Do Men Become Better or Worse Fathers After Divorce?
If divorce is in the future of duplicitous two-timers Gov. Mark Sanford to reality TV's Jon Gosselin, these men will have to navigate co-parenting. However, a growing trend shows that many men become better parents post-divorce, to the surprise of ex-wives who find it difficult to grasp that a man who wasn't a good husband can indeed be a good father.
Take the example of Peter Giles.
When Peter Giles' three daughters were toddlers, work consumed him at the expense of family life. The New York businessman would justify the absences as doing the right thing for his family since he was providing the financial womb while his wife was taking care of their other needs.
What finally made him a better father? Getting a divorce.
"The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take stock of who I was and what success should look like," said Giles, whose ex-wife Nancy Claus sought a divorce in 2001. "I came to realize that I had been providing for my children but needed to be more to them. "
Like the majority of divorcing men today, Giles sought joint legal custody, which courts are more willing to grant since a federal study shows that men paid child support 90 percent of the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when the mother had sole custody.
When his daughters visited, Giles morphed into a multi-tasker taking on chores previously done by his wife including cooking, buying cosmetics and remembering to buy eggs and bacon at the market.
"I wish he would have been as involved and helpful when we were married," said Claus. "But he has definitely become a much better Dad after our divorce."
He is not alone.
"When a father is away from the stress of a failed marriage, he can be more relaxed and more reflective and as a result enjoy being more fully involved with his children," said Don Gordon, professor emeritus of psychology at Ohio University and the director of the Center for Divorce Education.
David Gestl, the divorced father of four in Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, agrees, adding how it's a relief not to argue about parenting styles which allows the father to develop his own.
"In my marriage, I was always walking on eggshells and getting criticized," he said. "Recently after I made dinner, my son shook his chocolate milk and it went flying everywhere. I could say, just relax it's nothing a paper towel won't pick up. It's okay to make a mistake and fix it. "
One benefit to divorce is that with scheduled rationed time, each parent doesn't take it for granted and can have more single minded focus with their kids.
CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter Jing-Jing. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player," he observed. "But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."
In a study on non-residential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of non-residential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970's to 26 percent in 2000's.
A recent study by Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and author of " The Unfinished Revolution:How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work,
and Gender in America" found the number to be 27 percent.
"Large numbers of contemporary fathers are doing their best to fulfill their responsibilities as parents despite the limitations of not residing with their children," said Amato. "It's time to recognize, value and support the commitment of these men to their children."
Experts say that the rise of more involved fathers post-divorce is based on several factors that collectively aligned like shooting stars and is preventing what one organization calls, "a parentdectomy."
A kid-focus culture for starters has helped cement ties.
Dr. Warren Farrell points out that pop culture's parenting focus expanded the definition of a man's identity. In one study tracking data from 1965-1998, married men had doubled their direct child care involvement. "More men put in the effort early which created deeper attachments that fathers didn't want to lose," said Farrell, who is also the author of "Father and Child Reunion." Hence, more requests for joint custody.
Technology has also helped prevent or reduce what is called parental alienation where in the past the residential parent may - consciously or unconsciously - block contact either out of her resentment towards the father or because she has remarried and is protecting the stepfather relationship. A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77 percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of visitation interference.
But now fathers can give their kids pre-paid cell phones to insure contact. Divorce contracts are also often written to permit contact through email accounts.
Ted Rubin, a Huntington Long Island divorced dad to two girls, admits to using Facebook to keep in contact with his kids. "Sometimes when we speak on the phone I can tell if Mom is standing there and then later my daughter will contact me on Facebook," he said. "A lot of Dads complain that moms could stand in the way of communication but now it's almost impossible because kids are so tech savvy."
In fact, Rubin, who has a contentious divorce with his ex-wife, says that email helps divorced parents diminish "the nastiness is our dialogues" which the kids would overhear on the phone. Now he can email what time he's picking up the kids and delivering them without any verbal warfare.
