to the dogs, cats and pretty much any other animal out there. Until then, however, I'll stick with my view of a more advanced human nature.
Some intelligence shines trough! You know one other thing that I have come to believe is that more people should spend a long period of time single in their 20's like at least 3 yrs Go out dont date exclusivly be safe and have all the fun you want. I have know many people to do this and at some point you realize that sex is what you make it a body is a body and there is a whole lot more to a human being. Next step is to realize that a good relationship is all about compatibillity and how two people fit togther so by this point you hopefully have some good understanding of yourself and know what kind of person who compliments you best. In other words her strengths are you're weaknesses or vise versa. When you understand that you can find the right person as long as you are willing to love them for their flaws. In short find someone who makes up for you're shortcomings and who's flaws just make you just smile and realize that you provied that missing piece in their ife. If two people have this a third person need not apply but in lustful fantasy and there is nothing wrong with that..... In fact a partners fantasy is also important to talk about and undersatnd especially if you wanna turn them on for life.
I could eat pizza all the time and not have problem.
K-Dog76
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I could eat pizza all the time and not have problem.
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Ahhhhh To be young again... :D
Michale.....
Sorry, but I still have to bow to the genius of the immortal Sam Kennison's formula for a happy, successful relationship: LIE because if you screw up and tell the truth, you will pay for it, maybe not today, maybe not for weeks or even months, but your partner will eventually have their revenge. So never tell the truth when they ask you if you think they look fat, never admit that you could ever dream of being with anyone else, and never ever tell your partner the truth when they ask you if there is anything about them you would change if you could. Lie and be happy.;-)
Like the Arab philosopher said: "Is it TRUE? Is it NECESSARY? Is it KIND?" If an answer to a question doesn't pass this test, LIE! LIE! LIE!
THE BASICS:
1. The urge to reproduce is a powerful
instinct that is irrevocably imbedded
in each member of every species
to insure that the species survives.
2. In humans, the female who carries the
fetus finds her instinct is suppressed
until after the offspring is birthed.
3. The male who impregnates the female
does not lose his instinct to mate with
other females.
4. Cultural, religious and legal restraints
pressure the male not to mate with other
females so that he will stay with
female and her offspring and provide
food and shelter.
All the rest is entertaining lies we watch on
soap operas and read in gossip columns.
We are animals. Animals "procreate". It's necessary.
I disagree. Procreation is not necessary. Not psychologically or emotionally for all people. Certainly not necessary for the survival of the species.
You think people who view sex as recreation (interesting root for both words) are thinking about procreation?
The thing about marriage is that it's a promise to another soul to be faithful only to him or her. I fail to see how sleeping with others is fulfilling that promise. Not to mention the fact that what you describe is precisely the definition of adultery. It seems that the mistake is having been married in the first place. I don't have a problem with people who want many sexual partners. Just don't get married because what's the point if you actually love multiple people (whether in a homo- or heterosexual way). Marriage means that your partner doesn't have to share your love with others. All of your adoration, devotion and sexual urges are channeled toward your other half and no other person. I guess after reading this, I would ask the author the following 2 questions:
1. What is your definition of marriage?
2. What is the point of being married?
Being faithful has nothing to do with sex...
Being married has nothing to do with sex..
Anyone who gets married for sex usually finds out in a BIG hurry how wrong a reason that is...
Michale.....
Actually, marriage started out -- and primarily, still is -- a contractual obligation, involving "goods and chattels" and the provision for childcare.
Love and sex and all that are just secondary trappings added on by religion and Top 40 radio songs.
I think the author is spot on: whether you're monogamous or not, be honest.
Human relationships are complicated things, and affairs are human relationships. Usually there is a lot more than sex going on in an affair. Sometimes, there isn't any sex. I recently read a review of a book about a prominent scientist who carried on an affair with a colleague for fifty years and married her a couple of years after his wife died of a degenerative neurological disorder. During that time the colleague greatly influenced the work he established his reputation on. I am also reminded of a prominent politician from the early 20th century who had a 30+ year affair with his secretary even having a child (at her insistence but not officially recognized) with her. She was the ultimate "political wife" bringing interest to the relationship his legal wife did not have. No one knew.
Monogamy is idealistic and sets us up for an incredible failure. It demands that we be everything for someone else all of the time. Of course, over time aspects of that ideal are chipped away and for many people the sexual taboo is breached too. Breaches trigger self and relationship re-evaluation. The best relationship survive because the evaluation reaffirms what is core in the relationship.
What was that movie with Ellen Burnstyn and Alan Alda???
SAME TIME NEXT YEAR....
Ooops, I think I just dated myself... :D
Michale.....
STD's folks. Anyone here concerned about simply enjoying a long, healthy life? For better or worse, monogamy is a marker of longevity and a great way to stay free of AIDS and other STDs, which are multiplying and getting harder to treat. Just sayin'.....
