Rarely when fathers seek full custody of a child are the facts so stacked against the mother as in the case between "Monster Garage" star Jesse James and his ex-wife, porn star Janine Lindemulder. The couple are battling in court for custody of 5-year-old daughter Sunny. Not only is Lindemulder a porn star, which is a career that one can argue has negative moral and lifestyle implications on a child's upbringing, but she is married to a felon and has an alleged drug problem. James on the other hand is married to Sandra Bullock, who has been called "America's sweetheart."
I guess it won't surprise you that few fathers get full custody. The ones who even attempt it usually have an arsenal of evidence. According to the Association of Matrimonial Lawyers, the majority of cases are now joint custody.
Bullock and James have had sole custody of 5-year-old Sunny for the past six months since Lindemulder was in jail -- yes, jail -- for tax evasion.
Now Lindemulder has gone from the courts to the court of public opinion by appearing on ABC's Good Morning America and throwing what I'm calling the divorce equivalent of the "shot heard around the world" in accusing Sandra Bullock of being an interloping stepmother who is trying to "take away my daughter." Give me a break. This shot will backfire and be a rallying cry for stepmothers to finally be freed from the tyranny of the stereotype that they can't be loving, wise, and sincerely devoted parents in a child's life.
"What would give her the right to take away my daughter?" Lindemulder asked, even though she admitted Bullock is a good stepmother to Sunny. "This is my daughter. I'm the best mother I can be."
Hmmm, the best mother she can be is not enough. Especially when she is married to Jeremy Aikman, who as E! reported, has several previous state and federal convictions involving alcohol, guns and the manufacturing of narcotics.
While I counsel many women who are anguished when their kids see their ex's new wife -- who may have broken up the marriage -- little media attention is given to the agony of the father who is often helpless when his kids are with another man.
"We see this all the time where the ex-wife lives with a crazy harmful boyfriend who can't see his own kids because the court has prohibited him because he may have been convicted of drugs or abuse and yet he can live with another father's kid," says Glenn Sacks, the executive director of "Fathers & Families." "I've seen many fathers try to bring this to the courts' attention and the courts don't want to hear it."
Furthermore, Sacks reveals how many concerned stepmothers -- who love their stepchildren -- also call the organization inquiring about their rights to be more involved with their stepchildren. "Some stepmothers," he says, "have been more of a mother than the biological mother but have no standing legally in the system."
As a stepmother and a mother, as well as a divorce coach, this is murky territory that must be navigated with delicacy. Again, the litmus test must be the best interests of the child. This is not an issue of who has more money or status. It is an issue of safety. Judges, lawyers, psychiatrists and the public realize the benefits of both parents in a child's life. But when the issue is safety and a child's welfare, sometimes parents have no choice but to go to the courts as hard of a choice and road that may be.
Sunny will always love her biological mother. That is a primal impulse. Stepmothers have to earn love. And the heart is elastic enough for children to love many people in different ways.
Are there some stepmothers who are callous and disinterested? You bet. But many aren't. Especially the ones who don't have children of their own and who pour so much of their love into these relationships -- and don't often get rewarded.
Sandra Bullock also diffused Lindemulder's emotional bomb that she tried to detonate in a letter to the custody judge.
"I am aware that Janine has claimed many times that my desire to have Sunny was because I could not have children of my own," Bullock writes in a letter obtained by ABC News. "As difficult as that is for me to hear, and write, it couldn't be farther from the truth."
Instead, she claims it was Lindemulder's life choices that led to the decision for her not to have kids of her own. According to the E! report, she and James "realized that due to the instability in Sunny's life, bringing another child into the world at this time would not be in Sunny's best interest."
That shows devotion on Bullock's part -- but maybe not wisdom. Having your own child -- or adopting one -- gives you certain rights that you can't obtain as a stepmother.
I also know that many men in second marriages will get married and don't want any more kids, and that is a Faustian choice wives have to make. In fact, I wrote a piece called, "Honey, I'll Marry You But No Kids" for the New York Times on this subject years ago. It has only become more true as the years have passed.
Is the fact that Lindemulder is a porn star reason for a judge to not grant custody? "Being a porn star does not mean you lose your children," says famed divorce attorney Raoul Felder. "That is a very thin reed on which to hang a change of custody."
But courts will look at other lifestyle decisions that cumulatively paint a picture of family life for a child.
Adds Deborah Mecklinger, a lawyer and divorce coach, "If she was a porn star between the hours of 9-5, it wouldn't matter. On the other hand, there are other pieces here that impact stability, predictability and continuity of care." Let's see: felon husband, alleged drug use, porn star.
Don't you think that Sunny, as well as the other kids -- Chandler and Jesse Jr. -- benefit by being in Sandra Bullock and Jesse James' care?
"I know the term 'stepmother' carries many connotations, one of them being a 'glorified babysitter,'" Bullock wrote. " "My commitment and responsibility to Sunny, and Chandler and Jesse Jr., goes beyond that. We are FULLY prepared to accept the responsibility and make Sunny's transition as healthy as possible if full custody should be awarded to Jesse...We are here, and know we may have a tough road ahead of us but we have built a strong and stable foundation, which makes us ready for anything."
