It's Time: The Story of My Rape -- 23 Years Later

I told no one.
 
For so many reasons, I told no one.
 
I knew him. Hell, I'd had a crush on him for years. Co-captain of the football team. Swoon-worthy. The talk of mid-night sleepovers with the girls.
 
So I told no one.
 
I'd walked outside with him -- into the dark.
 
I was drunk.
 
When he kissed me, I kissed him back.
 
So I told no one.
 
Because had he not done what he did, I might have. Oh hell, I would have.
 
Had I had the choice.
 
But he took the choice away.
 
And I told no one.
 
Because I thought it was my fault.
 
Yeah, he pulled the trigger, but I walked outside with him, said the voice.
 
Into the dark.
 
When he kissed me, I kissed him back.
 
I handed him the gun, the voice told me. It must have been my fault.
 
I have been following the news this week with a bemused sense of horror. I've been reading every story that comes across my desk. I've been staring at the words as if through a greasy Plexiglas window. I've been listening to the talking heads pontificate about what it all means. I've been hearing them talk as if they're underwater. Their words just don't compute.
 
Legitimate Rape.
 
Forcible Rape.
 
Non-violent rape.
 
There is no word in the English language less in need of a modifier, nor less capable of being modified, than rape. There is no mitigating the violation of the human body and all that comes with it.
 
It's odd what I remember all these years later. It's not the physical pain. It's not the begging for him to stop. It's not the tears nor the shock that followed.
 
It's the ground. The dark, damp asphalt. And the bricks in the wall. And the smell of the dumpster just feet away.
 
But more than anything else what has haunted me this week has been an image of something that I couldn't actually see at the time. A picture that I've created in my mind over time. From a different perspective. One outside myself. Watching it happen.
 
It's his hand. Splayed across my back. Holding me in place. Taking away my choice. My control. My dignity.
 
I told no one.
 
For so many reasons, I told no one.
 
Twenty-three years later, I am still embarrassed. I still feel like it's my fault. I still see his hand, the ground, the bricks, the loss.
 
Twenty-three years later, it's time.
 
It's time because men in suits in Washington, men who make laws about what I can and cannot do with my body, are telling us -- are telling my precious daughters -- that rape is not always violent, that it is not always forcible, that it is not always legitimate.
 
It's time because those who at least seem to have a vague understanding of basic biology are telling us that when we conceive through rape, that when we have choice torn from us in the most violent, violating way imaginable, that it is going to happen again.
 
It's time because they are telling me that I was right.
 
That maybe my rape wasn't legitimate after all.
 
It's time because the shame should not be mine. It should never have been mine.
 
I talk a lot about the words we use. About how they not only serve to represent our beliefs but how they shape our beliefs. I will not have my children, my beautiful daughters, believing that rape could EVER be anything less than violent, forcible and by God, legitimate.
 
It's time.
 
I would like to thank Shauna Prewitt for telling her story and in so doing, unwittingly handing me the key to mine.
 
Jess can be found at her blog, Diary of a Mom.

 

Follow Jess Wilson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/diaryofamom

Comments

[Shauna Smith Mable]

12:45 PM on 08/25/2012

I'm very curious as to how you feel about the current headline "GOP states pregnancy from rape is a gift from God." Not sure where I saw that, but I didn't even read the article. I just don't feel I can pass judgement either way, because thank God, I've never been in such a horrendous situation, as to have to make that type of choice. Even if I was in that situation, I still would not be qualified to pass judgement on someone who would make a decision different from mine. I don't know... it all makes my eye twitch at this point.

[diaryofamom]

10:22 PM on 08/26/2012

Shauna, my answer lies within your comment. You said, " .. because thank God, I've never been in such a horrendous situation, as to have to make that type of choice." What the GOP platform proposes, and what the personhood bill that Paul Ryan co-sponsored proposes, is that there *be* no choice. outlawing abortion without exception for rape or incest, dictating what a woman in that horrendous situation MUST do, is as insane to me as it is unthinkable.

[DeborahLynn]

10:16 AM on 08/25/2012

You are not alone. Thank you for speaking up. I was 8 years old.

[sasophie]

01:25 AM on 08/25/2012

Dear Jess - thank you for your candor, and for your bravery. You are right, rape is rape; and NO means NO. If some of our legislators can't make that very clear distinction; how can we expect our children and teens to understand? How can we teach our girls that they don't hold any shame? How can we teach our boys that pushing a girl into sex, once she says "no" is NEVER acceptable? This happens to many, many girls. It came very close to happening to me, and I personally know of two women who were raped and who confided in me (one when we both were in high school, one as an adult, years after it took place), but would not report it because they were ashamed, and were afraid to publicly come out (because they knew their own integrity would be questioned).

