Dear Kim Kardashian,
We get it. You're sexy.
The dresses that look like they were lacquered onto your curves. Your 5-foot-2 frame, perpetually tottering in Louboutins. The doe eyes, smudged in gobs of eyeliner. I mean, your eyes are always smokier than Mitt Romney's are in his Twitter avatar.
Even your gym clothes look like the 'after' shot in an x-ray glasses demonstration.
And we get it: it's your schtick. We know you need to earn a living, and we know you do that by showing off your voluptuous, uh, business savvy. Your sex appeal is how you and your sisters wade around in pedi-spas full of cash doing ... whatever it is you do. Sell perfume, I guess?
And it's not like the sex-kitten thing hasn't worked on men and women. A famous stylist even said you were our generation's Marilyn Monroe, noting how girls all over the world are taking to their curling irons and smudging their eyeliner to nab the Kim look for a night out. You're synonymous with "sex symbol" because in many ways, that's the only way we've gotten to know you.
But in light of your recent split from Kris Humphries (and subsequent hiding from the press), let us suggest one way you can transition to Swingin' Single Sisterhood or whatever: mixing up your style.
Why? Now's the perfect time! Sure, you were the, ahem, butt of America's joke for awhile after your flash-in-the-pan marriage, but eventually everyone found new things to ridicule, like Herman Cain and Rick Perry and, well, I guess mostly GOP candidates. Our culture moves on so fast -- now it's time to show us how you can do the same.
And Kim, it does seem like your reeling from the breakup is giving you a new sense of self-awareness. As you told Glamour this month:
"I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic."
Awesome! We love realistic.
So what are our style suggestions for you? Here are five ways you could take it down a couple notches from the Bratz doll thing.
1. First, Kim, you can always reach for that old breakup standby: the haircut. Remember how you looked in this shorter wig? Badass! Ditch those extensions like they're a basketball player trying to get you to move to Minnesota.
2. We'd love to see you in some creative evening wear -- maybe some Prabal Gurung or Thakoon. You can still show off your famous curves, but maybe try swathing them in taffeta or cashmere instead of smothering them in spandex.
3. Accessories! What about some Zooey Deschanel glasses? Trade the heels for some ballet flats or TOMS or, I don't know, loafers. Don't worry, because even if you lose the stilettos, there will still be many things about your look that will, uh, never be flat.
4. I've never smelled you, but I assume you're always wafting through the room in a cloud of some eau de Kardashian. We say: Go subtler! Think more Jen Aniston, less Pam Anderson.
5. Finally, you also look amazing without makeup. Embrace it! The less face paint you wear, the more your inherent beauty can dazzle us. Because really, you're stunning.
And believe me, America will notice. You have the attention of a nation groaning under a recession that's still just as fascinated with the antics of cash-laden celebrities. We're looking for distractions. Some of us are so bored we're claiming Justin Bieber is our babydaddy, apparently just for the lulz. Trust me. Your hair will make headlines.
Simple is sexy. Real is sexy. Who's the real Kim, anyway? Maybe it's time to scrub off the eyeliner, step out of the sex-kitten heels and let a glimpse of her peek through.
Follow Jessica Misener on Twitter at www.twitter.com/jessmisener.
Follow Jessica Misener on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jessmisener