When I was 18, and I was hanging out with this rich kid. Kid, guy, whatever. He was in college; I was just about to start. My parents had bought a restaurant down the shore. It was a whole new town with A LOT of money and a brand new set of people. I didn't know anyone. I was introduced to the rich guy. He was very intelligent and handsome. His house was amazing. He had a boat. He was an only child with really nice parents. Everything about his life felt like a J.Crew ad. He was affectionate, but I really wondered if he was secretly gay. I can't explain it, I just got that vibe at times. But I wanted to be in his world anyway. It seemed perfect. Only downside: He would mention things about weight. He had no idea I was bulimic. I didn't feel good enough around him. I didn't think I was pretty enough either. Zero self-esteem basically. I faked through my smile.
One night when we were hanging out, we went to his friend's house. I kid you not, she was like Regina from the movie Mean Girls. Like you had to win her over, the opposite of my people pleaser self. I wanted to be a b*tch -- someone who didn't care, who didn't get hurt, who didn't feel everything like I did. She didn't seem to have an empathetic bone in her body. She was not thin. She had curves and owned who she was. It kind of hurt my brain. I hadn't met someone like her. She was showing my friend boudoir photos she gotten done. She looked like a goddess. She showed me a few. She was wearing a thong. I didn't even know you could get photos done like that back then. These were not Glamour shots like at the mall. Then, suddenly, she got all weird and said something like I couldn't see certain ones. It was like a dagger, sharp words, from this boss girl. I felt like big dork standing there. I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole. She proceeded to show us the bathrobe and nightgown she got, the bath spray, and I envied her rich girl things. We left and I never saw her again. I'm sure she owns a company by now or is married to a powerful man who she bosses around.
Thinking I could somehow harness her ballsy, sex appeal, I went to the mall in pursuit of her "stuff." I was seeking that fresh scents at Bath and Body works so I could use smell like the cool-mean-boss girl. I found it. I was closer to who I wanted to be. I went to Victoria's Secret and got the hunter green bathrobe and long plaid dainty nightgown. I was going to be so cool now. I cannot believe I did that. It's so sad. It was desperate. There would be more females I'd encounter who I would admire and want to be like. Nothing had changed with those cool girl things. I still didn't like myself. I actually hated myself. Shame, guilt and lots of inner pain fueled this.
I wouldn't like myself until my early 30s. I remember putting many women on a pedestal who had the life I wanted. In my 20s, those women looked like thin was so easy. Everything seemed easy. They seemed to have the secret or some magic that I didn't have. If only I could be like them, I'd be happy. Happiness could be bought it seemed like. Only until the Real Housewives shows came out, that myth seemed real. Nowadays, people look at celebs like gods and think their words are gold. People will get advice from famous people in magazines and on social media when they don't know what that person's life is behind the scenes. They may not be happy. That cool girl I tried to be like may not have been happy, but my goal was to be cool, not happy. Happiness is everything. What's the point of having anything if you aren't happy? Thank God, 20 years later, I own who I am and wouldn't want to be anyone else.
When I finally did figure out how to love myself after decades of not, I made it my mission to help women see their beauty, worthiness, and value. With my life coaching clients, I help them find their Mojo so they see that all women are goddesses. I also teach this daily on social media. I show how to be unapologetic about loving yourself. I'm seeing the message of self-love popping up everywhere. With more people loving themselves, you will have a kinder world as well. Ladies, you don't need to be a mean girl in order to be a strong, confident, and fierce woman. You can be nice and still have boundaries. We may be called a b*tch for speaking our minds, but who cares? I don't fear the judgment of others because their idea of me is theirs. I am authentic and real, which means I talk about feelings. It's way cooler to have feelings than feel like you have to be an airbrushed robot. Being yourself is freedom. Always go for that. It feels incredible.
P.S. After the rich guy, I dated a few guys after that who didn't think I was a goddess. Luckily a year later, I was madly in love with a guy who adored me we've been happily married for 18 years.
