Ah, "Momisms," those phrases we turn to for a short reprieve, to conceal criticism and maintain our sanity or simply because we have no clue what our child just said. We've all used them, so I thought I'd give you a handy decoder to translate what we say into what we REALLY mean.
Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it'll ruin it for the rest of us!
|Momism||What It Means|
|Let's play the quiet game.||Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.|
|I love the outfit you put together.||Please spill something on it before we leave the house.|
|Where did you hear that?||Your information is completely false.|
|One day you'll thank me.||Hopefully, you'll forget this ever happened.|
|Can mommy have some privacy in the bathroom?||Mommy needs a glass of wine.|
|Mommy needs a glass of wine.||Mommy needs a shot of tequila.|
|Do you think that's a good idea?||That's the worst idea EVER!|
|Uh-huh.||I have no earthly idea what you're talking about.|
|Wow, that's great sweetie!||I still have no idea what you just said, but you sounded excited, so I went with it.|
|Really? Really?||WTF is wrong with you?|
|Because I said so.||I'm losing this battle and this is my last resort (or I'm tired of explaining stuff).|
|You are the best.||Millennium mom-speak meaning anything from you really are the best to you are thoroughly average.|
|Just a sec. (See also: In a minute.)||I'm not stopping what I'm doing or moving from this position until you scream for me again.|
|Your forehead is as cold as ice.||Get up, Get dressed, Get the f*&^ to school.|
|Go ask Dad.||His turn to be the bad guy... mwa-ha-ha-ha.|
|The dog loves you the most.||I will guilt you into feeding/walking that dog.|
|Yes, you do sound like Beyoncé.||Please let my child have other talents.|
|I love you.||There is nothing on Earth I could love more!|
OK, print this and keep it in your purse for a quick reference in case you want to say something and don't know quite how to put it.
I know you have some doozies. What are your favorite Momisms?
Follow Jenny Isenman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/suburbanjungle