Another big boost for continued contact has been videoconferencing. In 2002, Utah resident Michael Gough worried that his ex-wife's relocation to Wisconsin would wipe out his parental involvement. Considering that less than 10 percent of divorces go to trial, he fought to have the right to videoconference with his daughter. Utah was the first state to pass legislation for virtual visitation in 2004.
"It costs me thousands of extra dollars to go to court but as a result there is now a statute for videoconferencing that other judges and attorneys can refer to and follow," said Gough, who now runs a website called internetvisitation.org. Because of his efforts, Wisconsin, Florida and Texas all passed similar legislation and North Carolina did this month.
"With videoconferencing, I was able to read bedtime stories, help her with her homework and even watch her open up a present," said Gough, with genuine sentimentality.
Schools are also helping divorced parents co-parent on neutral ground. While some wives would raise their eyebrows like thunderbolts when an ex-husband would arrive at the sports field, schools are not playing favorites.
"My ex-wife interpreted the divorce agreement that if I arrived at my son's soccer game that it should only be when I had him for an overnight," said Eric Ryerson, a nurse in Eugene, Oregon and father to an 11-year-old son. "But I want to see him more than my custody arrangement and by coming to sports events and volunteering at school, I can see him more."
Ryerson went to the school and volunteered to be a chaperone for class trips, signed his name to contact forms and also spoke to coaches to provide information on his son's soccer and baseball games.
"I asserted myself to be present and got rewarded for it," said Ryerson. "I also got to meet his classmates and interacted with them." Ryerson recalls fondly how in second grade he was nicknamed Mr. Pushy because he eagerly pushed his son's friends on the swings. "My son told me he liked it when I came to school."
In fact, research shows that the kids do like it when both parents are present.
"They have fewer behavior and emotional problems, higher self-esteem and better school performance than children in sole custody arrangements," said Glenn Sacks, the National Executive Director of Fathers & Families. "When researchers have examined children of divorce, and studied and queried adult children of divorce, they've found that most prefer joint custody and shared parenting."
For example, in one Arizona State University study of college students who experienced their parents' divorces while they were children, over two-thirds believe that living equal times with each parent is the best arrangement. A Harvard University study also confirmed that children in joint custody settings fared much better than kids living in sole custody households.
While many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking for more time with their children.
As Gary Nicholson, the president of the American Association of Marital Attorneys, explains, part of the problem is that various state laws tie child support payments to the amount of time a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so many mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered by the request.
Said Nicholson, "Are there folks who look at this economically and think if I have equal time I won't have to pay as much child support? Yes. But the majority of dads want to be involved in their kid's lives. They feel they should be equal partners."
As the nation sees more divorced families, more parents have learned that even though the marriage is over, they are forever linked as co-parents. Cultural cues also encourage that they should love their children more than they hate their spouse. Over time, many hard feelings thaw and enhanced appreciation can ensue.
Deb Rabino, a New York based make-up artist, learned to admire her ex-husband's parenting of their two sons so much that when he lost his job in the financial industry, she voluntarily reduced his alimony and child support payments.
"He definitely became a better father after our divorce," she said. "He honored his support of us and now it was our turn to help him out."
The increased connection between children and fathers also results in other sacrifices as well. Michael Gough says videoconferencing helped get him more involved with his daughter. "My participation reminded me I have a daughter who needed me otherwise it could have been out of sight, out of mind." Because his wife later relocated to Austin, Texas, Gough now found a new job to be near his daughter.
"Videoconferencing really helped us stay closer," said Gough. "But it still can't replace seeing my daughter and getting a hug."
Like many men, he is getting remarried and may start a new family.
As Stephanie Coontz, the Director of Research and Public Education at the Council on Contemporary Families, observes, men have for more than 150 years tended to think of the responsibility of kids as a package deal. When the relationship split up, they'd walk away and start new families. "But we're seeing a growing number of men separting from their wives but not their children," she said.
Do you have any doubt that recent divorced dads including Dylan McDermott, Robin Williams, Russell Simmons or Guy Ritchie won't enjoy time with their kids? All have said how much it means to them.