[HouseOfMirrors]

11:57 PM on 08/24/2012

I blame the religious sexual culture here in America for un-prosecuted rapes such as the one described here. The subject of sex is shrouded in unspoken false reverence. In this case, from my reading, the socially compliant mentality of "don't talk about sex" mutated into "don't talk about rape". If sex wasn't so "sacred", that jock with an itch would have answered for his actions.

[Marinemama999]

09:06 PM on 08/24/2012

Thank you for sharing such a painful memory with the world. I am sorry that this ever happened to you, and I too worry, for our daughters who are under attack - as if they are the ones in need of chastisement instead of the rapists. I worry that somehow there are people in this country who actually believe the rhetoric and the spin and the defenses thrown by these men once they were called on their idiotic choice of words and who will vote them into office, thereby voting women's rights backwards about 100 years.

What I want the world to know is that yes, life is full of choices. And each of us should have the right to make the choices for ourselves, for our own bodies, for our futures, without interference. I wonder when we will begin to truly teach young men that their choice when a woman says NO is to walk away. That is their ONLY choice. When do we get to stop feeling victimized over and over and over by these guys?

[Amber McKenzie]

07:15 PM on 08/24/2012

Oh Jess. So many of us never tell. The shame is not ours. The shame belongs to those who rape. To those who don't listen when we say no. And to those in authority who have made it feel like it is our fault. The shame isn't yours sweetie. Thank you for baring yourself to us. May our daughters never suffer, but if they should, may they never feel ashamed.

[Irwinshellrenee]

05:27 PM on 08/24/2012

I am also the victim of rape at the hands of a police officer that i knew. The department has covered it up..I reported it and he was never questioned. After many threapy sessions i have come to realize that he may never answer here on earth. The only way we can hope to stop this crime is by speaking out and educating our children, both males and females. Silence hides Violence. Start talking! Its not our fault!

[Stimey]

04:52 PM on 08/24/2012

Thank you for sharing your story with us and making it so absolutely crystal clear that no rape is non-violent. The damage, the shattering, the mental trauma that lasts for decades is the very essence of violence and illegitimacy. Your story is important to tell. Your courage to do so is inspiring. Hopefully your heart and body can accept what your mind knows: This was never and can never be your fault.

[Alysia]

04:23 PM on 08/24/2012

I'm so proud of you. And I am so so sorry that this happened to you and to thousands of women. We need to share what has happened to us so the guilt and shame goes away. It was not your fault, it was not my fault. And politicians need to know that we are listening to how they talk about us. Because this is not a partisan issue. This is a respect issue. Thank you Jess for your bravery is speaking out. You didn't need to. But I am so glad you did.

[lunamireles]

02:56 PM on 08/24/2012

there are still too many people, men and women, who don't understand the difference. you explain it in a way i've not been able to, but i will be using your words to explain from now on. the intent of the victim is not the point, it's the taking away of the victim's choice. rape is rape. i can't imagine how scary it must've been to post this. thank you for speaking up.

[Becky Blake Lowe]

02:41 PM on 08/24/2012

Jess,
As always, your words are perfect and profound. You had no choice then but you do now! You can choose to make a difference for all of us and our precious daughters. Becky

[SaraiSun]

02:38 PM on 08/24/2012

Brave Jess. As ever.

[biggreenpen]

02:35 PM on 08/24/2012

There are not words sufficient enough to thank you and honor your candor and selflessness in sharing this. But I do thank you, and our daughters and generations of woman to come can only benefit from the dialogue that can come from this. Sending support and love your way.

[carriewland]

02:34 PM on 08/24/2012

I repeat part of what I wrote on Diary this morning and that is that you are bravest and most honest person I could have every wished that you could be. I only hope that now you can be released from the pain and the shame that you carried for so long. I love you, Jess. I love you.

Mom

[kdgf]

02:31 PM on 08/24/2012

It was not your fault! It will never be your fault! Many of us have not told. Some of us were too young to really understand at the time. Trusting that person that we knew. Then feeling as if we should never trust anyone ever again. There are many of us out here. You are not alone. And our daughters should never have to feel the way we have and still do. Rape is always violent, even if it leaves no physical marks or scars.