I may not be British, even though my favorite breakfast cereal is Cheerios, but for the past three decades, I have kept a stiff upper lip. Now, after all these years of hair-raising adventure, I am celebrating the 30th anniversary of my mustache.

I had never thought to grow one...

I don't want to bore you with tales of my marital exploits, although I don't see why this column should be different from any other one, but my wife, Sue, and I are anything but boring. In 31 years of wedded bliss, we have led the most exciting lives that...

At the risk of being sued by Popeye, I am what I am. Unfortunately, what I am can't be printed in a family newspaper. I don't even know who I am anymore. That's because my identity was recently stolen.

I never thought this would happen because you'd have to be...

Call me Ishmael. Call me captain. But don't call me seasick.

That's more than I could say for most of the 80 people -- including my wife, Sue -- who recently went out on a boat to watch whales but instead, in a stunning display of mass disgorgement...

Aside from fame, fortune and talent, Ben Stiller has nothing on me. That's because I recently spent a day at the museum.

Yes, it was the American Museum of Natural History in New York City, the site of Stiller's 2006 box office hit, Night at the Museum. I...

My favorite Latin phrase, which must have been translated improperly when I was in high school, is "Veni, vidi, vino." It means, "I came, I saw, I drank a lot of wine."

That is what I have been saying since I introduced my very own merlot. Actually, the wine...

Jerry, Jerry, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? Not too badly considering I am more of a vegetable than anything I've planted this year.

Actually, the little patch of earth on the side of the house is the first garden I have ever had. My wife, Sue,...

Because I have more gray matter on the outside of my head than I do on the inside, I am often asked why I don't dye my hair. "I do," I always respond. "I dye it gray so I'll seem more mature." To which people invariably say, "It's not...

When the moon hits the sky like a big pizza pie, that's a mess. Or it would have been if I had tried to make my own pizza without the help of a pair of professionals who recently had me rolling in dough while creating a thin-crust pie that...

No man who has a cat can ever claim to be king of his castle. (No man who has a wife and children can ever make that claim, either, but that's another story.)

I found this out in 1989, when my wife, Sue, and I moved with our...

If my wife and I wanted to have an impact on the people around us, we would teach a crash course in driver's education. That's because we have been in three crashes caused by people who had an impact on us.

The first mishap occurred about a...

Even though I have a feminine side, which I'm usually sitting on, I am proud to say that I'm the very model of the modern, middle-age man. In fact, I am so secure in my masculinity that I recently helped get a fundraiser off on the right foot, followed by...

As a dedicated couch potato who would eat potatoes on the couch if my wife would let me, I firmly believe that exercise can kill you. After decades of being ridiculously sedentary, I still have not only my boyish figure but, on most mornings, a pulse.

Lately,...

In "Duck Soup," the Marx Brothers' 1933 war satire, Groucho is reading an important document when he says to Zeppo, "A 4-year-old child could understand this." Zeppo nods in agreement, at which point Groucho adds, "Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail...

In these challenging economic times, when a middle-class guy like myself can't get a federal bailout or an AIG bonus, even though my tax dollars are helping to pay for it all, it's nice to know that there are some people who are willing to give me lots of money.

As a columnist whose work has no redeeming social value, which has no doubt contributed to the decline of the newspaper industry, I knew it was only a matter of time before my journalistic crimes landed me in jail. I just didn't think I would end up on Rikers Island.

By Jerry Zezima

I have always been interested in current events except when it comes to electrical work. That's because I am afraid a current will zap me in the event I tried to perform some mundane task like replacing a fuse, in which case I would either be...

Now that I have reached 55, which means I am only 10 years from retirement, although at this rate I will be working posthumously, I realize how much I have in common with the highway speed limit: Nobody obeys either one of us.

Nonetheless, I have reason...

One of the sad realizations of my life, which has been complicated beyond endurance by an electronic conspiracy that threatens what little is left of my sanity, is that I will never be a winner on my favorite game show, "Million Dollar Password." Even if you paid me a million...

Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President:

Congratulations on your inauguration. It was a defining moment in American history, but you must realize that as you enter the White House, you will be faced with many challenges,...