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Greetings, Friends

Posted: Updated:

Welcome, friends and lovers all
To the Newsverse Christmas ball
Hop a bus or Citibike
Grab a cab or hitch a hike
There'll be lots of caviar
The Rolling Stones, an open bar,
Pills and drugs, so get here pronto
Rob Ford is coming from Toronto.

Let us all, from both New Yorks,
Open bottles, pop the corks
On a pinot grigio
For Mayor Bill di Blasio
Twitter and its IPO
And Pope Jorge Bergoglio!
Let's inscribe upon papyrus
Greetings warm to Miley Cyrus!
Any minute she'll start twerking
And who's that in the corner lurking?
Is it David Frum, or Brooks?
Casting nervous sideways looks?
Want to party, fear to lose
Their neckties, glasses, jackets, shoes...
Or is it they can't bear to shed
Their stuffy fogey old-guy cred?
Come on fellas, take a break!
Join us in the Harlem Shake.
And welcome to our friendly circle
Edward Snowden, Angela Merkel--
We didn't get her Repondez
But, credit to the NSA,
We know she's coming anyway.
Set out a glass of milk and strudel
For Santa Claus's quick canoodle
With Megyn Kelly! These occasions
Have deep meaning to Caucasians,
Although, frankly, call me crazy
I think she's got her eye on Jay-Z.
The duck-call guy with the bushy beard
Wandered off and disappeared
Holding hands with Elton John.
Everybody, get it on!
Not one to let ill-feelings fester
John Boehner's having a sequester
Hiding in the darkest shadow
On a couch with Rachel Maddow.
So let us give much-needed love
To the folks at Healthcare-gov
And shower some Obamacare
On a lonely billionaire.