THE BLOG
10/29/2012 02:20 pm ET Updated Dec 29, 2012

From Thanking God to Mitt Romney's Money Shot

"THANK GOD."

"... Life is that gift from God. And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen." -- Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, (R-Ind.).

The Lord works in mysterious ways
Like flowers in the night that bloom.
And scans, with his all-seeing gaze,
Like ultrasound inside your womb.

And for you, as it was for Eve
Here's what he wants to see there:
If he picks you to conceive
A baby better be there.

No greater gift is there than life
A baby to remind you
Of when some stranger pulled a knife
As he came up behind you.

And maybe you had other plans.
Well, listen to the burning bush.
God's purposes align with man's.
So woman, just shut up and push.


"THE YOM-KIPPUR PLAN"

"I am asking you to join me and my family on Sunday Sept. 30 by fasting and praying for Mitt Romney. That he will be blessed in the debates, which will be held Oct. 3rd. ... I know that fasting and praying brings about miracles." -- an email circulating among Mormons in several Western states.

When the pendulum is swinging and it's aimed right at your head
When commentators turn away and give you up for dead
When you think you should have maybe gone to dental school instead
Get down on your knees and pray and fast.

When you're losing in Ohio here's a tip you might find handy
It's a lesson drawn directly from God's modus operandi
He'll give you what you ask for if you starve yourself like Gandhi
Or mystics in the dim and distant past.

If Gallup says it's time to curl up in a ball and die
Remember that the only Poll that counts is in the Sky.
And we've converted all the dead to Mormons, which is why
It doesn't matter if we're running last.

We're blanketing the airwaves with a massive prayer attack
You can't turn off commercials from the Lord's own Super PAC
So any day now you will see Mitt Romney bouncing back.
We'll get the vote that God alone can cast.


"DINING WITH THE DONALD"

"Dine With The Donald and Mitt: Donate $3 and you are entered for a chance to win" -- fundraising pitch from Mittromney.com

.

Party like a one-percenter!
Whoop it up with Donald Trump!
It only costs three bucks to enter
The GOP of Forrest Gump!

It's a ticket that'll get you
Right out of your crummy lives.
Donald says he'd even let you
Date one of his former wives.

Tired of a life of losing?
Every paranoid flat-earther
Can have his 15 minutes schmoozing
With the billionairoid birther.

And that's not all! The winner's going
To be driven, pushed or tugged
To a special private showing
With Ron Paul of Atlas Shrugged

And you remember Governor Perry:
For a modest contribution
You can join him and make merry
At his state's next execution.

Followed by a day of shooting
With Dick Cheney at a quail
And join the bankers in their looting
And never have to go to jail.


"MITT ROMNEY'S MONEY SHOT"

"I'm very looking forward to a Republican being back in office. When you're rich, you want a Republican in office." -- porn film star Jenna Jameson, endorsing Mitt Romney.

Rich people, united, will never be defeated!
Shout it from the country clubs, broadcast and retweet it!
Even if you made your money lying on your ass
You're not in bed with Democrats, you won't betray your class.
Does the government get credit for the way you shake your booty?
Should every little money shot be subject to a duty?
Someone had to build those breasts, to make them perk and stand out
It wasn't any bureaucrat, it didn't take a handout.
You're a job creator in your -- ahem -- private sector
And you don't want to give it up to any tax collector.
And you earned every dollar on your knees or on your rump
And so you take your stand today, alongside Donald Trump.


"MR. ROMNEY'S NEIGHBORHOOD"

"Mr. Romney and his wife take regular walks around La Jolla, exchanging pleasantries with fellow strollers and occasionally enforcing the law. A young man in town recalled that Mr. Romney confronted him as he smoked marijuana and drank on the beach last summer, demanding that he stop." -- The New York Times, on Mitt Romney's beachfront house in California.

I love the sight of ocean foam
And if I had my druthers
Here's the place that I'd call home
Along with several others.

Here far from the hoi polloi, a
Man can stretch out and relax
With our own kind in La Jolla
Ann can park her Cadillacs.

To our neighbors--this means you,
The guy with the tattoo. It
Cost us plenty for this view
So kindly don't walk through it.

And I assume you'll all adhere
To the law that bans
Smoking pot or drinking beer
Leaving lids off garbage cans

Playing music after dark
Leaving litter on the sand
Riding skateboards in the park
Or same-sex couples holding hands.

And as for all those lovely boys
Who rake and mow and clean yards
Let me recommend the joys
Of checking them for green cards.

Now I'm known for creating jobs
Through private-sector voodoo.
So here's one for you lazy slobs:
Pick up your dogs' doo-doo.

In fact for dogs it's not that hard
And I am living proof
To keep them tied up in your yard
Or on your station-wagon roof.