Jessie Sherman is the pseudonym for a writer who has been trying to find a way to write about her open marriage for the last seven years. Because explaining and understanding the whole thing has been so hard, The Archeology of Open Marriage is her attempt to pick up some of the pieces, turn them upside down and tell the story that way.
My husband's new girlfriend brought him flowers the other day when she came to visit him. I was at the gym, but when I got home it was hard not to notice the fresh bouquet of purple and brown blossoms sitting in a vase on the dining room table. "Are those from Jill?" I asked. My husband smiled -- still glowing from the couple of hours they'd had alone together at the house with the kids at school and me gone.
"You know," I said, eyeing the flowers, "I think those are for me. This is her way of thanking me for letting her spend time with you. It shows respect for your wife and who's who in this whole open marriage arrangement."
"Well, that's one way to interpret those flowers," said my pal Jones on the phone later that day. "That's very healed of you."
Jones, like me, has done a lot of personal work over the last 20 years in an attempt to kick up some rocks in the quarry of our wounded souls. Between us we've been on 60 day-silent retreats, worked with Shamans, spent time with Byron Katie, Werner Erhard and god knows how many therapists.
"Or," I add, "She's leaving the flowers to let me know that she's arrived. Kind of like a dog peeing on your stuff. She's marking her territory."
"Exactly," says Jones.
"So I think I'll stick with the first interpretation," I say.
"Man, I could not do this," says Jones, who has known me since the first day of college over 30 years ago, and who remembers me running into our dorm at midnight to get my diaphragm because I'd just met some cute boys at a dance and was about to go spur of the moment snow camping with them.
The truth is, I didn't think I could do it either seven years ago when we met Peter and Jenny, who would go on to become our first lovers. After 16 years together, hubby and I had certainly traversed some tough territory, but taking lovers wasn't a solution we'd even considered. Peter and Jenny had. They told us a story about going to a Sting concert with another couple from their kid's school. "It was wild," said Jenny laughing, "I'm sitting there in the limo and this hand comes from behind my seat and slips right under my dress."
"Wow," I'm sure I said obligingly at the time. "Sounds fun." But it didn't sound fun. It sounded weird and complicated and maybe something you'd need to be drunk for. I just couldn't see it for myself. I mean, how do you do that? How do you have casual sex with someone else when you're married?
Apparently Peter was about to show me, because a couple of weeks later he pushed me up against the wall outside of a Chinese restaurant we'd just had dinner in and he kissed me. Not just a peck, but one of those long, deep wet ones. I was 44, I'd been monogamous for 16 years, hubby and I had been slugging it out in the domestic trenches with carpools, a mortgage, laundry, kids. My whole sexual vibe had dulled to barley a tingle, orgasms were harder to come by and I'd just begun to accept it. Middle age. Who cared about sex? The kiss from Peter was a gift, and like Sleeping Beauty, I woke up to a part of myself that was only lying dormant, but definitely not dead.
That was seven years ago and a lot has happened since then.
For hubby and I, meeting Jenny and Peter turned out to be one of those very rare, magical, karmic connections. Jenny and my husband are still lovers -- though now there is a new girlfriend on the scene -- which adds some complication. When Jenny was upset about it a couple of weeks ago she called me to talk her through it. Peter and I turned out to be better friends than lovers -- though we do still see each other sexually every now and again. My lover of five years was in that early limo ride with them. He was the one with his hands up Jenny's dress.
Sometimes I want to make a family tree just to explain to people the ins and outs of who's who and what we've all discovered over the years about being married, having lovers, raising kids and getting older. The bottom line is this: All three of the involved couples like being married -- in fact we like it a lot more than some of the monogamous people we know. We know we're looking the romantic ideal of long-term marriage straight in the eye and choosing to maintain the parts we like, while opening up to the parts that need a good airing out.
And while it will take many more stories to understand this whole open marriage business -- why we do it, what it says about our marriages, what kinds of lies we're telling ourselves as well as the healing that's taking place for us individually, I'm just going to try and knock over a few pieces at a time and see what's under those rocks -- the archeology of open marriage -- my attempt to look at the thing from the remnants of what each day kicks up.
Today it's those flowers left by my husband's new lover. She's a grown up -- has a couple of kids and a husband. You've got to think she knew I'd see them. I wonder what she's thinking? I'm sure we'll know in time.
Again, thank you for posting, and i look forward to your continued submissions.
