Control Freaks Like Madonna Have Hard Time Sharing Custody After Divorce
Although she's now divorced, Madonna is about to find out that she can't flex her muscles when it comes to her soon-to-be ex-husband's parenting style. As part of the agreement, she can still be a material girl and keep her fortune. However, while Lourdes stays in New York with her mom, Guy Ritchie's sons Rocco 8, and David 3, will fly to England as part of scheduled visitation to see their Dad.
Just recently, the self-described control freak reportedly gave a list of rigid rules documenting what Ritchie could and couldn't do when he had his sons.
The list reportedly included a ban on TV, no Miley Cyrus for these boys, no non-organic food such as micro-waved pizza and soda, nor any clothes that were not 100 percent cotton and sent by her. She even wanted her total blessings on what water they drank -- Kaballah preferred -- and no toys that are "spiritually or ethically unsound."
What this sounds like is a recipe for disaster.
Divorced women tell me all the time that the hardest part of divorce is not leaving the husband but leaving the kids with him. And if you, like Madonna, are used to control, it becomes agony to realize the limited power you now have over your ex-spouse's parenting style. It's as though handcuffs have been put on you just when you thought you were finally liberated.
"Moms go nuts about this but all they can do is write to Dear Abby or Firstwivesworld.com," says noted divorce lawyer Raoul Felder. "The courts will not mini-manage or arbitrate parenting styles unless it involves safety or basic acceptable serious judgment issues."
Such as?
"Other than allergies like peanuts, religion and sky diving, the hand of the parent who turned the kids over for their weekend with Pop has about as much to say in what the kids do there as Bush does in the choice of the next Secretary of State," Felder says. "But isn't that what week-end Dads are all about? Lot's of hot dogs, chocolate and crummy blood and gory movies."
This is exactly what makes many mothers' blood boil. It undermines the discipline they have tried to instill all week.
Take, for example, Debbie who sends off her children Keith and Olivia with a sleepover bag. When they return all rumpled, she discovers that hardly any of the clothes have been used nor have the children showered or done their homework.
"I spend all Sunday night and the following day trying to get them back on their routine," she laments.
Another example is Kathleen, whose son Jake was punished before his weekend with Dad for hitting his brother, Luke.
"I explained to my ex that Jake couldn't go to a party this weekend in the neighborhood," she said. "But then my girlfriend called me up and told me that Brian had dropped off Jake at the party anyway. When I confronted him, this jerk just yelled at me and said he could do whatever he wants with Jake."
As Jeanette Lofas, president of the New York based Stepfamily Foundation frankly says, "Fathers often spoil their children and divorced mothers have to get used to it."
Ouch. That hurts but is often the truth.
"Mothers can't reach into the other house and make rules, but the other part of that is, nor can your ex-husband enforce rules in your house," she says.
But that doesn't mean moms can't devise strategies to deal with the parenting reality of divorce.
Lofas suggests that Kathleen and Debbie say the following to their children:
"You're lucky that Dad is so easy with you. We have different rules in this house. Here we have consequences for actions and I'm trying to teach you these life lessons. There is a difference between going through a red light or a green light. If you go through a red light, you get a ticket. Rules have to be followed."
And as a stepfamily coach, I would add this, "When you get a green light, we can have lots of fun. But we have to do the necessary work first."
Aside from lingering resentments caused by the divorce, parents may have guilt for breaking up the family, and fear that the child will be damaged by inconsistent parenting styles. When they complain, it can be because they are seriously worried about the children.
However, parents have to have faith that their love and style will influence the children positively. As they get older, the kids choose what they like and didn't like about each parent's approach.
We have a generation of case studies to support this wisdom.
"Parents are entitled to a wide choice of parenting styles in a country as open as the United States," says Dr. Mark Banschick, who runs the Intelligent Divorce program in Katonah, New York and is also a contributor to firstwivesworld.com. "They then have a choice: they can cooperate or confront."
"Parents who choose confrontation lose the forest (a healthy post-divorce family) through the trees (winning one battle -- in this case with organic food -- while losing the war).The first leads to a better family dynamic, while the second ends up in endless court battles and struggle. My vote is that parents can teach children that they disagree but respect each other. And parents should opt, as much as possible, for compromise and consistency."
Another solution: some parents are having periodic meetings post-divorce with a mediator over parenting issues that are written into the divorce agreement.
"People can never fully understand the issues that come up until you live through them," says Dr. Jonah Schrag, a mediator in Goldens Bridge, New York. "When you sit down with someone in a meeting verses communicating through email, phone or a doorway, it can build a better understanding of viewpoints."
And another viewpoint would be having Lourdes also part of the agreement to see her stepfather -- not just the boys. She spent eight years with Guy Ritchie. Stepfathers and stepmothers spend years loving the child, tucking them in at night, taking them for supper, sharing baseball games or ballet classes and then poof, parents get divorced and it's over? Although children may feel they have to side with their biological parent, that parent should try to create continuity. Otherwise, how is a child going to trust in love.
