Fun with Republicans, Part One: Role-Playing

Not to brag, but back in my college days, in the misty 7'0s, I helped subsidize my time at Columbia by penning fake sex letters for Penthouse magazine. A staple of erotic fantasies, even then, was the ever popular practice of "role playing". Which I mention now because of the new heights to which our Republican friends have recently taken it. Consider the latest practitioner, Larry "Peek-a-Boo" Craig, the gay-bashing senator from the good state of Idaho. According to testimony from UC Dave Karsnia (that's undercover cop, for you non-TV writers) the Senator peeped through the crack in the stall door, then slid his foot underneath the door and rubbed it against the side of the police officer's. Can you spell HOT! In his defense, Craig claimed he simply took a 'wide stance' while peeing, and wrote the whole thing off as a 'he said/he said' thing. Cause hey, stuff happens!

If I were penning Craig's little adventure, I might have entitled it "Toilet Peepin' Turns Me On!" And I'd have worked the whole "hide-and-seek' angle. Of course, I didn't write gay sex letters, but then -- Craig's not gay. Just ask him. Also not gay is right-living Republican Florida representative Bob Allen, victim of a recent men's room kerfuffle at a public park in Titusville, in the shadow of the nearby Space Center. Apparently, before propositioning the plainclothes policeman, Representative Bob was simply trying to A. avoid lightning or B. dodge a passel of stocky black men who wanted to rob him. (I don't know about you, but when I think I'm going to be robbed in a men's room, my first response is to find a white man and offer him $20 to get in my car and have oral sex.) Thank God, with all the crime around, places like Idaho and Florida still have the funds to pay law enforcement to keep men's room safe from Republican officials! Then again -- if I may doff my ex-Penthouse Forum hat -- it's clear that all Rep. Allen wanted to do was role play "Damsel In Distress," and find a White Knight to protect him from the twin threats of lighting and weight-challenged African American fellows. It's not easy making dreams come true.

After Ted Haggard, Mark Foley, and a Palm Springs pool party of other stalwart Republicans I'm probably forgetting, it's easy to surmise that the overriding role-playing fantasy enacted by our Republican friends is simple heterosexuality -- that these Christian Soldiers are in the lifestyle 24/7, playing "Straight Dad" and "Family Guy" to spice up the Man-on-Man Action that really make their flags wave. But, damn it, that's too easy. No, we have to leave room for men like Neal Horsley, the right wing extremist and anti-abortion devotee who famously told Alan Colmes, "When you grow up in a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

I never used mule-sex in my '70s Penthouse missives -- and notice, by God, that it was hetero mule-sex! -- but then, those were innocent times. Who could have guessed that, three decades down the road, George Bush Junior would be president, making Christian morality the cornerstone of his administration, and offering the chance for a generation of penis-craving Republican Heavies to live out their fantasies of being straight, moral and righteously indignant at the rest of us liberal degenerates.

Comments

[rmreddicks]

But was it a John Mule or a Molly mule? Could make all the difference in republican circles of jerks.

[davedave]

actually it all makes a kind of sense.

this guy has balls. balls as big as the idaho sky and wide as the rockies!

if he expects us to buy both his guilty plea and then his claim of innocence, he has lots of balls!

that would of course explain his "wide stance"....

d

[antisprawlactivist]

Hilarious and brilliant writing. The best on the day's blog! I wish I could write more like that!

[KHANDARA]

it was freud (i think) who observed that 'repression leads to perversion' and by extention 'sexual repression leads to sexual perversion'

these hypocritical, rethuglican mansmokers are the product of their own misplaced efforts to repress everybody's sexuality but their own

[indypete]

Is anybody else getting numb from the hypocracy on the repubs?

[Steve Real]

The next time i hear
"hard on crime"
i'll know they're "cruising"
for something a lot harder.

Larry Craig has been smoking pole for years.
Years man!

i don't care
he should just come out and admit it.

[Bagacay]

I'm an American living in the Philippines. Seems strange, but a country that has no divorce seems to have little homophobia. When it is mentioned that someone is gay, it's in the same off hand way as if he or she is left handed.

[nypoet22]

maybe that's why those mega-conservative types are always trying to curtail other people's sexual and reproductive freedom, because they're having such a difficult time trying to control the guilt and shame they feel over their own sexual habits. i say they should get over themselves, (pardon my french but) screw each other silly and leave the rest of us alone.

[WILLJLA]

Yes as noted- gay men no longer cruise tea-rooms / restrooms any more, they dont need to - but the closet cases do, so sick and sad. I as a gay man hate it when nature calls and some married weirdo thinks the bathroom stall is some hot place for action - i need a dinner date and a nice walk on the beach and then its still a maybe thing!!!!!!!!

[andiammisterbones]

I'm starting to think that the Log Cabin wing of the GOP is a lot bigger than they tell us.

[mommadona]

It isn't a WING, it's the whole damn thing.
"Some" are more equal than others.

It's gonna be a saaaaaaaad time
at the Bohemian Grove this year.

[darker]

Craig?
Don't ask, don't tell?
Oh, go to hell.
He's just another Republican
"family values" blow-job.

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

A mouthful of controversy? Oh, he wanted a mouthful, but not of controversy.

Isn't it just amazing that a sitting US Senator thought he could waltz into a t-room, pick up someone, have sex with them IN THE STALL and walk away unscathed?

And then gets indignant about it when the excrement hits the oscillating unit. Amazing.

[seanID22]

Fun as it is to see hypocrites unmasked and reveal once again conservatives' puerile obsession with sex as a reflection of their own stilted, repressed desires... I'm quite sick of these closet cases embarrassing gay people everwhere with their positively 1970s adventures in restrooms, or hitting on underage heterosexual interns; then laying the blame on previous molestation or alcoholism in order to reinforce still more canards about homosexuality.

The conduct of these closet queens is no more a reflection upon openly gay people than Nicole Ritchie's behavior is a reflection upon black people.

[starrianna]

Well, that's exactly the problem.

People who are gay and also screwed up in the head feel that they are SOOOOOO dirty and nasty and crazy and perverted for feeling that way...

So they try to repress it, but unfortunately like a bad movie it builds and builds and builds...

Until one day they rape and murder the paper boy, or run completely naked into the street, or abduct an intern, or something else that is completely crazy because they have made themselves crazy instead of accepting their own feelings.

To me, that is the definition of insanity. And to then fight constantly to deny others the rights to their own feelings, just because they are denying themselves theirs? Twisted and selfish and crazy.

[midwestvoter]

There's an awful lot of republicans with a mouthfull of controversy these days....Karma?

[mommadona]

Absolutely.

They are all bound by their words.
More than they know.
So far, so good.

[joebaggadonuts]

Jerry, you said, "...that these Christian Soldiers are in the lifestyle 24/7, playing "Straight Dad" and "Family Guy" to spice up the Man-on-Man Action that really make their flags wave. But, damn it, that's too easy."

Seems too easy, but I think you are on to something. Occam's razor and all that. The shoe fits, does it not?

Thanks for the insight.