Control Freaks Like Madonna Have Hard Time Sharing Custody After Divorce

Although she's now divorced, Madonna is about to find out that she can't flex her muscles when it comes to her soon-to-be ex-husband's parenting style. As part of the agreement, she can still be a material girl and keep her fortune. However, while Lourdes stays in New York with her mom, Guy Ritchie's sons Rocco 8, and David 3, will fly to England as part of scheduled visitation to see their Dad.

Just recently, the self-described control freak reportedly gave a list of rigid rules documenting what Ritchie could and couldn't do when he had his sons.

The list reportedly included a ban on TV, no Miley Cyrus for these boys, no non-organic food such as micro-waved pizza and soda, nor any clothes that were not 100 percent cotton and sent by her. She even wanted her total blessings on what water they drank -- Kaballah preferred -- and no toys that are "spiritually or ethically unsound."

What this sounds like is a recipe for disaster.

Divorced women tell me all the time that the hardest part of divorce is not leaving the husband but leaving the kids with him. And if you, like Madonna, are used to control, it becomes agony to realize the limited power you now have over your ex-spouse's parenting style. It's as though handcuffs have been put on you just when you thought you were finally liberated.

"Moms go nuts about this but all they can do is write to Dear Abby or Firstwivesworld.com," says noted divorce lawyer Raoul Felder. "The courts will not mini-manage or arbitrate parenting styles unless it involves safety or basic acceptable serious judgment issues."

Such as?

"Other than allergies like peanuts, religion and sky diving, the hand of the parent who turned the kids over for their weekend with Pop has about as much to say in what the kids do there as Bush does in the choice of the next Secretary of State," Felder says. "But isn't that what week-end Dads are all about? Lot's of hot dogs, chocolate and crummy blood and gory movies."

This is exactly what makes many mothers' blood boil. It undermines the discipline they have tried to instill all week.

Take, for example, Debbie who sends off her children Keith and Olivia with a sleepover bag. When they return all rumpled, she discovers that hardly any of the clothes have been used nor have the children showered or done their homework.

"I spend all Sunday night and the following day trying to get them back on their routine," she laments.

Another example is Kathleen, whose son Jake was punished before his weekend with Dad for hitting his brother, Luke.

"I explained to my ex that Jake couldn't go to a party this weekend in the neighborhood," she said. "But then my girlfriend called me up and told me that Brian had dropped off Jake at the party anyway. When I confronted him, this jerk just yelled at me and said he could do whatever he wants with Jake."

As Jeanette Lofas, president of the New York based Stepfamily Foundation frankly says, "Fathers often spoil their children and divorced mothers have to get used to it."

Ouch. That hurts but is often the truth.

"Mothers can't reach into the other house and make rules, but the other part of that is, nor can your ex-husband enforce rules in your house," she says.

But that doesn't mean moms can't devise strategies to deal with the parenting reality of divorce.

Lofas suggests that Kathleen and Debbie say the following to their children:

"You're lucky that Dad is so easy with you. We have different rules in this house. Here we have consequences for actions and I'm trying to teach you these life lessons. There is a difference between going through a red light or a green light. If you go through a red light, you get a ticket. Rules have to be followed."

And as a stepfamily coach, I would add this, "When you get a green light, we can have lots of fun. But we have to do the necessary work first."

Aside from lingering resentments caused by the divorce, parents may have guilt for breaking up the family, and fear that the child will be damaged by inconsistent parenting styles. When they complain, it can be because they are seriously worried about the children.

However, parents have to have faith that their love and style will influence the children positively. As they get older, the kids choose what they like and didn't like about each parent's approach.

We have a generation of case studies to support this wisdom.

"Parents are entitled to a wide choice of parenting styles in a country as open as the United States," says Dr. Mark Banschick, who runs the Intelligent Divorce program in Katonah, New York and is also a contributor to firstwivesworld.com. "They then have a choice: they can cooperate or confront."

"Parents who choose confrontation lose the forest (a healthy post-divorce family) through the trees (winning one battle -- in this case with organic food -- while losing the war).The first leads to a better family dynamic, while the second ends up in endless court battles and struggle. My vote is that parents can teach children that they disagree but respect each other. And parents should opt, as much as possible, for compromise and consistency."

Another solution: some parents are having periodic meetings post-divorce with a mediator over parenting issues that are written into the divorce agreement.

"People can never fully understand the issues that come up until you live through them," says Dr. Jonah Schrag, a mediator in Goldens Bridge, New York. "When you sit down with someone in a meeting verses communicating through email, phone or a doorway, it can build a better understanding of viewpoints."

And another viewpoint would be having Lourdes also part of the agreement to see her stepfather -- not just the boys. She spent eight years with Guy Ritchie. Stepfathers and stepmothers spend years loving the child, tucking them in at night, taking them for supper, sharing baseball games or ballet classes and then poof, parents get divorced and it's over? Although children may feel they have to side with their biological parent, that parent should try to create continuity. Otherwise, how is a child going to trust in love.

Surrendering your ego for the greater good is never easy. But is usually worth the effort. As for Madonna, she may want to sing "Papa Don't Preach," but will have to accept that one can "Express Yourself," especially when it comes to parenting, in many different ways.

Comments

[moflard]

And what about Lourdes? The girl isn't even mentioned - yes she isn't the ex's offspring, but over 8 years doesn't she want some contact with her ex-stepfather? Isn't she going to feel a bit left out when her brothers go off to see dad and she has to stay home with mom?

