Well, that was weird.
I'm talking about the election, of course. You guys, you have to admit it was. Politics are super weird. It's been a couple of week since we voted for the president, the VP, and a bunch of props we didn't really understand, and now that everything's back to normal, I think it's a good time to reflect on just how -- not crazy, not impassioned -- but weird everything was.
I wasn't all that vocal during the campaign. But it wasn't because I didn't want to make my political affiliation known. Rather, it was because I live in Hollywood, so you guys already know where I stand.
With whomever George Clooney tells me to.
The election made people nuts. People who normally reserve Facebook for photos of their babies in pumpkin patches and what they're having for dinner suddenly made their views known. Now, I chose not to post any political rants, because I figured it might alienate people, and quite frankly I can't afford to lose any friends. Except for the aforementioned ones posting photos of their dinner. Y'all are expendable.
I kept my political tweets to mostly jokes as well. Remember this one? "Romney doesn't drink, Ryan exercises regularly. Obama makes promises can't keep, Biden says things he regrets. Well, I know who I relate to."
Oh, you don't? Then maybe you should follow me on Twitter. C'mon, it'll be a hoot.
But all in all, my reasoning for keeping things light is that when dealing with friends or family with differing views than yours, to keep the peace it's better to steer clear from controversial issues. Don't talk about politics. Or religion. Or the fact that I slept with your wife in the summer of 2007. It just makes things awkward.
(Yes, that was also one of my recent tweets. Seriously, why aren't you following me?)
Now where was I? Right. This election was weird. I guess elections in general always are. First off, the entire Republican primary consisted of men (and whatever Michele Bachmann is, because it's not human) who completely destroyed and tore down one another's character. Then, once there was only one person left, they all backed ol' Mitt and enthusiastically told the American people he's the best man for the job!
Weird. Politicians seem to think Americans are goldfish, that we don't remember anything that happened more than three seconds ago. That's silly. It's more like five seconds.
However I may feel about his policies, though, I'll be honest, Mitt seems to be a decent, charitable family man. And I bet he's got a great scent. A subtle musk of Aqua Velva and ambition. But up until August his own party painted him in the most terrible of lights. Newt Gingrich went after him the same way he pursued all his past wives -- with little care about who would get hurt in the aftermath. And as a result, it was the Republican Party who got damaged the most. Don't tell us you now fully support Mitt when you spent countless hours bashing him. Elections are just so weird! The only good thing about them is that it gives us something else to talk about besides the weather and the Kardashians. Speaking of, I heard Kris and Bruce might get a divorce. O-M-G, right?
But let's get back on track, shall we? Do you guys want to hear something extra weird? Rape was an issue in this campaign. Rape! Why were we talking about rape? I know it's hard for us all to agree on a lot. But there are some things that should just be facts at this point:
FACT: Puppies are cute.
FACT: Ross and Rachel belonged together.
FACT: Rape is bad.
Want to hear something that's not weird, though? Once, back in the '80s, a woman gave birth to me. It's true. Now, I know that might make me bias, but as a result I sorta sympathize with the idea of women being equal. And having control of their bodies. Even the ones who post pics of their dinners on Facebook. I might block you, sure, but you still deserve to be a human being.
On a final note, remember how I said everything is now back to normal? Normal is gridlock in Washington, a political sex scandal, and a return to the Kardashians overtaking our news cycle. So come to think of it, maybe our "normal" here in America is actually pretty weird. I don't know. I'll have to ask George Clooney what he thinks about all this.
Seriously, that's how it works in Hollywood.
Oh, and this just in, Kris and Bruce aren't getting a divorce. Phew!
Follow Jesse Lasky on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jesselasky