Still, it can be very painful for ex-wives to see that their families are living lives without them - especially when spouses repartner. However, in time, this divorce therapist has seen many women realize that a break from 24/7 parenting can benefit everyone. And love is far more elastic and flexible than we think.
(This story will also be discussed on CBS' "Early Show")
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Is this a trick question or a joke?
A man cannot become a "better parent" if he is too busy tripping the light fantastic with his new just barely legal age girlfriend.
On the other hand there are a whole lot of really good men out there and my hat's off to them who try really hard to stay in their kid's lives even if the marriage has gone sour. Bless them and we have to support men who WANT to stay in their kid's lives.
I hope this is truly the case. I am separated and my daughter's father lives in Florida. He's ill and doesn't talk to us much (has been the case throughout most of our marriage and my daughter's life), but I try my damnedest to remain friendly with him. I felt guilty for many years for wanting more than he could give me because of his illness and battling his many addictions until I realized recently that we are better off separated. Whenever he was with us he would pick up his habits.
This morning while at the store I saw the latest issue of People (or In Touch) featured a cover story of Jon Gosselin on vacation with his girlfriend (he's quoted as saying "We're enjoying each other") while Kate stayed with the children. While I hope for the kids' sakes that the story isn't true, based on his statements on the show, he seems more self-centered and less concerned with how the kids are adjusting. It's going to take a judge to rein him in.
Domestic Violence is a factor in 62% of divorces, yet this author not only does not discuss safeguards when domestic violence is present... she does not even mention it! Bunk.
There is no way your statistic is even close to true? Source?
That would mean that more than half of all divorces involve domestic violence....
DV doesn't enter the picture in most divorces. In Canada about 8% of women and 7% of men are affected by it. Almost equal numbers. The 62% is fiction. 66% of divorces in the USA and 75% in Canada are initiated by the wife. That is a telling statistic and DV is only evident in a small number of them. Are dads too busy bringing home the bacon and the mom is looking for greener pastures? Its worthy of some peer reviewed studies.
Bunk!? Insufferable twaddle that is spouted forth like this is bunk. The only rational place to start in any separation or divorce is from the perspective that joint custody and shared parenting is the expectation, only then will we truly be putting the children first.
If only we could get judges and law makers to see the common sense of equal shared parenting with co-residency. You know what - it would actually reduce divorce and be in the best interest of children.
Domestic Violence
1) When a man's physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence a female family member or friend; 2) Whatever the man does that the woman doesn't like; 3) a wife's false accusation before or during a divorce to obtain an Order of Protection that will legally separate the husband from his children, home, and personal possessions.
When a husband learns his wife is having an affair or spending too much money, then demands that she stop is seen as abuse, therefore, it is considered domestic violence.
See Joel Schwartzberg's Profile
Thanks, Jill. Your article matches my experiences well. When my ex and I got divorced in 2008, I felt suddenly feed of her expectations of my parenting style, of my own parents' expectations, even Dr. Phil's expectations. I found my true "inner dad", and now am a much more genuine father as a result.
Many divorced fathers feel as if they also divorced their kids, and distance themselves from the children as a result But I hope they'd see it as a golden opportunity to actually reconnect with their children and learn how to LIVE with them (not just entertain or babysit them) on their own terms.
I'm a writer and also HuffPo blogger, and wrote a recent book about my experiences. "The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad" is a first-of-its kind collection of stories (not just straight-out advice) of parenting from a divorced dad's perspective. I think it speaks to many of our shared experiences and I invite people to learn more about it and see strong reviews from top daddy bloggers at divorceddadbook-dot-com.
Thanks and best of luck to my fellow new-found fathers.
I think they are because they don't have to go by the rules when they aren't under the same roof of the wife but I don't believe in divorce especially when it comes to children in their teens because it is very difficult for women to be both mother and father at so many times.
The father brings the strength and the mother is the soft part of parenting and children need both at all times.
Another thing I don't like is the children are bounced around from mother to father and both have different fules they never have time to really connect to mother or father and without that connection it is really hard on children but it the parents are always fighting something has to give and that is a fact.
