06/09/2005 07:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Can you watch Brad & Angelina in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" and still respect yourself in the morning? Alas, no.

"Mr. & Mrs. Smith" is such a stinker that I feel I have a moral duty to warn you against it.

Yes, the trailers and commercials make this movie look like a romp. And the publicity surrounding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie --- they are! they aren't! --- has surely made you curious to see if their on-screen "chemistry" is more than good acting.

Brad and Angelina aren't the problem. The screenplay is. Because it asks you to believe that killing people --- which is what Brad and Angelina both do for a living --- is a morally neutral act.

Go to a card game, shoot four guys, meet the wife for dinner.

Pretend to be a prostitute, break a guy's neck, meet the hubby for dinner.

At a certain point, Brad and Angelina get their toughest assignments ever: kill one another. As they set about their deadly tasks, I guess they discover they're really in love. But in order to save themselves, they need to kill a legion of faceless, anonymous assassins. The effect is to devalue death, to reduce killing to a value-free video game, only with real bullets. Just what America needs in the middle of a war in which the dead have become marginalized and abstract!

Maybe it's just me --- well, and my smart stepson, and our savvy friend, and most of the people I talked to in the lobby after the screening of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" --- but I spent the entire movie never getting past my grievance with the basic premise. If you've got an inability to leave the real world behind when you step into the multiplex, you will too. So...skip this dog.