Jerry Zezima

As a motorist who has been driving (people crazy) for four decades, I am used to sitting in traffic for hours at a time. But I didn't think I would have to sit for part of two days when I went to renew my registration at the DMV, which stands...

How much wood could a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck wood?

Only a birdbrain would ask that question. So it should come as no surprise that it has been on my mind. It also should come as no surprise that my mind is in the gutter. This explains...

Spring has sprung, and a young man's thoughts turn to love. Unfortunately, a middle-age man's thoughts turn to yard work, which he doesn't love. That's especially true in my case. The situation is so bad that I would put a "Keep Off the Grass" sign on my front lawn, but...

It was an offer I couldn't refuse: Report to jury duty for a mob trial or wake up next to a horse's head. My wife, Sue, who wakes up every morning next to the other end of a horse, said it would be safer to do my civic duty than...

I've never had breakfast at Tiffany's, but I have had breakfast at Zezima's. And I can tell you from personal experience -- because I'm the one who has made breakfast -- that my eggs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

That's why I recently went to...

I am not a lawyer, although I have been admitted to many bars, but at the risk of being sentenced to life in prison for felonious stupidity, I decided to represent myself recently when I went to traffic court to fight a parking ticket.

I got it when I drove...

As a man with his finger on the pulse of America, which could get me into legal trouble, I am happy to report that I still have a pulse after surviving an infected finger.

The trouble was caused by a hangnail that developed into paronychia, a bacterial hand infection that...

If the shoe fits, wear it. Then wear the other one because otherwise you would have to hop around on one foot and you'd end up spraining an ankle. That's why I was reluctant to hop to it recently when my wife, Sue, a world-class bargain hunter, took me out...

In my 36 years in journalism, I have never believed that you shouldn't let the facts stand in the way of a good story. But I do believe that the bare facts can make for the best stories.

That was reinforced recently when a couple of appliance deliverymen...

As a man who has been perpetrating snow jobs for more than half a century, I can say with authority that there is a simple reason why the Northeast has not yet been hit with a blizzard this winter: I had my snow blower tuned up.

Because I have brain...

Even though I was recently edged out by Hollywood hunk Bradley Cooper as People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, I am proud to say that, for a guy with an AARP card, I still have a boyish figure. So I wasn't surprised when a personal trainer said that I have more...

Whenever people admire my thick head of wild and crazy hair and ask how I keep it looking that way, I tell them I stick my tongue in an electrical outlet. That's why I was shocked recently when a fuse blew on what turned out to be a bad hair...

Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have once again decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas...

Get-rich-quick schemes are a dime a dozen, which means you'd have to have dozens of them to get rich.

But my wife, Sue, and I recently came up with a get-poor-quick scheme: We had a tag sale. There were plenty of tags but not many sales. To make matters...

On behalf of Prince William, an heir to the throne of the House of Windsor, which is in Buckingham Palace, and myself, an heir to the throne of the House of Zezima, which is in an upstairs bathroom, I am happy to announce that the centuries-old feud between our two...

If life begins at 40, I am 17 years old, which was exactly my age when I graduated from high school 40 years ago.

This was the belated math lesson I learned recently when my wife, Sue, and I attended our 40th high school reunion.

We are both proud members...

For centuries, nature lovers and people with too much time on their hands have asked a perplexing and frankly ridiculous question: if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, will there be a sound? For weeks, I had asked an even dumber question:...

I had always thought that my garage was the stuff of legend because it's stuffed with stuff, most of which isn't my stuff but my daughters' stuff. It has been accumulating since they left the nest, which supposedly is empty because they don't live at home anymore but really...

I am not a highbrow kind of guy because, unfortunately, I am afraid of heights. So today I am going to wax poetic, nostalgic and, most important, analgesic about being lowbrow. That's because I recently, for the first time, got my eyebrow waxed.

Before undergoing this increasingly...

I am not one to couch my comments, so I will come right out and say that I would be a couch potato if my wife, Sue, let me eat potatoes on the couch. Sadly, I can no longer eat, sleep, drink beer, watch football, get thrown up on by...