In my home when I was growing up I had a very ill father and my mother was mother and father but we had house rules that my dad put down before he became ill from a stroke and we all went by them even though he couldn't speak and that was hard on all of us I think I would have rather not to have to go through that hell most of my life but I had no choice.
I think that divorce is easier on children than having a very ill father because the constant teasing of other children was very hard.
There are plenty of happy families that are different from your example--kids don't need strength from a dad and softness from a mom at all times. Families comes in many shapes and sizes--I'm so glad the one I'm in is so much happier than the one I was born into.
OUR daughter (15) thinks we are SO WIERD because we had a no-fight marraige and divorce, speak to each other daily--typically about her--and have remained friendly, if not friends. The divorce was my wife's doing in our case, and I was pretty upset, but in my family once you had children, that was all that mattered, so that is how I behaved and continue to behave. Unlike some here, we live 11 miles from each other and when our daughter is home from school (she is in boarding school by her choice) we spend as much time together as possible. Does my ex still get on my nerves? Sure, as I do hers, but we don't do that when we are together. I NEVER talk ill of my ex to my daughter even though I could say plenty, but what's the point? I will tell you what I tell others in this situation: GROW UP! If you are a parent, you have a huge responsibility, especially these days with all the negative elements in our society. YOU had the child, take some responsibility and quit being a selfish jerk--and that goes for both sides.
Your advice re "Grow up!" is spot on! Adults find a way to deal with situations in divorces involving children of the marriage. They do not run away from their obligations and they realize that every divorce represents failure on BOTH sides, despite what many say to the contrary. Just as it takes two to make a marriage work, it takes two to make a marriage fail.
The courts have got to stop allowing children to be used as "wage earners" by the custodial parent. If they do this, more parents that are non-custodial would be willing to pay child support in line with the time spent with the child. I know a lot of dads AND moms that want relationships with their kids, but cannot have them because every time they try, they get taken to court for more money. It's ridiculous while mom doesn't have to work, or dad can lay about all day, the kids are the ones making the income, and the parent sits on welfare and whines about not getting enough. Also, start counting child support as income for welfare and you will start seeing a drop in these types of greed-based cases. I am tired of greedy exes that use their kids as weapons and wage earners but never get a job themselves. They only have their needs in mind, not their child's. It's time to stop treating the non-custodial parent like a wallet and start giving them more responsibility in the lives of their children and thusly removing the ability of the ex to manipulate the system that was supposed to protect everyone.
Especially to happyfeelin: Did you ever experience this as a child? Your father says to your mother (about you): I see M didn't dust under her bed today. Mother says: "that's right" and starts to nag you about that. Your dad has just deflected a tension or crabbiness that you noticed that was going on, and they laid it all on you.
You don't have to be 16 to see this marital tension between parents. You can be 9 and see the manipulation going on and how you are made the scapegoat. It is amazing to me that so many people grow up to be functioning adults considering the psychological games that parents play.
Why not work harder to become a better father AND husband so the family gets to stay together??
Men aren't the only ones who are guilty of shirking their parental responsibilities in marriage. It's funny how so many people and especially the courts, forget this fact.
I'd have loved to. But she was out of the marriage months before she bothered to inform me. Don't give me that "better husband" line.
See my comment above. 75% of the wives in Canada and 66% in the USA initiate divorce. It isn't the man walking away its the wife. Methinks there should be compulsory counseling before the lawyers get involved. it might help.
I wonder how many of these newly wonderful fathers could have saved their marriages if they'd assumed those same parenting responsibilities before the marriage disintegrated. I'll bet in many of the cases, the breakup of the marriage was abetted in no small part because the father was never there and the mom never got a break.
And maybe a lot of the breakups were abetted by the wife's assumption that her husband was simply another household appliance, useful when she needed "a break."