- Tom
That is why we enjoy "playing" with couples we have know very very well...
Granted, it doesn't eliminate the risk, but it reduces it considerably..
Michale.....
Promiscuous people who use condoms are no more likely to contract STD's than monogamous people who don't (reason: not all "monogamous" people *are* -- a friend of mine got herpes from her cheating ex-husband, and many people who HAVE STD's -- the ex-husband in this picture -- don't know they have it (apparently 80-90% of the people with HSV-2, for instance, aren't aware they have it... and 20% of the population have it... do the math...)). If you use a good, reliable condom every single time, your chances of catching STD's become vanishingly small compared to the general population.
STD's are a real concern, but with proper precautions it becomes clear what role they really play in this debate: that of a bogeyman that the morality police use to try to "scare you straight."
Don't forget about oral/throat cancer from HPV. I doubt many people use condoms for oral sex.
very insightful and in touch. one of the basics of the foundation of a long heathy and happy life, and it seems the swingers and players have never heard of the idea. monogamy not only allows for the longevity and sustainability of the relationship (marriage) but as you have mentioned, our society. the throw backs from the 60s era, where drugs, reckless risky behavior, and a willingness to not care about consequences still plays a part of the lives of those who have no one to share exclusivity with. regrettable, because we have all the evidence we need to understand (HIV/AIDS) but human nature gives way to temptation, and following our unsophisticated hearts leads to consequences.
We forget that we have options and we forget how selfish we are at times . We also don't care what others think of us. IF THIS ISN'T SO...then why do we still have a moral problem and a high divorce rate? We often forget that when we love we give and when the other don't give just as much as the
other we hurt them. We have feelings and we only acknowledge the other when it benefits us. Lets
do better than this and lets give just as much as the other they deserve it because they gave us
love, attention and they gave us support. wether man or woman we need each other and we have
to realize that changes will be there til the day we die.
It's truly incredible how much of sex (all, perhaps) is just chemicals in the brain. I really wonder if everyone's personality and moral code is nothing more than this--chemistry. If that is the case, the best "match" in terms of coupling is that with the closest brain chemistry. Then, arguments like these will drift into the past, an arcane thing of fear and control.
Wasn't monogamy the first step in feminism? In may have had an undesired result, but I expect a lot of guys out there didn't come up with the idea that sex should only occur between two people.
I think it was to promote active involvement in fatherhood. Thankfully progressive feminism, including this article are undoing the whole argument again. Why be married or loyal when you can enjoy all the flavors. PLenty of Moms are coming and sayingf they don't want a father involved in raising their children anyway. So be it. Make sure women get equal pay so we can drop the whole paternity thing. Parenthood is now planned and strictly voluntary.
Time to get out and play!!!
You are absolutely Wrong K-Dog76...
Monogamy was thought up by Men.... Not Women!
Men did not want to have other sons and daughters under their care from somebody else's sperm.
Monogamy was so that men could have claim over their own property. Women and children being apart of that property.Carrying on their name and their sperms.
It is men who have created the Idea of Two Types Of Women along with Monogamy and the repression of womens own sexuality. Just look at Africa and the tribal practice of mutilation of womens genitals.
Men wanted their wives to be at home bearing their children and no body else's as they themselves spread their seeds to whomever.
There are millions upon millions of children born every year without Fathers!
I suggest you read the Book: Sex, Time and Power to get a better perspective. Fidelity is a farce created by men to Repress Women and keep them as 2nd citizens.
I don't have a problem with people who want to be non-monogamous & all that--I have lived that lifestyle & while it was exciting, it was also kind of a pain in the butt--but the "drop the whole paternity thing" is seriously messed up. As a single dad that makes me want to puke. Not all kids can have 2 parents, but that doesn't make it undesirable. Of course, it just occurred to me that you are being sarcastic. I hope that's the case.
Monogamy was set up by patriarchal societies to insure heirs were theirs. It was for purposes of handing down property. That's why there's all this stuff in the marriage vows about ''keeping oneself only for the other." We have birth control. If property's an issue we have DNA. It's a new time.
Sex is an appetite for a lot of people...total monogamy is like eating the same meal all the time..
it has nothing to do with being "unfaithful" or disloyal to the life partner. To a lot of people, a new partner brings the EXCITEMENT of variety. We still view sexuality between consenting adults in a very medieval way. The word 'cheating' says a lot...nobody owns anybody else. For a lot of people fidelity is a CHOICE whether you like it or not.
hollyo,
I could eat pizza all the time and not have problem.
The fact is monogamy doesn't fall apart for lack of variety so to speak, it goes bust when one of the parties becomes less involved in keeping the love alive.
Well said. An interesting point is that most people don't consider that you can be emotionally faithful to one person (because of shared experiences, similar tastes, similar sense of humor, etc.) while being sexually promiscuous.
It's odd how much our culture resists the simple fact that sex is not the same thing as love, and *that's okay*.
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