"Hope Springs," the cringingly funny mid-life comedy about a marriage that has lost its sexual spark, seems to have struck a chord with audiences in its opening weekend. It's a departure for the movie industry, which usually creates the impression that everyone is having mind-blowing sex with gorgeous partners, but it more closely tracks what's really happening behind many couples' closed doors.
Even though we live in one of the most sexualized cultures ever, Americans are having less sex than they were in the 1950's. In fact, according to the American Medical Association (AMA), 40 million adults in relationships are not having sex at all, and a third of all women report a lack of interest in sex. No wonder people have resonated with Meryl Streep's and Tommy Lee Jones' characters as they try to restore intimacy in what has become a sexless marriage.
As a practitioner of Chinese medicine specializing in reproduction and sexual health, I've talked with thousands of people over the years about their sex lives. So I've heard over and over again about how much sex people are not having, how they just don't feel much like it, how they are too tired or too stressed to even think about it. But I also hear, with equal fervor from women like Kay, Meryl Streep's character in "Hope Springs," how much they want to want sex. So I'm always happy to be able to tell them there are simple solutions available, and that the ancient Taoist founders of Chinese medicine wrote it all down thousands of years ago. Their wisdom offers modern couples key insights about how to want -- and have -- great sex.
That's what my upcoming book "Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido" is all about, but in a nutshell: the Taoists understood that good sex is important to a person's health and happiness; that good sex is important to the health of a relationship; and that good sex always involves the mutual flow of energy between partners, with both people giving and receiving it. And that all those things are themselves intimately entwined. If sex isn't creating energetic connection, and powering both you and the relationship, then over time it is likely to drop off. As in, over a cliff.
But having sex again -- good sex -- can have you back scaling the heights. My single best piece of advice to anyone who wants to want to have sex, but hasn't really been feeling it, is to go ahead and do it anyway. Pretend you are in a sneaker commercial and just do it. I don't mean to sound glib, and I know it seems easier said than done. But there's real Chinese medicine behind the advice -- and a proven track record amongst my patients that it works. The Chinese medicine philosophy is that having sex creates connection, moves stagnant energy and restores balance -- both within you, and between partners. Balance, connection, and flowing energy are what you need to feel your sexual desire. In other words, having sex makes you want more sex.
Assuming it's good sex. And the Taoists have that covered, too. They offer plenty of meditations, positions and techniques designed to ensure the sex is good. As "Hope Springs" proclaims, "Sometimes to keep the magic, you need to learn a few tricks." The following is just one example. It's an exercise designed by the Taoists specifically to move stagnant sexual energy in the body, circulate sexual energy from the pelvis through the rest of the body, and find a place of balance from which to make a sexual connection with someone else. I call my simplified version The Loop. It combines breathing with visualization into a meditative practice.
Practicing The Loop will help you tap into your own sexual energy if you've been out of touch with it, and help you cultivate more of it. And it will enhance sexual pleasure. It is also, speaking very practically, a great way to get started, especially if, like the couple in "Hope Springs," your drought has been long.
The Loop
Sit comfortably with your eyes closed. Imagine a shallow bowl nestled inside your pelvis -- a bowl filled with warm oil. Now imagine a tube or straw running along your spine. Inhale, and as you do, imagine the warm oil coursing up through the tube, as if led by your breath, moving from your pelvic area up to the very top of your head. Hold your breath in for a count of three (or five, as you get more experienced). Then exhale, imagining the warm oil flowing down, along a line in the center of the front of your body, from your head through your mouth, across your chest, down through your abdomen, and back into the bowl in your pelvis. Hold your breath out as the bowl finishes filling, then after three to five seconds begin again with an inhale. The idea is to create a continuous loop -- and run through it about six times.
With practice you can learn to do this loop with your partner, synchronizing your breathing so one person breathes in as the other breathes out. Expert loopers learn to do this exercise whilst they are having sex, timing the breathing and energetic exchange with the rhythm of intercourse.
My patients who have learned The Loop almost always love it. They happily report that their experience with The Loop helps them to feel more balanced and connected and, not coincidentally, more like having sex. Or could the renewed sexual desire come from the way The Loop leads to more intense orgasms?
EARLIER ON HUFF/POST50:
Laura Knowles: Redefining Great Sex
Granted, there are lots of people who would write lengthy comments all the time w/o this feature. However, anyone who doesnt want to read those can always just skip them.
The problem is that lots of times after I have edited my comment, it no longer expresses what I wished to express, because the meaning is lost due to the forced editing.
Please rethink this policy. Change would be most appreciated!
For anyone who agrees with me and would prefer it without this feature, please click the "favorites" button on this comment.
Thank you in advance for your consideration!
If you have that much to say, perhaps you should start a Blog and use the articles on HuffPost as a starting off point. This way you can say your piece without anyone trying to cut you off.
THEN....2)healthy diets, your mind and body have to have proper nutrition to function properly. (and I Do love oysters!)
NEXT....3) PHYSICAL ACTIVITY----the more the better. Physical activity causes your body to produce more testosterone. Higher testosterone levels increases libido and explosivly satisfying sex.
FINALLY...LOTS OF SUNSHINE----Even a little nude sun bathing if possible. Dr's have begun to treat both male and female patients complaining of low libido with exposure of genitals to IR and UV lights. Sounds a little too clinical to me, I'd prefer to sun out on the ocean. I use to think it was just being naked in the sun and the wind that made me more ...uhm...."excited". Medicos claim it's the rays.
Then I went out to have my own life and met a guy I knew growing up, I'd come to CO which has always been home to me.
We're best friends and laugh and love and all those things you read about. What a wonderful way to go into retirement in a few years!
I wonder if perhaps marriage is simply a plan for raising children and that real personal love and happiness comes after? Maybe a fortunate few have love that can survive the realities of 50 hour work weeks and braces for 9, but having both been divorced my ex and I decided to work within that reality without romantic snares as well.
that's the secret !!
sooo truuuuuue that it hurts
I truly belive that most meds (particularly anti-depressants) seem to affect hormones as well as other things, and that seems to be what kills the sex drive. At least this has been my own experiance.
Also, the decrease in sex drive as people age may also have to do with meds, since most people have to take more and more meds the older they get.
The only factual basis I have for my claims are the inserts the came with my meds. (I am 40yrs old and have to take 6 every day due to the fact that I am permenantly disabled.) Other than the info from the pkg inserts and my own experiance, the rest is just my humble opionion.