The obvious start to this column is that I just can't get enough of guys. Not just any guy mind you--good-looking, intelligent, charismatic, loyal and forthcoming guys. The kind that you wish you could date (if only they weren't in a relationship, engaged or married!) and even if they're not available, the kind that give you hope that you'll eventually find one who is.
It's why I wanted to interrogate the you-know-what out of them to discover everything ranging from their biggest pet peeves about women to how they like their significant other to broach a tough topic.
This time I asked guys two questions in particular that I really wanted to know the answers to. First, much like which comes first--the chicken or the egg?--I wanted to know which comes first for guys: the urge to settle down and get married, or the right girl when you're not looking. Secondly, a question that I know pops up a lot (and please get your mind out of the gutter, although we'll get to sex in a minute), is whether or not the Facebook relationship status is really that big of a deal.
Many of the guys I spoke with said it's something that girls make a huge deal out of, but it's the last thing they think of. Funny thing is, I've noticed that for those guys that are really happy in a relationship, or really want to let the rest of the FB world know that their girl is taken, they'll absolutely change their relationship status without any prodding from outside sources. So why do they still say it's no big deal? Ego, perhaps? I want to know your experiences with the FB relationship status change, and then in my next column, I'll press them more on the issue.
Speaking of, part 2 of What Guys Want You to Know was already planned from the beginning, but thanks to all the great feedback I've been getting, a part 3 is definitely in the works. Seems there is a bunch of stuff we want to know about guys, straight from the horse's mouth. This time, in addition to questions I'll be putting together, I want to hear from you guys too. What would you like my panel of guys to answer? Leave me a comment below, your name/age (if you want), and I'll be sure to include it in my next column.
Meanwhile, I'll be leaving my own answers to my own questions, based on what the guys have told me. Tell me what you think.
Thanks so much! Enjoy!
Q: How long is too long to wait before sleeping together when just starting to date?
"That totally depends on the relationship. You will know when you know. In this day and age, there should be no judgment on that topic. Do what you have to do--we are all consenting adults after all--and if it is meant to be, time will not be a factor and it will happen naturally on its own."
-Michael M., 37, Los Angeles, Actor, Married
"(The number of months you've been single) divided by (the number of dates you've been on) multiplied by zero."
-Aaron K., 31, Los Angeles, Author & Comedian, Single
Author's Note: Haha, Aaron.
"I think that depends 100% on the situation. Using specific numbers of dates or numbers of weeks/months as your gauge is a bad idea. Why be so calculating or put expectations on the other person? You'll both know when you're ready. I think that's one of the biggest problems with dating these days. People are made to feel that every relationship has a timeline of how things should progress and that it must be followed. I have a friend who recently got engaged after dating for 6 years. I can't imagine how many times she was asked about when they were going to get engaged. She felt their waiting was the right thing to do. So there is not set amount of time to me.
-Tony B., 40, St. Louis, Financial Services, Engaged
"There is no answer for that. Every dating situation is different."
-Bob M., 31, Chicago, Attorney, In-a-Relationship
"More than a month is too long. I'd say three/four dates."
-Jason M., 29, St. Louis, Marketing, In-a-Relationship
(Author's Interruption: However, after knowing Jason for so long, I can honestly say that as long as he's interested in the girl, he'll wait till she's ready.)
"I am sure this is different for every guy. I was looking for a girl that was sexual compatible--which means really naughty! So if I didn't get some pretty naughty sex early in the first few dates I made the decision that we were not compatible. (Author's interruption: WOAH BABY! As you can imagine, I was a little taken aback when my Mikey told me this. He's not a jerk, he's not a pervert, but I also know that what he is saying is how many guys do feel. I wanted to know more, and so, I asked him. But first, I'll let him finish) I also don't care how many or who a girl was with before me. If you want a guy that is pristine and doesn't need sex to be a major part of the relationship, then wait. Hell, wait till marriage. It will ensure you weed out guys like me."
-Michael U., 33, Las Vegas, Casino Manager, Married with kids
Follow-up question: Ok, buddy, but what if you are dating a girl who you have amazing physical chemistry with, but she would rather wait to sleep with you until she knows you guys are exclusive and you're not sleeping around with others? Is that too much to ask?
"If we talked openly and she wanted exclusivity before a romp in the hay, then no problem. I have never dated more than one girl at a time anyway. . .that would be way too much work! On a side note, girls that say what they want with confidence are very attractive. Although I believe women feel the same way about a confident man who can tell you what he needs to be happy."
Author's Note: Alright, much better! You passed.
"By the time you reach the end of sentence you should know. Seriously, when you know, it just happens. Chemistry has no right or wrong time. DON'T PLAY GAMES. You will always lose."
-Buck W., 31, Detroit, Social Media Director/On-Air CBS Radio, Married
"I think that all depends on the couple. Could be the third date, could be a couple months. Just depends."
-Michael K., 34, New York City, Editior/Social Media Genius, Engaged
Author's Observation: I love that all the guys basically said there is no timeline. It's true--there really isn't. Whoever came up with that 3-date rule needs to hang out with Steve Harvey, who mandated a 90-day rule in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I mean, seriously, what on earth? Can you imagine saying to your boyfriend on day 80, "Sorry honey. Not tonight. We have to wait 10 more days. Steve said so." First of all, they are going to wonder who the hell Steve is and why he has the say in this relationship, and secondly, why you're impressionable enough to listen to a stranger. I don't care if you wait a day or until you get married--as long as you are being physically smart (Condoms and the pill, people!) and emotionally aware (it's been said before, but I'll say it again--don't sleep with a guy just because you're afraid he'll lose interest if you don't!), it doesn't matter when you do it. If longevity is what you're after, take your time, and own your decision.