Friday my wife is going to a concert with her friends. I am going to dinner with my girlfriend. My wife knows, even knows the restaurant. She (wife) and I will meet up at 11 at a pastry shop, have tea and cakes, and come home.
infidelity is not my cup of tea, to have only one partner is wonderful.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." Rumi
I worked on a series once called Sex with Strangers - it was a reality show that followed a half-dozen or so couples of various ages, in the swinging lifestyle in the Pacific Northwest. It was tough to work on, since in the dailies, we'd have to watch the women slowly come undone, psychologically.
By the end of the series, nearly every woman admitted she'd been molested in some way when younger, and felt bad about their mans' perceived betrayals, yet felt powerless to say no.
That's how it unrolled on its own, and it does seem the norm, based on other open relationships I've seen.
I've been told about series that excluded stable, happy families and selected families that were highly likely to "come undone" or implode over the course of the series. These series were rigged for failed relationships. Stable is, after all, boring.
And so, your experience with your series doesn't convince me of anything. I'm more interested in controlled, academic studies.
Where is the responsibility, commitment, dedication, loyalty and dignity from this? What is teaching to their kids? They decide to have kids, they have to know they became "parents", too which have lots of sacrifice. If they were not ready to take this "sacrifice" then, they shouldn't have kids.
It is very easy to make excuses for our own pleasure and our rights but we have to consider the long run influence to our kids and to our souls....
By the way, I do understand the meaning of the flower. I did the similar thing, too and I felt shameful and very hurting to hurt somebody who was innocent. Her motivation was to leave the evidence and let you know that "I am here!"
I do try my best not to judge others and respect thier right to make thier own choices, (but I have to admit, I do catch myself doing it from time to time, even tho I believe it's wrong.) Sorry, I will try to do better tomorrow.
What I am REALLY tired of, is the fact that some groups, (yes, I'll say it even at the risk that I will be labelled for it), insist on "bringing it to the world". Why do you feel you need all this publicity? Why can't you just go and live your lives, in whatever way makes you feel fufilled and happy and complete without having to tell the rest of the world about it? I also don't understand the journalists who write these articles either. I think after educating myself to be a writer, I would aspire to finding something more meaningful to write about.
No one EVER tells these monogamously and heterosexually married people to "just go and live your lives, in whatever way makes you feel fulfilled and happy and complete without having to tell the rest of the world about it." On the contrary; people generally say to them, "Tell us more!"
Well, guess what? I claim my right to celebrate my open marriage with every bit as much visibility and celebration and storytelling as any monogamously married person. Nobody gets to tell me to slink off into a closet.
Furthermore, when the telling of my story evokes harsh condemnation (as has happened on multiple occasions), I claim my right to associate freely with other people who agree with me, in an effort to make it less harsh for the next person who dares to tell her or his story of open marriage.
That's not an open marriage you're celebrating, it's single-hood. It's just that you apparently wanted the white dress and the big party, too. Open marriage is an oxymoron.
While I would never tell you to slink off into a closet, I question your celebrating it in the same way I'd question a groupie celebrating having nailed a rock star. I get it. It's exciting. It's daring. It makes you feel cool and hip and adventuresome. But damned if I'd be *celebrating* promiscuity within the confines of a marriage.
People who disapprove of open marriage will see "obvious" sadness and misery, as many have posted here already.
People who approve of open marriage will see candor and humor.
Imagine if we all tried to set aside our expectations and pre-judgments, and really listen to the author's words?
* That she wants to talk about her open marriage:
"And while it will take many more stories to understand this whole open marriage business..."
* That the experience has been amazing for her:
"...rare, magical, karmic connections..."
* That it has had an overall positive effect on her marriage:
"The bottom line is this: All three of the involved couples like being married -- in fact we like it a lot more than some of the monogamous people we know."
* That she's brave enough to examine one of America's favorite idolatries:
"We know we're looking the romantic ideal of long-term marriage straight in the eye and choosing to maintain the parts we like, while opening up to the parts that need a good airing out. "
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-block/portrait-of-an-open-marri_b_35026.html
Times they are a changing, for sure!
I also tackle the subject of my own open marriage in my book "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." It's amazing how many people come forward and say they are either in or interested in being in an open marriage once the subject is broached.
We are sure to see a continuing evolution of relationships as time moves forward. Everything else is changing, why would they stay the same?
to me, to ongoing need for new, the inability to give up the new and the willingness to risk hurting the other partner is suggestive of a fickle & immature response system, both emotionally and physically.
it's = respecting their feelings and cherishing their sense of self
thx :)