Just wondering.

[bub26]

"The list reportedly included a ban on TV, no Miley Cyrus for these boys, no non-organic food such as micro-waved pizza and soda, nor any clothes that were not 100 percent cotton and sent by her. She even wanted her total blessings on what water they drank -- Kaballah preferred -- and no toys that are "spiritually or ethically unsound.""

Madonna never had a problem dishing out spiritually & ethically unsound garbage to the children of others as long as she personally profited. Seems she's a bit of a hypocrite.

I wonder if the self absorbed one, now that she's divorced, will see it fit to return that kid she bought in Africa back to his real father and extended family?

[relevancematters]

"Madonna never had a problem dishing out spiritually & ethically unsound garbage to the children of others as long as she personally profited. Seems she's a bit of a hypocrite. "

Boy, isn't that the truth? She was a real pain in the ass when I was raising my girls in the 80s. Sent them to Catholic school, and there were all these little 7 and 8 year-old second grade girls, wearing their rosaries around their necks and singing Papa Don't Preach and Like A Virgin because it was SO COOL! And then when they got to high school, there she was with her Sex book.

If she hadn't been such a cultural millstone for so long, I might have laughed when she sent Lourdes to convent school and tried to reclaim some sort of maternal decency by writing The English Roses. Personally, I hope Guy lets the boys watch all kinds of tv, and takes them to monster truck rallies, and when they get bigger, I hope he takes them pub-crawling, where they can see pictures of Mom in all her chaste and spiritually uplifting glory through the years.

I've waited a long time for closure on this one.

[problemchild]

Yes, another instance of women trashing women maybe, calling out that Madonna is a control freak. That's the message I got.

My husband was a control freak, so much so that he lied about school registrations and one day before school stared, he calls to cancel one and put my son in another of his choice. Then next year did the same, after 2 days in the school I chose and he agreed to in writing (after an incident of violence in the old), turns out he had secretly signed up the kid behind my back and thus had the right to move my son. I went to social workers, doctors, and a lawyer. There was nothing I could do.
Eventually, fighting for my own rights to protect the son, I got accused of being the problem. And quite effectively. I'm supposed to have joint custody and haven't seen my son in 4 years and even police didn't know what to do with my complaint.

(In this case, control freak was narcissistic psychopath, but no one seemed capable of diagnosing it or putting an end to the situation. I had to contact children's services to make sure the child's rights were protected, while protecting myself against retribution.) No one cared that any of my rights were violated. I had none. I know many men have been in this situation before, so I got the most advice from a men's rights organisation. Glad to read there's a women's group though

[Digeeedad]

Hey Jill.... a "little" biased towards your own gender perhaps? You couldn't manage to include even one "horror story" that men endure? This is not a fairy tale game, and many many men have had to deal with nonsense and yes "horror stories" when THEIR children are at Mom's house. We had 50/50 custody. I did almost ALL of the child "rearing" prior to our divorce. Here's just a few of my own:

Filthy house, cat poop everywhere.
Children habitually late for school. No lunch money or sack lunches
Mom out till 11 or 12 EVERY night.
Waiting at Little League and soccer games for my kids when Mom had them and time and time again have them dropped off in the middle of the game.
Dropped off to play baseball/basketball/soccer wearing WET uniforms.
Mom refusing to let son go to sporting events with Dad and son's friends, because it was HER night... even though she had NOTHING planned and stayed out till 12am.
Mom constantly asking for children to spend an extra night or weekend as, "something's come up".
Mom constantly delinquent on her 1/2 of children's after school program payments.
Children calling me when at Mom's that they want to go to sleep (school night) and are afraid to do so, because Mom isn't home yet.

Definitely the WORST 8-10 years of my and my children's lives!

There's dedicated and irresponsible parents of BOTH genders!

[AceWild]

Thank you, Digeeedad.

But for Jill Brooke and all other gender bias feminist -- "women can do no wrong". In their world your responsible for everything that's wrong b/c you happen to belong to the male gender.

[rafael44]

Completelly agree and thi sone I am tired of women victim syndrome My Grandmother mother and aunts , an older generation granted, put up with so much stuff they should have to put with but they did what they had to no without complaining but never considered themselves victims or complained so much about right and hard work
well parenting is hard work and involves sacrifices deal with it with dignity and accept that there are things you can improve both as a person and as a parent like my grandmother used to say there are good mothers and good father as well a fair amount of unfit parents that do n ot deserve to be called such.

[TCJakobsen]

I also noticed the gender-bias. Tried to read the post being gender-blind and then got annoyed that all the examples talked about the everyday-routine-parent versus the weekend-parent without acknowledging the very different situation of the two.

Like Digeedad I was the primary parent the first seven years of my kids life. After the divorce we shared the kids equally and things were OK. Then my ex moved away from the city and to the countryside so it became a problem to maintain that arrangement. I ended up being the weekend-dad - and I hated it. Much preferred the everyday-routine. When you have them weekends it's not a real life somehow. You feel like you have to make up, condense, get in touch super-quick - something like that - and you quickly end up with the 'events' - going to the cinema, the theme park, the whatever. I just hated it. I ended up doing the opposite - trying to make everything as everyday as possible - cooking, shopping, taking a walk, washing, doing all this stuff with the kids.

I can only imagine how it is for fathers who have never been the primary parent or something similar. They must have a tough time connecting, creating a life with the kids, when they don't have the extensive experience of everyday life with the kids and now just have the weekend.