Love and Marriage

Now that my wife and I have been married for 30 years, family and friends have suggested that for putting up with me for so long, Sue deserves to be the first living person canonized by the Catholic Church. I, they add, deserve to be shot from a cannon.

What is the secret of our long and happy marriage? The answer, according to researchers at the University of Michigan, is that we get on each other's nerves.

In a recent study, the researchers found that as a couple ages, a lifetime of closeness rubs up a rash of irritations. Participants in the study, which was presented at the Gerontological Society of America, were asked who in their lives -- spouse, children or friends -- "gets on my nerves" or "makes too many demands on me." The older the couple, the more likely the answer was "spouse."

But, strangely enough, rubbing each other the wrong way may be the right way to conduct a marriage. One of the reasons that couples quarrel is that they are closer and more comfortable with each other. As we age, the researchers concluded, "it could be that we're more able to express ourselves to each other."

Sue and I seldom quarrel, not only because I know I will lose but because I am almost always wrong. Even Sue will concede that I am right about this.

Nonetheless, I risked getting on her nerves by conducting my own study on our 30th anniversary.

Being a couple of real swingers, Sue and I celebrated by going out to lunch. Of course, Sue thinks I am perpetually out to lunch, but it was nice to be together without quarreling.

When we got back home, I began my study by asking Sue to list all the things about me that irritate her. I expected her to think it over, perhaps straining to come up with an answer, but she responded immediately.

"You get on my nerves all the time," Sue said. "You are the only person I know who can look busy every day and do nothing."

This rubbed me the wrong way. "That's a great skill," I replied defensively. "Not everyone could pull it off."

This rubbed Sue the wrong way. "You go upstairs and sit in your office for a while, then you take a shower," she said. "Or you go outside and putz around, then you come back in and take a shower. By then, it's cocktail time and you've done nothing."

"All that putzing and showering can build up a thirst," I said.

Then I asked Sue if I have any good points. This time she didn't respond immediately. Finally, she said, "When I give you a list of chores, you do them. Only recently did you take the initiative to do the laundry. You do empty the dishwasher and I don't even have to tell you. And you do vacuum the house. You're always very proud of yourself and I have to say, 'Good job, dear,' and that makes both of us happy."

Sue admitted that I don't always do nothing and added, "You do have a lot of positives. You are caring and loving and you're always good for a laugh. And you're a great father. I love you, dear," said Sue, who asked me what it is about her that rubs me the wrong way.

I could think of only one thing. "You don't put the cap back on the toothpaste," I said. "Even on those tubes with the attached tops, you never snap them shut. Then you put the tube face down on the vanity, which gets all messed up. It's really annoying."

"I don't care about the stupid toothpaste," Sue shot back. "Deal with it."

Another argument lost. But I saved the day by listing all of Sue's positives, which include being loving, kind, generous, thoughtful and extremely beautiful and sexy. "I love you, too, dear," I said, giving her a kiss. I poured each of us a glass of wine and set the table for a romantic candlelight dinner, even though it was still light out.

Sue had the rest of the chicken salad sandwich she couldn't finish at lunch and I had some leftover chicken wings that had been in the freezer since the Super Bowl. Afterward, I helped her do the dishes.

That night, just before bed, Sue left the cap off the toothpaste again. I didn't let it get on my nerves. Now that's the real secret of a long and happy marriage.

Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima can be reached at [e-mail]. His blog is www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com.

Copyright 2008 by Jerry Zezima

Comments

[arkgrfx61]

My hubby and I are married just one year (feels like a lifetime...:))
We do have our quibbles and yes, it's easier to argue w/ him than w/just about anyone else.
The important thing that we've learned is that you shouldn't take them too seriously...do I nag him about the towel hanging from the shower rod as opposed to the hook on the door...sure...does he nag about me forgetting to turn off the tv... of course...but I guess it's those day to day things that we argue about, but laugh at too.
As long as he kisses me goodnite and before he leaves for work...that's what matters.

[Jerry Zezima - Huffpost Blogger]

You've been married just one year and it feels like a lifetime? I can tell that you have a good sense of humor, Ark. If the worst thing your hubby does is hang the towel on the shower rod and the worst thing you do is forget to turn off the TV, you're both pretty lucky. Best wishes for many more happy years -- a lifetime -- together. Keep laughing! And keep kissing!

[Nommo]

Congratulations on 30. We are in year 26 and I guess I learned a long time ago that it takes time to build up the tolerances that get you that longevity. Your adeptness is forged in learning when to keep your mouth shut about dumb stuff so I hang out in the bodega across the street and argue baseball. I hate that she will not wash a dish because I think that she know that it annoys the hell out of me so I leave the cap off the toothpaste and relocate the floss when I am really mad...

[Jerry Zezima - Huffpost Blogger]

I appreciate the congrats, Nommo. Twenty-six is nothing to sneeze at, either. Just make sure you don't sneeze on your wife. The bodega sounds like a good place. What baseball team do you root for?

[Nommo]

Yankees.

[Suzette Standring - Huffpost Blogger]

If getting on each other's nerves is the happy secret, then the whole world truly has the potential for peace. Now cap that toothpaste!

[Jerry Zezima - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Suzette. That's a feather in my (toothpaste) cap!

[Cathexis]

Um ... no.

Getting on each other's nerves is probably inevitable, from time to time, but it is not the reason the relationship is strong. It is because the relationship is strong that a couple can deal with "getting on each others' nerves."

A basic "Logic" class should be mandatory for all citizens. ;-)

Of course, then no one would ever vote GOP ...

[Gma11]

Well done!

A sense of humor helps as well . . .!

[Jerry Zezima - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, Gma11. A sense of humor does, indeed, help. My wife agrees. She says earplugs help, too.