"Last quarter, Apple sold its 400 millionth iOS device. 'Today, we're taking it to the next level,' [Apple CEO Tim] Cook says."
--The New York Times
"We're so pleased to announce the introduction of the iMop 5, the fastest, thinnest mop on the market. We know this has been widely anticipated since photos were leaked on Washable.com -- leaks, we must add, that were easily and quickly absorbed using the power of the latest iMop. And now, in this room filled with half an inch of water, we are thrilled to present the next generation in mop technology.
"First of all, we want to talk about battery life, because we know previous versions of the iMop literally sopped up electrical power like a sponge. Not anymore. On one swipe against an electrical outlet, the iMop 5 will clean an infinite number of rooms and provide decades of uninterrupted wash time. WashTime, of course, is also the name of our social wetworking application, allowing you to connect with other iMop 5 users through mental telepathy and the conductive properties of water. In the iMop 5, we've upgraded the WashTime interface and further integrated it with the yarn strands at the base of the mop to avoid the all-too-common problem of tangling.
"Just as exciting, the iMop 5 is equipped with the very latest in chip technology. That's right -- the iMop 5 can pick up larger chips than ever before. Even the biggest crumbs from the tastiest chips are no match for the iMop 5. And, for iMop users who are tired of dropped particles and sluggish sweeping, we're proud to be adding a brand new set of threads that can grab even the toughest-to-load dirt and filth. The iMop 5 can support an industry-leading 100 megagrains of soil, sand, or dust per second. This is a huge jump in performance -- and without increasing the size of the handle mount.
"Speaking of handles, we heard your complaints about previous versions of the iMop, which forced you to buy unreliable and pricey accessories from just a few preferred suppliers. So, for the iMop 5, we've opened up the marketplace and are now partnering with nearly all of the world's major wood-handle manufacturers, including Splint, Oakia and AT&Tree.
"Even better, the added absorbency of the iMop 5 will be a thrill for the thousands of Frappe Makers selling their icy beverages through our iMop FrappStore. You can spill literally twice the amount of sticky, cold liquid on your floor and clean it up in the same amount of time with the new iMop 5.
"Finally, we'll be expanding the capabilities of our iMop voice assistant, Slurry. Through a quick and easy phone call to iMop headquarters (phone not included, though it's on the list of potential new features for the iMop 6), Slurry will be able to direct you to the easy-to-miss areas of your floor, and help talk you through the straightforward process of storing all of your mopped-up dirt in the Cloud. In fact, more than two-thirds of all U.S.-based dirt is now being stored in the Cloud, which may sound like a tragedy for air quality but is truly testament to the power of the iMop 5.
"The iMop 5 is also capable of sweeping up old, obsolete smart phones, and other electronic devices. We hope you're as excited as we are about the new iMop 5. It's available for only $199 if you sign a two-year contract to clean a stranger's house. Buckets sold separately."
Follow Jeremy Blachman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jeremyblachman