One of the most candid responses--from Michael U.--was great because it reflects what a lot of guys think when it comes to sex. My favorite part though was what Mike hit on at the end. . . it doesn't matter what a girl wants, as long as she says it with confidence. If you need exclusivity before jumping into the sack, then say so confidently--because you're worth it! (And no, a L'Oreal commercial did not just come on). If you don't let a guy know what you need (in bed, or in a relationship) and what's important to you, then they'll lose interest--fast. That goes for whether you're underneath the sheets or ordering at a restaurant.
Q: Which comes first for a guy: the urge to settle down and find 'the one,' or the right girl when you're not looking?
"The right girl comes first. If you're dating someone and there is no thought in your head that you want to settle down, then I think that's more of a sign that the person you are dating is not the one. I knew within a very short amount of time that my fiancée was the one I wanted to marry and 'settle down' with. Although, I don't like the term as it contains the word 'settle' which has a negative connotation."
-Tony B.
(Author's Note: This is where it helps being friends with who you interview. Although Tony is correct when he says he knew his fiancée was the one after a short amount of time, I also knew that before he met her, he was looking for that relationship. In his case, I prefer to think of it as wanting to 'settle' down {sorry Tony!} but not willing to 'settle' for anyone but the right girl.)
"Tough one. . . I didn't find the right girl until I decided to look. Before that I was too busy to find the right girl. I think most guys have to be looking, but that's just a guess."
-Michael U.
"Urge to settle down and find 'the one.'"
-Jason M.
"Without a doubt, the right one when you're not looking. When we look, we always find the 'idea' of what we're looking for and not the real deal."
-Buck W.
"The right girl when you're not looking. No, literally--physically knocking a woman down is a good conversation starter."
-Matthew H., 32, Seattle, Senior Magazine Editor--Seattle Metropolitan Magazine, Married and father of one
(Author's Note: Um, ok, Matthew, we'll take your word for it!)
"I never really pictured myself as the marrying type. I was always more the 'independent video artist' type. I went on match.com to see if I could find someone for a serious relationship--a 'partner for life' if you will. I didn't think that match.com would actually work. Being on match.com in a city like New York is part of the 'in' thing to do, so I signed up. However, once you meet the right one, you realize that there is a lot more to life than dating, (editing) video, and Starbucks."
-Michael K.
"Neither. You will find the right girl when you are ready. She may not be the 'one,' but that only exists in fairy tales."
-Bob M.
(Author's Note: Ladies, what do you think?)
Author's Observation: As I mentioned in the beginning, I couldn't wait to ask this question to the guys. No shocker here that they were pretty much split down the middle. But in my observations I've discovered that if a guy is not in the right frame of mind to get married and think of a family, it doesn't matter if the right girl came along and hit him upside down the head. It might make them start to think about creating a life together and eventually speed up the process, but unless they are secure in their career and happy with their life, most likely it won't happen. If you want to find the guy that will lead to a long-term relationship (and eventually marriage), make sure you don't waste too much time with a guy who doesn't. No amount of pressure and urging is going to make them ready to 'settle' down.
Side note: Kudos to Tony B. for saying that a lot of us are thinking--who came up with the term "settle down?" How depressing!
Q: If a guy hasn't indicated he's 'in a relationship' on Facebook, do you think it means he's not ready to take the relationship to the next level, or is the relationship status on Facebook just not that big of a deal for guys?
"He probably doesn't even know how to update his relationship status, and hasn't given it 1000th of a percent the thought that you have."
-Aaron K.
"It's definitely not that big of a deal for guys. And girls, if he has not changed his status, feel free to keep yours single as well."
-Bob M.
(Author's Note: For the record, Bob's does say 'In a Relationship.')
"I don't think social media status updates count much in real life. Some take it very seriously. I hear many friends say 'if it's not on Facebook, it's not for real.' I don't get it. ☺
-Michael K.
(Author's Note: For the record, Michael indicates he's 'Engaged.')
Author's Observation: Years ago, when MySpace was all the rage (Facebook what?), it drove me nuts when my boyfriend kept his single status. I didn't want to make a big deal of it (in fact, I kept trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything), but a very wise friend mentioned that by keeping it listed as single, it was basically false advertising. And it was! Because it was important to me, I casually (and coyly) mentioned one day, 'so according to MySpace, you're still single, huh?'--with a bat of the eyelashes. "All your girlfriends must love that, lol." My boyfriend responded with, 'oh yeah, ha, I should probably change that.' But guess what, he never did. I wasn't about to be one of 'those' girls who beats something to the ground with a guy, so I decided my one and only attempt would be it. Unfortunately, it came as no shock when a month later we split up (his doing--he just wanted to be single). In relationships since, I've noticed that if a guy is reluctant to indicate a change (unless they rarely go on Facebook, don't like writing status updates, or really value their privacy), it's a good indicator about what they're thinking regarding the state of your relationship. It's ok to bring it up, but after that, just drop it, and wait to see how things play out. You'll get your answer eventually.
One last thing---even though both Bob and Michael K. say it doesn't really matter, the fact that they both indicate they are either in-a-relationship or engaged on FB says something. Girls might read more into the Facebook stuff than guys, but in this day and age of social networking, a simple switch of the status update goes a long way.
Stay tuned for part 3 of "What Guys Want YOU to Know" coming soon. In the meantime, if you missed part 1 of what these genius guys had to say, you can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessica-radloff/what-guys-want-you-to-kno_b_687159.html