Oil and Coal Companies to Begin Huge Scuba Giveaway

After years of climate change denial, a consortium of energy industry giants led by ExxonMobil and Massey Energy are launching a global campaign to provide island nations with equipment to combat rising sea levels. As early as today, military cargo planes will begin distribution of free scuba gear to the residents free of charge. Many small islands threatened by rising oceans breathed a sigh of relief and long lines were forming at landing strips awaiting the arrival of planes laden with goodies.

This dramatic reversal is attributed to the collapse of the COP15 Climate talks in Copenhagen which were considered a last chance to address global greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions before planetary climate tipping points are reached.

Tuvalu - Photograph by Peter Bennetts/Getty Images

Exxon Mobil Corp. is funding the program with monies which had previously been committed to misinformation campaigns and lobbying efforts designed to prevent global treaties on climate-related issues. A spokesman said, "We feel people can now burn as much carbon-based fuel as they desire -- there's no stopping climate chaos at this point so burn it if you've got it." Not only is ExxonMobil leading the way with humanitarian relief efforts, they are initiating a global program to provide six-months free fuel to anyone who purchases a car or truck which gets less than 20 miles to the gallon.

A senior executive with Massey Energy who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "Don Blankenship (CEO) feels personally responsible and as always is a leader in mitigating human suffering and protecting the global ecosystem." Whereas ExxonMobil is providing Scuba tanks and regulators, Massey will provide buoyancy vests, masks, snorkels, and fins. Furthermore, Massey Energy has committed to ending all Mountain Top Removal Mining operations in the great Appalachian mountains immediately and relocating to the Rockies, welcome news to residents of Appalachia. "Colorado needs more flat land for industrial development and we're going to give it to them," Massey's spokesman declared triumphantly.

Upon hearing of these remarkable developments, Bo Webb, a fourth-generation resident of Coal River Valley whose home was buried under ash and rock last year in West Virginia, said, "You know I always knew Don had a soft heart under all the rubble. It really restores my faith in humanity."
Dr. James Hansen, one of the foremost climate scientists in the world, who was arrested with Daryl Hannah and 30 others last spring at Marsh Fork Elementary School protesting Massey's continued toxic operations adjacent to the children, was obviously elated and said, "Better late than never."

Another long-time local in West Virginia said, "I knew it was only a matter of time before Don came around, he's a pretty bright guy you know."

Daryl Hannah is helping distribute the scuba gear on the tiny remote island of Tuvalu and could not be reached for comment.

Daryl Hannah & Dr. James Hansen at Marsh Fork Elementary

Support the United Nations COP15 Treaty Conference in Copenhagen this December and 350.org. For MTR information go to The Alliance for Appalachia and Rainforest Action Network. Time is running out and that's no joke.

 

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Comments

[JShep]

One interesting fact about these low lying islands. Most are made up of coral, which only grows under water. So, at some time in the past, the entire island was under water. Are we just seeing the inevitable cycle of climate over the long term?

[Jerry Cope - Huffpost Blogger]

No, there is nothing natural or cyclical about anthropogenic climate change. We have now raised CO2 levels to 390PPM and the consequences are becoming more apparent in terms of global heating effects every hour every day. And these effects are almost entirely undesirable for humans and many other organisms which have helped maintain a stable planetary climate system. The science could not be more conclusive, if we do not rapidly reduce our GHG emissions there will be no way to reverse the consequences for well over a 1000 years. Susan Solomon and the NOAA team in Boulder conclusively proved the oceans retain the additional heat for at least that long - possibly much longer. The brilliant minds who suggest we continue with business as usual (flat-earthers) are playing a planetary game of Russian Roulette with five loaded chambers and billions of lives.
What we do know now is that sophisticated climate models are being proven accurate in predictive value as the IPCC Synthesis report from the emergency meeting in Copenhagen this spring to append the 2007 IPCC findings. The good news is that the IPCC projections from 2005 data were accurate in their worst case scenarios so the models are indeed valid. The bad news is that in some cases they underestimated the rapid environmental heating by a factor of 2. The world's oceans are heating twice as fast as the worst case models from 2007 indicated. And water expands when heated.

[Jerry Cope - Huffpost Blogger]

Most definitely satire.....and yes, they are all heart...

[aprilfresh]

Gee, scuba gear vs. lifejackets... they're all heart. Massey destroys Appalachia and now they're "coming around" by moving onto the Rockies? Really? I mean, shouldn't Don's "soft heart" be working on a technology that mines old roads (or, say, renewable resources) for concrete, instead of our purple mountain majesty? Just how much flat land does Colorado really need?

Was this post a satire? Because I can't really believe you're serious about these efforts being humanitarian. It's like reading about GM executives saving the planet by recycling soda bottles even as they produce cars that get 16 mpg...