Men get shoved back into the "finances" category of parenting. Kids need their dads for more than a paycheck and when in a marriage especially the women need to stop acting like the men are the "breadwinners" and nothing more. I find it repulsive when women say to me "Oh, why isn't your husband working?" It's amazing what some men do for their families and then are called names and degraded by women that claim to have loved them at one time. ..how many military men lose contact with their kids because "mommy" is back home shacking up with the latest recruit? Or she runs off with someone non-military because she can't hack it? It makes me sick. Time to stop blaming the men all the time would be a good first step. Women can be as controlling and manipulative as men. Scientifically speaking I believe it is actually moreso for women. The fact is the court systems are set up to favor the non-wage earner. This has to change. If the one filing wants a divorce and custody they must prove they can raise the child independent of child support. If not, then a settlement (a timetable settlement) should be reached. Where the custodian has time to get employed. They have to or the non-custodial parent is not supporting the children but the ex-spouse and from what I understand alimony and child support are not the same thing.
I'm so sorry redhead, judges are people like the rest of us and they have their own stigmas. Some never send children to the father, in California there was a case of a judge granting custody of a child to a mother who was known to be currently abuing drugs and acting as a prostitute over a father with decent income and stability. Some judges like you said favor the parent with more money or the one that lives in a better nieghborhood. Divorce is handled by the justice system, and as we all know our justice system is broken.
Okay, so which universe is this true? This article is full of a bunch of urban myths and nonsense. Men are who they are regardless of marital status. An absent dad in marriage will be an absent dad in divorce, and vice versa.
A lot of mothers are guilty of this as well.
And you have studies to back this up. What about absent moms. Do they satisfy the same criteria? As you well know the vast majority of moms are working outside the home as well. Many dads are blocked in parenting by gatekeeping/critical moms. Lets look at this with some balance.
All of a sudden the divorced father is trying to make up for not being in the
home where he originally started when the children were small.
This way he gets to have it both ways....no commitment to a wife who knows
all his faults and freedom to do as he pleases while spending a few hours with
the kids who are glad to see him occasionally.
When you don't have the burden every day, it is easy to spend quality time with
the children...Unlike when they are married and come home in a crummy mood
a lot of the time.
I presume you are a female. Well, so am I and frankly, I'm finding that wives are using the old adage of nagging and complaining to not just cover up the support of the family but their own insecurities. Wives trying to compete against their girlfriends thus putting greater stresses on their husbands yet using the kids as tools of manipulation are typically the reasons that divorces fully occur. Every friend whose marriage was in trouble that I know told me this. Why women won't realize that it's tough equally on men than it is on them and then having a discussion and not a nag session probably would support the maintanance of the marriage as well as the growth and support of the children AND the family. That is why unfortunately more men are foregoing remarriage or opting for divorces so that they can have their children as they need them to be..in love and in support of EACH other...not some trophy to brag about on a bumper sticker, which is also typically female driven, and not necessarily for the support of the accomplishments of the child either.
Thank you.
Women will never acknowledge their role in keeping men away from their children out of their own insecurities.
Notice how much better a father these men become one the mother is no longer IN HIS WAY...
Agreed.
No matter if I am male or female....it takes two to tango and
there is usually a third person involved most of the time when a
marriage breaks down.
Many times this is what starts trouble in the marriage.
I am female, so I will go here. The divorced father is divorced because either he or his wife chose to end the marriage. The parent-child time comes because the court forces the custodial parent to give up some control (or at least that's how its supposed to work). You can say all you want about the commitment issues. The fact is the courts often allow the father to be a part of a child's life when in marriage the mother often takes the authority from the parent etc. (Or the father depending on who is at home most). My problem is that women say "commitment issues" and then they are the ones that file for divorce first.
You neglected to mention men who got SOLE custody of their children. There are women who take off and leave their children behind. I know, because it happened to me. It's very misleading to paint men as the only ones with the potential to be the bad guys in these cases.
Jon Gosselin's New Girl Has A Drug Past .
More information on US Official Tabloid Gossip blog
Cool--- enhances the sexual experience!!
And the gays are wanting this all so B-A-A-D-L-Y! ?!?!?
lol
It does boggle the mind doesn't it? I don't think they're after marriage specifically as much as equality generally, which means they need marriage rights. I doubt I will remarry. But if people told me "We don't approve of your lifestyle so you are forbidden to marry," I think I'd fight. Hard.
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