Surrendering your ego for the greater good is never easy. But is usually worth the effort. As for Madonna, she may want to sing "Papa Don't Preach," but will have to accept that one can "Express Yourself," especially when it comes to parenting, in many different ways.
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The ink is hardly dry on the divorce agreement and already madonna is laying the groundwork for parental alienation syndrome.
This is what divorced mothers do. The instill in their children the belief that their father is somehow inferior. Eventually the sons will no longer visit.
I like Madonna.
I'm can't vouch for why the Riches divorce but not getting her way would be my guess. Guy stop tolerating her princess ways and she got fed up. Life in marriage is not like life in Hollywood, no one will bend over backwards to meet the most petty desires.
I feel sorry for Madonna's kids, I think they will all be better off with guy and Madonna gets visitation. Guy will not be touring and writing books all the time and will have more time for this kids. In addition Hollywood is producing kids like Paris Hilton, Linsay Lohan and Nicole Richie. Its better off the kids are raised in London.
"control freak"? The epithet is one word too many - nix the adjective on the left.
I read the piece and I let off a sigh of sadness of children of divorced parents.
I very blessed indeed, with 2 pairs of grandparents from both sides married to each other for 53 and 55 years, while my mom and dad married for 32 years, with my 5 brothers and me.
I never like Madonna and her lifestyle including her metamorphosis to a man-like, but she does have a place in the American Music Industry, but as a mother, I do believe she is a good Mom, just with strict preferences. And for Ritchie, spending 8 years with Lourdes, and Rocco his own flesh and blood, and David, the adopted son must be heartbreaking. They can't seem to agree on how best to raise their children.
I can't imagine how difficult it is for both Ritchie and Madonna.
Sounds great my dear. Wish I had the same set up.
Madonna robbed Ritchie of his career, so it seems fair that he can rob her of the boys on the weekends.
It never ceases to amaze me how much venom is spewed when the name, Madonna, is mentioned.
Too bad the rest of the world didn't institute a ban on crappy music for their kids. First on the list would be Madonna CD's. (My family has taste...I don't have to institute a ban on Madonna music...it has never seen the light of day here because we're all reasonable people who enjoy intelligent music).
I know a woman who raises her little boys with an iron fist like her...cont
Madonna is such a prat.
And if there are any Madonna freaks out there who want to flame my post, go ahead...bu
Divorce is really something everyone goes into blindly. Two things usually happen either you don't want to let go of the other person. Or you hate each other terribly and do things just to get back at each other. Maybe the question should be looked at as why the fathers tend to give the children what they want.
It might be that the fathers feel anxiety and doesn't know how to deal with it. Visting schedules are more stress dropped on dad who didn't even realize the children factored into leaving mom. For men it's short and simple, for woman it's more complex we see the ripples in the water before the first thought of divorce is out of our heads.
If Madonna is being so demanding maybe she is the one who didn't see the ripples in this situation. It's a matter of what she is feeling and how she is reacting to it. Someone has to make the choice. Usually one parent gives up totally and lives in a state of doing what they want, when they want and the other tries to fix it. When they reach the breaking point of realizing it just can't be fixed. They make the final decision it's over. Now the fact might be the other gives up willing but they 're usually pissed you're still not try. Which is funny when they stopped trying so long ago. I hope for the children sake they can reach an understanding.
I find it interesting that we have no problem critiquing the parenting skills of people we do not know although we would never tolerate such comments in our own lives. Yes, they're celebrities and yes we have free reign to make fun of their clothes and bad career choices. It comes with the job. But pretending to know what actually happens when the cameras aren't around in sensitive, private family situations is just wrong and uninformed.
I'll wait until Lourdes publishes her memoir to hear her side of the story. Until then, I won't be giving parenting advice to Madonna or Britney or anyone else.
The saddest part is that all the kids mentioned here will probably write memoirs that sound disturbingly like "Mommy Dearest".
Best thing the courts could do, is take all three kids from her and have her spaded...n
Sometimes I wish that I could be stranded on an uncharted island like on "Gilligan's Island" and not have to hear about celebrity scandals.
While I can agree with most of your blog. You must include certain Moms in this. I've seen some skanky and ignorant mothers that use their children to get back at the fathers for not doing what they want. It can go either way. It just so happens that most of these incidents occur with weekend dads. I say just be happy that the dads still want to participate. You have some dads that just don't deal after a split. A lot of women deal with this. The only time there should be a problem is if the kids are being harmed physically or mentally. You have a whole 5 days for your schedule. Compare that to 2 or 3 of the kids being relaxed. Let's be realistic and get over yourself.
And I needed to add sadly as it is K-Fed has the same problem when the kids go to Britney's
Jill great post but its 100% sexist and assumes its always the father who lets the kids run wild. Its a FACT that normally one parent gives more structure than the other. And its a FACT that its not always the mother. I have very close friends who during the week have Perry's son and try to instill all the things you wrote about that are good. And when Perry's son goes to his moms for the weekend she gives no structure or discipline and lets him be a slob. So great message but arrogant sexist slant.
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