I think as a culture we're ready to acknowledge that many stepmothers are great mothers too -- as tough as that may be for some Moms to accept. And some Moms are no saints and the child may be better off with the father.
Follow Jill Brooke on Twitter: www.twitter.com/divorcemama
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Of course most have no idea how our refusal to prosecute false accusers really effects things. A false allegation destroys your life and you have no real recourse for it. Also as an example the EIGHT investigations done based on my ex-wife making false claims i molested our daughter that all came back as "unfounded" destroyed my daughter's word. When a allegation against the husband of my ex was made by our daughter toally independent of anyone and to a psychologist we couldn't do anything. The investigation found it as "indicated" but all the false claims they refused to prosecute means that he gets to walk after raping our daughter for almost two years.
I get to deal with the mental and emotional problems and the judges toss me in jail unless I force her to go around them.. It is destroying me and my family and our daughter has to send me to jail or be raped again.
Now the same judge who refused to enforce my rights to see the kids has thrown me in jail for them refusing to see her though they stated they were afraid of being abused by that pair! CPS is still a joke investigating me if they get a scratch playing with the family dog and ignoring my complaints about suspicious bruises and marks so if a mother loses custody it is USUALLY for a very good reason. Not always and some women get the reverse of what men usually get and some give up custody ofr other reasons but that is usually why.
And yes I have court documents showing everything I just stated for those supporting the mother and thinking no CPS reports or etc mean anything or that in custody you are innocent until proven guilty.
www.HurleyMustGo.com has them if you doubt me!
What's being a porn star got to do with a person being or not being a good parent? Some of these church moms are the world's WORST parents. We need to try to learn not to generalize so much in our lives.
There are many ways to keep the child either with the mother, or in contact with the mother in a safe and nurturing way without taking the mother's rights away. After all, the father has a history of marrying and divorcing women. Who will be this child's next step-mother? Can you guarantee this won't happen?
Other than Ms. Lindemulder’s history (10 years ago she was on drugs), yet her child is five years old so she was off drugs for 5 years before her child was even born, can the father say the same?
The proof that Ms. Lindemulder is a good mother is that she has raised a beautiful and well adjusted child. Ms. Lindemulder has not mistreated her child, but Bullock and her husband are attempting to make a case for what "could" happen. Bullock's house could burn down (God forbid) with all of them in it, should they never be allowed to visit with the child?
Jill Brooks article appears to be about solidarity for stepmothers; that attitude is crazy because it’s not about their maternal instincts for someone else’s child. People are so selfish today, no one is perfect. I hope the child is returned to her mother.
Why should Ms. Lindermulder give up her child to someone who "thinks" they can do better? Porn star or not Ms. Lindermulder has done just fine and evidently raised a beautiful and healthy child with little help from Bullock and her husband before she went to jail. Now they are being opportunistic and throwing Bullock’s money around and even Ms. McLeod (a woman who went to high school with Bullock and apparently is a blogger here) has responded in this very blog in Bullock’s favor; yet Ms. McLeod doesn’t know Ms. Lindermulder or her child and that’s sick.
Who are these people who think its o.k. to trade other people’s children because they have more material wealth and influence? Be sure that money and influence is driving this.
Otherwise you're just arguing that moms automatically should get preferential treatment.
I've been retired since 1987. I'm comfortable. My ex found that she could still work at her profession. Our kids survived having a working mother. Courts don't always ignore father's rights. A father has responsibilities in addition to rights. Both parents must 1st meet their responsibllites to their kids. The kids always come 1st. The courts give & enforce father's rights but a father must always meet his responsibilities to his kids.
I feel for the natural mother, but get a grip, when you become a porn star and you're married to a convicted felon, it's kind of hard for people to imagine you making good choices for your child, when you haven't been able to make them for yourself.
Look at the lives of the two women, Who has a long history of doing the right thing, and being responsible and kind (even before she a huge movie star)?
And who has allowed her own problems to keep her from being the kind of mother her child - and every child- deserves?
It's not about who's a porn star and who's America's sweetheart, it's about who's mature enough to put the needs of the child first.
The ties of birth are strong, but giving birth doesn't mean that you know how to mother.
Good luck Sandy.
Until proven otherwise, this woman's capacity as a mother should not be judged because we don't like what she does for a living. I don't like it either, but it's her life, not ours...and her child.
1) If the mom is clean and no longer using, that's great. But it is so easy to slip back into that lifestyle, if you are around drugs and have the opportunity. Being married to an ex-felon is not the best way to make a lifestyle change.
2)I don't care if she was a porn star before- but how is she supporting herself now? Can she support herself without child support or is she trying to get a hefty child support settlement from her ex and his wealthy stepwife? Such things do happen all the time.
3)The fact that NONE of this was in the news before, says that while the birth mom was in jail, the father and Bullock went out of their way not to publicize it and keep things private- always best for the child, no matter what. But as soon as the birth mom got out of jail, she goes onto Good Morning America??? Sorry, but if you have the child's best interests at heart, you would NOT go onto a national tv show and start spouting off about it.
The birth mom didn't pay her taxes, and she used to use drugs. SHE needs to prove to the judge that she can and will be the best full time caretaker for her daughter.